Weekend In Seattle

I spent this past weekend (Friday-Sunday) in Seattle with Jennifer, Nicole, and Benja. We left Vancouver late afternoon, around 6pm, and while the rest came back on Sunday afternoon, I came back early on Sunday by Greyhound, in order to be present at my dad's birthday celebration. It was a fun, though rushed, time in Seattle with friends. Highlights:
* underground tour of city
* Pike's Place
* coffee at Le Panier
* dinner at Kingfish

Here are some pictures of our time together.

A rainy saturday morning, just after the underground tour:

Lunch at Kells:














Pike's Place Market:










































































































Le Panier:














Kingfish:






























Pijamas!

A Bittersweet Celebration

Today was a special day, as we celebrated my dad's 70th birthday (and my parents' 48th wedding anniversary). Mom asked me to do a short reflection on this special occasion. She picked Psalm 71 as a foundational text on which to reflect, not only because it address the theme of aging well (not to mention that it almost coincides with my father's age), but also because it's the 71st day after Ralph's tragic accident. We are still saddened, even numbed, by that horrible event. Suffice it to say, it was a bittersweet celebration.

Here's the reflection on Psalm 71, followed by a few pictures:

It is a great privilege to be here today, and be part of this celebration - and I think it is important that we call it a celebration: we are celebrating my father Ernst’s 70th birthday, we are celebrating my parents (Ernst and Adina)’s 48th wedding anniversary, and finally, we are celebrating friendship with you, a friendship that has shown itself to be true in the days and weeks following our beloved Ralph’s car accident. So ultimately, we are here to celebrate God’s goodness and his faithfulness, because all of these - birthdays, marriage, and friendship - are expressions of God’s goodness towards us.

To put this celebration in its rightful place, in its rightful context, however, I would like to look to Scripture and share some thoughts from a text, and particularly, the text that I will draw from is Psalm 71. My aim is to take a few minutes and draw out some thoughts from this Psalm, in the hopes that some of these words will encourage us to further contemplate the goodness of God.

Psalm 71 does not address birthdays, anniversaries, or friendships directly, but indirectly, by instructing us and encouraging us towards a particular way of being. Psalm 71 is a Psalm of wisdom, you might say, in which the Psalmist - probably King David in his later years - points us towards a particular way of living, and he shows us this way of living by way of personal examples, from a young age (71:17) to his current old age (71:9, 18). Actually, he even refers back to a time before he was born: “Upon you [God] I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother’s womb” (71:6).

David lists some of the difficult times he went through during his life, and there are many trials and tribulations: dealing with enemies who criticize and mock him (71:10), some who accuse him falsely (71:13), and others who want to hurt him (71:4, 24). Along the way, David has encountered doubt and helplessness, pain and shame.

And yet, amidst these “troubles and calamities” (71:20), David keeps a single-minded perspective on the Lord, he stays focused on God, who in his righteousness has done “mighty deeds “71:16), who is the author of his salvation (71:15, 23). So we have good reason for looking towards this Psalm for wisdom: wisdom in times of joy and celebration, but also, wisdom in times of adversity and great sadness: wisdom in the bittersweet moments of our lives.

There are 3 attitudes of heart in particular that are very helpful for us, that I would like to draw out. And they are: 1- trust in the reliability of God (71:3), 2 - hope that God will make right the things that are wrong (71:14), and 3- praise: the Psalmist praises God for his goodness (71:6). These attitudes are gifts that God grants us, absolutely, but they are also personal disciplines: disciplines that King David cultivated throughout his life, from a young age on.

For example, he says, “Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man. For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth” (71:4-5). He actually insists on God’s reliability right from the get-go of the Psalm: “In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame!” . . . “Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come” (71:1, 3) The word continually here indicates repetition: again and again and again. It’s like he’s saying ‘Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may come again and again and again.’

God as our refuge is like a young boy hiding behind his mother when in danger; God as our rock is like a young daughter holding on to her father while crossing a river. I saw a tv clip earlier this week, which showed a woman in Japan holding on to a tree, while the tsunami waves came in. While everything around her was moving - bicycles, cars, even airplanes and houses - she was holding on to this tree for dear life. She survived the disaster, because the tree was firmly rooted and withstood the waves. In the waves of life, God is our rock and our refuge.

Moving on to hope, hope that God will bring light despite of darkness all around, health and safety amidst great danger, and redemption in circumstances where all seems lost, the Psalmist is convinced he has good reason to hope that God will not leave him alone in trouble: “...I will hope continually...” (71:14). I will hope [in you] again and again and again...

His enemies thought that God was not present in suffering: “God has forsaken him; pursue and seize him, for there is none to deliver him” (71:11). But time and again, David moves the attention away from himself and his enemies, and upward (71:5): God will finish the work he started. In the midst of old age and weakness, David appeals to God: “Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent” (71:9). Throwing ourselves at the feet of God is never an escape from reality; it’s always an escape to reality.

Finally, a few words on praising God. This Psalm is full of praise, as most Psalms are. I believe only one Psalm - Psalm 88 - doesn’t have praise as its obvious aim. All the others include praise, and lead to praise.

The main tone of praise - and the centre of the Psalm - is towards the end of the Psalm (71:17-21):

O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depth of the earth
you will bring me up again.
You increase my greatness
and comfort me again.

The Psalmist is eager to praise God, and proclaim to others the “wondrous deeds” (71:17) from which he has benefited in times young and old (71:17).

But he also does not lose sight of the big picture. He has experienced God’s faithfulness, in the same way that Israel has experienced faithfulness in the miracle of the exodus, when God led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt (71:19, cf Exodus 15:11). Many years later, the apostle Paul would teach us in a similar way, to relate our own personal difficulties within a bigger, fuller perspective (Romans 8:11):

If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead
dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus
from the dead will also give life to your
mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

In God unapproachable majesty and light, meet with covenant love and compassion. In God love and faithfulness meet together, and righteousness and peace kiss one another (Psalm 85:10). It is no wonder, then, that the Psalmist concludes in an exalting theme of praise (71:21-24): God has delivered him, and silenced the enemy. Now David, embattled, weak, and tired, can rest his mind at ease: his faith is confirmed, and his fingers, lips, hands, and heart can continue singing the praises of God and the telling of his story.

To my father, to both my parents, to the rest of our family, and to all of you - our friends - who are gathered here on this bittersweet day, may these words serve as encouragement in our walk of faith: may we - along with the Psalmist and the rest of Christ’s church - trust in the character of God, hope in the fulfillment of his promises, and praise him for his goodness.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,

Amen+

_____

Source: Kidner, Derek. Psalms. An Introduction and Commentary. Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries. D. J. Wiseman, gen. ed., Volume 14a. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 1973.

No More Car

I found out today that as I'd initially thought, my car is a write-off.

For the past year's I've been telling my friends that the only reason I still drive a car is because I own one. If I didn't own one I'd just take transit everywhere. Well, now I don't own a car anymore. So if I stay true to my previous statements I should not replace my old vehicle with a new one.

I think I'll do it: no more car.

Here's 3 cheers to my now defunct VW Jetta that served me so well over the past 12 years: hip hip, hoorah, hip hip, horrah, hip hip, horrah!

Car Accident

Well, whereas yesterday was a fantastic day, today was horrible.

After the usual Holy Communion service at church I went hiking with Shane.

Then, on my way back, I rear-ended another car downtown (West Pender and Richards). There was some kind of parade going on, I got distracted, and before I could even react, BOOM, I hit the car in front of me! Thankfully, everyone is ok. The passenger in the car I hit (a woman) complained of mild neck pain and was taken away in an ambulance but I'm quite certain it was only for precautionary reasons. The driver, presumably her husband, wasn't freaking out or anything.

After filling out the accident report and answering some questions by the police, I was able to go home.

Once home, I immediately called Jennifer. My neck was sore, so she came over and accompanied me to a walk-in clinic to get it checked out. I think I'm fine, but will likely do a few massage therapy sessions to alleviate the discomfort.

As far as my car is concerned, I have a feeling that it's a total write-off. The airbag went off, and I've heard that the cost of repairing an airbag is around the $2,000 mark. The front end is also quite crunched, and so given that the car is 13 years old they likely wont fix it.

Rachmaninov With Charlene

Tonight was sort of a Russian themed night. Charlene and I went for dinner at a Russian Restaurant on Kingsway, and afterwards we went to the Orpheum for Rachmaninov's Vespers: a lovely evening.

I have listened to this sublime musical masterpiece many times before: indeed, it's my favourite musical piece (I have the cd with the performance of the St. Petersburg Chamber Choir, Olga Borodina, Vladimir Mostowoy, and Nikolai Korniev). It was special, therefore, to hear it live. In my view, the most amazing feature of this piece is in the beautiful way in which the soprano and bass combine. The sopranos take you to the heights of heaven, and the bass, well, they provide the perfect accompaniment for the journey! Perhaps Rachmaninov is the only one to be able to achieve such feats of glory.

And whereas a few weeks ago I had a hard time maintaining my distance from Charlene, tonight I didn't hesitate and put my arm around her quite often. Things went so well that by the end of the night she said "Are we still only friends?" Good question...

Spanish Bibles, Suitcases, Mexican Bakes, Haircut, And A Rift

Spanish Bible: today I went to the bookstore and picked up the Spanish Bible I'd ordered for Patri a few weeks ago. Very soon I'll be going for dinner with her and at that point I'll give it to her. My prayer is that she would find God in the pages of Scripture...

Suitcase: Jennifer and I are going to Mexico at the end of April. At the end of my World Tour last year my big suitcase was broken, so today I went to pick up a new one in preparation for our trip. It looks like our itinerary will be Mexico City - Puebla or Veracruz - Cuernavaca - Mexico City.

Mexican Bake: as planned, I tried a Mexican recipe from the new cookbook I got a few days ago. I'd rank the finished product a disappointing 5. Very bland. I will try it again with more spicy ingredients (the ones the recipe actually calls for!) and see how it turns out.

Haircut: Got my monthly haircut today.

Rift: even though Jennifer and I are planning to go to Mexico (the plan's been in the works for a while), there's a rift happening between us. The reason: Charlene. This should be no surprise. The rift is psychological on my part, because I have not mentioned anything to her yet at this point about Charlene and I, but that day is coming very soon. I have every intention to preserve our friendship but realize that this will be very difficult to do.

Angels Recognized

Today my family attended a ceremony at which the angels that saved Ralph's life were honoured by the police. They received plaques of merit. We are humbled by their unselfish acts. God bless them.

Here they are:

Vegetarian Cooking

A few weeks ago someone left a vegetarian cookbook at the "giveaway corner" of our apartment building, so I took it and have been cooking vegetarian since. This book's essentially a "gift" to me, because I've decided to give up meet for Lent, so vegetarian recipes is exactly what I need!

Here are the recipes I've tried so far (and the rating, out of 10):
* green pea soup (7)
* corn chowder soup (9)
* pasta with green peas and celery in a cream sauce (6)

Later this week I want to try and make a mexican bake. It looks delicious.

Just Like That

So I did it. I told Charlene this afternoon that I liked her. Just like that.

She came to my place for a visit, and while we were in the kitchen I told her. Maybe not the most romantic context, come to think of it, but I'm glad I did it.

As I suspected, the interest is mutual. We decided that for the time being, our relationship was best served by staying friends and continuing to get to know each other.

I briefly held her hand. I tingled all over. Her smile really is lovely.

Tingling

I have to say it: my interest for Charlene is getting more and more intense.

Yesterday we attended an Ash Wednesday service together at a local anglo-catholic church, and throughout the entire service I pondered holding her hand and putting my arm around her. I was completely distracted. My reason for attending the service was totally overrun by my psychosomatic urges. Good thing the season of repentance is only starting...

We've been out a few times - coffee, dinner, hiking, symphony - and lately we've been in touch more often, 2-3 times a week, on the phone or email. I have a feeling that our attraction is mutual, and that something's going to happen with us soon. Not sure what yet, but something...

But even so, there's still a lingering cloud of doubt over my head. We share the same faith in Jesus, but we look at the world from almost opposite angles (how is that possible!). In terms of our personalities, I think we're also very different, even opposites. I know that in some cases "opposites attract", but in this case I just don't know if attraction will see us through.

She has many good qualities: she's intelligent and attractive; she's friendly, gentle, and good-humoured. She's a woman of integrity and has many of the same concerns that I do: in a nutshell, she's on about the kingdom of God. Most notably for me has been her presence the past 2 months, since Ralph's accident. She's been there always, praying, encouraging, and supporting. No one has been more present to me the past few months.

And yet, on the other hand, we clash, and we clash often. Our biggest struggle in terms of how we view the world has to do with matters of gender relations. It's the usual problem: I'm not on-board with the direction Western society has chosen. Men and women are equal, but we're different, God has created us differently. And from a Christian perspective, approaching matters of human worth from the point of "rights", "justice", "skills and talents", and "fairness" is wrong-headed. Our conversations should be based on the premise of "service" and "self-giving". This goes for both, men and women. I'll leave it at that.

We've both acknowledged our differences all along, and we've tried to learn from one another rather than preach to each other, but in the end, our differences are still so vast that I see great difficulty in making things work.

But for the time being, I'm putting the cart in front of the horse. What I know right now is this: my body was tingling at the thought of holding her hand yesterday. Let's see how things go in our next few get-togethers.

Ash Wednesday

Joel 2: 1-2, 12-17: The Day of the LORD

1- Blow a trumpet in Zion;
sound an alarm on my holy mountain!
Let all the inhabitants of the land tremble,
for the day of the LORD is coming; it is near,

2- a day of darkness and gloom,
a day of clouds and thick darkness!
Like blackness there is spread upon the mountains
a great and powerful people;
their like has never been before,
nor will be again after them
through the years of all generations.

...

12- "Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;

13- and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.

14- Who knows whether he will not turn and relent,
and leave a blessing behind him,
a grain offering and a drink offering
for the LORD your God?

15- Blow the trumpet in Zion;
consecrate a fast;
call a solemn assembly;

16- gather the people.
Consecrate the congregation;
assemble the elders;
gather the children,
even nursing infants.
Let the bridegroom leave his room,
and the bride her chamber.

17- Between the vestibule and the altar
let the priests, the ministers of the LORD, weep
and say, "Spare your people, O LORD,
and make not your heritage a reproach,
a byword among the nations.[a]
Why should they say among the peoples,
'Where is their God?'"

Accepted!

I found out today that I was accepted into the spring CPE unit. Yay! Thank you Lord Jesus!

Jennifer's Birthday

Today was Jennifer's birthday, and we celebrated her in good form: we took her for dinner at the Afghan Horseman! I've been there a few times now, and have never been disappointed. We ordered their specialty platters - both, vegetarian and meat - they really hit the spot. The pakarwas (potato slices fried in a batter) are divine. The afghan tea they serve there is not to be missed either!

For some people (ehemmmm) the highlight of the evening was the dancer who came out after dinner. :)

Anyways, happy birthday Jennifer!!!

Dinner On Bowen Island

Tomorrow is Jennifer's birthday. True to my form of-late, I bought a plant (zebra) for her as a birthday present. I also bought a croton plant for myself.

To celebrate her birthday we went to Bowen Island for dinner. When I'd visited the island late last year, I noticed that the Tuscany Wood Oven Pizza restaurant looked like a nice Italian restaurant to visit on a special occasion. So tonight I surprised Jen and took her there. It was quite a nice evening. Unfortunately we didn't take any pictures!

This wont be the last time I visit the island for a meal. It's very do-able. We drove to Horseshoe Bay, parked the car there and went by ferry. But there's no reason you couldn't take the car across, or for that matter, the best way to go is probably to leave the car at home and opt for the bus and ferry combo the whole way.

Taize

Over the past few months I've been learning about Taizé and have really come to love the music. I also went to a few Taizé services, and tonight I went to another one. I really enjoyed it.

I went with Charlene, and I really enjoyed her company again. She's quite gentle and she constantly smiles.

But again, whatever enjoyment we had with one another, it was matched by a difference in viewpoint on matters of theology: this time the issue was "our physical posture in prayer." I know I know .. I'm selfish.

Afterwards I visited Ralph. I got home after midnight.

BCMC With Charlene

Well if yesterday was a beautiful day, today was a winter wonderland. In other words, today was even more beautiful! It snowed throughout the day...

After the usual Sunday morning Eucharist, I went home for a couple of hours (breakfast) before picking up Charlene at around 11am. I parked my car in her parkade, and then ventured out onto the snowy road with her Honda SUV. I have to say that both, the height and the sturdiness of a SUV give one an increased sense of security on the road.

Anyways, we drove slowly towards Grouse. Not many people were on the road which made the drive quite pleasant (I wish it snowed everyday!). Upon arrival at the bottom of the mountain, we immediately put on our yak-tracks: it was so unusual starting out with them right from the get-go of the hike!

Here's what we saw on the way up:

Once atop Grouse Mountain we ate a sandwich lunch that we'd brought with us up the mountain. Charlene picked a great combination of ciabatta bread with cold cuts and cheeses, as well as some nuts, and carrot and veggie sticks. I really appreciate her creativity, especially around the theme of food. My approach is usually to order food from the restaurant atop the mountain. It's a lazy and expensive approach.

I think I'm beginning to like Charlene. She's very beautiful and has a lovely smile. We seem to get along well too, which is surprising given our differences of view on most issues. Truthfully, her "liberated" viewpoints on most things give me a headache.

BCMC With Jennifer

Here are some pictures of my hike to the top of Grouse Mountain earlier this morning. It was a really beautiful day, as the snow line was quite low.

I like this last picture!

In the afternoon I visited Ralph, and then in the evening I went to Sanjit's to celebrate his birthday. It was a snowy evening, very beautiful. At the end of the evening I gave both Alfonso and Patri a ride home. I hope the snow stays for a few days.....

5 Plans For The Day

Today was marked by 5 "events":

1- car problems: on my way to New Westminster my car started making really loud noises. In fact, so loud that I was embarrassed driving! The original plan was to visit Ralph before and after lunch, but I decided to ditch the "before" plans, and drove my car to a repair shop instead. I was told that by the end of the day the car would be fixed.

2- lunch with Russell and Darren: this was a good-bye lunch, on behalf of the shipping/receiving department (ehem .. all of 2 people). We went to a Thai restaurant in New West, not too far from the hospital. The food was good, and the company too. We discussed the future of the company (it doesn't look very promising, from my vantage point, and I'm an outsider now so I can say it) for the most part. While I'm glad that I'm now turning the page and moving in a different direction vocationally, I do believe that both Russell and Darren were good men to work with.

3- after lunch I visited Ralph: I actually went back to the mechanic shop before going to the hospital, and to my surprise, they hadn't found the problem yet, but they assured me that by day's end they would. So, to the hospital I went. My visit with Ralph was very good. My heart aches for him, my heart is breaking for him. I read more Psalms for him, and also did another prayer service from the BCP. Lord please heal him!

4- dinner with coworkers: after a good 2-hour visit with Ralph I went back to the shop to pick up my car. Then I went to the Paddlewheeler Pub at the Quay in New Westminster. This was another good-bye event from work. I have to say that I feel cared for by these good-bye events. I met some really great people these past 2.5 years. Even people whom I usually don't speak with too much at work showed up. No names will be mentioned... It was good to be able to formally say good-bye. I'm especially grateful to Melanie who single-handedly planned the entire event. I will miss her.

5- pick up "Alve" desk: my final activity for the day was supposed to be a highlight, but it ended up being a major disappointment. For the past 3 months I've been looking for a used Alve desk (Ikea) to buy, and I thought I'd made a deal with someone a few days ago via email. We'd agreed that I'd pick it up tonight at 8:30. I arrived late, around 8:45, only to find out that they'd come to a verbal agreement with someone else already about the sale. The only way they were prepared to give me the desk was if I took the matching cd rack too: understandable, but not the original agreement! Upon inspecting both, the desk and the rack, I decided to pass. I didn't have a sense of Peace about it. The desk wasn't in very good shape, and the owners, well, they were idiots, I'll just leave it at that.

Mass In B Minor With Charlene

Tonight I went to see the Mass in B Minor at the Chan Centre at UBC. I'd asked Charlene to go to it a few weeks ago when we got together. It was a very good evening, especially in light of the fact that it coincided with my final day of work at Day4!

I met up with her around 7ish. We'd previously agreed to do a take-out dinner at Wendy's. Not my favourite way of dining, much less before seeing a symphony, but whatever, it was her idea and in the end it wasn't a bad one. It was my first time eating burger and fries in dress clothes in a car in a parkade!

The concert itself was decent. The TWU choir joined the VSO for the performance, and what the choir lacked in fortitude of voice, it made up in precision of tone and timing. I'm aware that I'm not a musical expert here, so pardon me if the ways of describing the strengths and weaknesses of the performance isn't up to snuff. In my opinion, either the instruments were too loud, or the choir wasn't loud enough. It's just a hunch, but my guess is that the matter had more to do with the choir than with the instruments.

Charlene was very kind with me all evening. She asked me several times how I was doing (since it was my last day of work), but also, this night was supposed to be the night Ralph sang in the choir: I'd planned to attend this concert well before the accident, and so going to it and not seeing Ralph there was tough. I'd invited Melanie and Heinz to come along but they passed on the opportunity, thinking that it was too close to home emotionally.

Charlene seems to have a very good ear for music too. It was enjoyable getting feedback from her. She's opinionated, and we didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, but we had a good conversation all around.

I also loaded up on coffee at the intermission. I know Lent is coming up, so I'm using every opportunity I have to get caffeinated...

Chaplaincy Interview

This morning was my interview for acceptance into the chaplaincy program. I arrived 3 minutes late (the elevators at the hospital are .. s l o w ! I arrived at the hospital 15 minutes early but got stuck in elevator hell. Anyways, the interviewers, Phil and Phil, didn't seem to mind.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how well I did in the interview. It was long (2.5 hours), the questions were hard, but that's to be expected. It seems to me that the program is based as much on psychology as it is on theology, and to a certain degree hat makes sense. I just hope that psychology isn't overemphasized at the expense of theology.

There was one question that I didn't like. It was along the lines of "how would you react if you were called to give pastoral care to a gay couple." I think I answered the question well enough, but inside me there was a storm going on. Why is there such an emphasis on same-sex relationships nowadays? It seems like that's everyone's hobby-horse: the issue has to be brought up at every possible event. It's like the favourite flavour of the month, and it doesn't sit well with me.

In the end, even though I felt like I answered the questions well, I left the interview wondering whether I'm the type of person they're looking for. I certainly feel "qualified" for pastoral care, but I'm just not sure that my theological convictions will be acceptable; on the other hand, I'm not convinced I can handle the theological convictions under which the program are run.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me. You've brought me to this "place". Please see me through it.

Praying Psalms of Lament

Given the situation in our family, here are some thoughts I gathered today from listening to Darrell Johnson's lecture on laments in the Psalms.

Laments are:
1- An "In your face", direct address to God: a plea for help => rescue me, heal me, forgive me, lift me out of pit, overcome the enemies!
2- Complaint: Why? => why do the wicked prosper? why do you not judge? why are you so far away? how long?
3- Either a confession of sin (I'm part of the problem), or claim of innocence (I didn't do anything to deserve this) => examples are Psalm 44, 89.
4- A cursing of the enemy.
5- A request for God's answer, and an explanation of why He should answer: 1- for your Name's sake ("So that your Name is not dishonoured .. You said that You're the God that's with us and for us .. if this continues .. You're not going to look very good God!"); 2- because I'm yours, I don't deserve to be treated this way; 3- b/c if I die You wont be praised .. those in Hades don't praise you!; 4- a vow: rescue me and I'll praise you, I will honour You.
6- An expression of confidence in God's response (except in Psalm 88).
7- A thanksgiving, blessing: "I know You're here, I know You're with me."

Redemptive aspects of praying Psalms of lament:
1- they keep us from a denial spirituality => lament Psalms help us stay away from pretending everything's ok.
2- Lament Psalms help us realize we're not alone => they remind us that there's a whole company of people who know pain and suffering, and to pray these Psalms with people gives us assurance we're not alone.
3- they build authentic community => based on the fullness of our humanity, and not just in our pious "nicety."
4- they engender true healing => laments open up deep places so that "the light and life of God" can penetrate them.
5- they engender deeper intimacy => with God; we realize that the character of God is good, and that he doesn't let bad things happen without purpose.
6- they are part of the process by which God brings the kingdom (and all the fullness thereof) into the world => in Rev. 6-8, the Lamb opens the scroll (the secret of history), and God acts in response to the prayers of his people. We are not wasting our breath by praying "How long, Lord!" It's part of the mystery.

Feb. 18: Last Day Of Work

I found out today that my last day of work at Day4 will be February 18th. My feelings are mixed: some excitement for the future; some trepidation about what's to come; some relief in being able to spend more time with Ralph; but most of all, uncertainty, lots of uncertainty!

The timing is good though: I think the pace I'm going on is unsustainable. Once I'm no longer working I'll have more time to visit Ralph.

More Toothache

I talked to my friend Anoush yesterday about my experience at the dentist last week, and she mentioned that that experience is quite common: you go in for a cleaning, you're told that unless you do such and such your teeth are going to rot and fall out in the next few years and you'll suffer from a bad self esteem problem as a result, and so the best solution is to do x, y, or z.

She actually said that most dentists work on that premise (let's call it the fear mongering approach). Sadly, I capitulated.

But she knows a conservative (her term, not mine) dentist who doesn't throw the knife at everything he sees. I'll give him a try next time. If I have a bad experience with him I'm never going back to the dentist!

In the meantime, my tooth still aches...

Teeth

I went to the dentist yesterday. Horrible experience. I'm pretty sure my dentist is just in it for the money. "Prevention" is such a big focus that I'm pretty sure he creates problems where there are none.

Case in point: I have pain now where I didn't previously, and, to boot, I may need a root canal! A root canal wasn't even part of the picture in the consultation. He did a filling, dug a little too deep, damaged a nerve, and now he's talking about having to do a root canal.

The worst of it is the pain. For the moment I can only take in lukewarm food or drink. Anything hot or cold goes right to the nerve of my tooth.

Ralph Update

Here's an email I sent my friends today:

Hi friends, here's a brief update on Ralph:

* his head swelling has come down enough for the doctors to take out the tubes in his head (they were gauging brain pressure and monitoring swelling); this is definitely good news!

* the doctors have determined that Ralph did not damage his spine in the accident; last weekend the doctors lowered his sedation enough to do some simple "pinching" tests: nurses pinched his hands and toes, to see if he responded to pain: he did, his body jolted abruptly; this is also very good news .. perhaps this is one of the only legitimate times to rejoice in someone else's pain...

* Ralph still needs to have his neck operated on: the surgery was supposed to take place last weekend, but his neck area got infected from the ventilator (Ralph was at that point not breathing on his own, the machine was doing all the work; today, he initiates each breath, but the ventilator takes over after that and does the rest of the work) so the doctors postponed the surgery; the plan is to undergo neck surgery sometime this weekend (most likely tomorrow, Saturday)

* his right ear lobe is not growing back properly; it will have to be removed and plastic surgery performed; for the time being this is not a high priority; we do not know if/how hearing is affected

* Ralph is still heavily sedated: he has been "asleep" for all 19 days; after the neck surgery is performed, the doctors will gradually lower sedation levels and hope he wakes up. Then, we can begin to see the status of his brain.

A quick story: earlier this week (Tuesday, I think - all days are but a blur at the moment) the nurses lowered his sedation levels somewhat. I was in Ralph's room with Melanie, and her two youngest sons, Terence and Derek. Melanie and I were talking quietly in a corner, while Derek and Terence were telling Ralph how much they missed him. Derek was stroking Ralph's finger. All of the sudden, Terence said "Hey, his eyes are open." Melanie and I jumped up and ran to the bed. Sure enough, his eyes were open, and he was staring straight up at the ceiling. We all told him that we love him. Then, seeing what was happening, the nurse came into the room, went right close to his ear, and said loudly: "If you can hear us, please blink once." And to our astonishment, he blinked. Our hearts lept for joy. Then, she asked him to blink again. This time he didn't respond. His eyes stayed open for about another 30 seconds - still staring at the ceiling - and then they closed. We're not certain how to interpret the events (did he hear us or not?), but personally, I believe he mustered up all his energies to open his eyes. Asking him to blink several times was asking too much, for the time being. I pray that this is the correct interpretation.

I leave you with Psalm 62:1-2, a verse I've been reading with Ralph daily, and reciting on my own about a thousand times a day: "Truly, my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Mon Âme Se Repose

The last time I saw him before his accident, Ralph mentioned to me that he hopes to one day sing in a choir that sings beautiful sacred music. In the coming months I will play him plenty of Taizé music like this one. I think he will enjoy it:

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul:
de lui vient mon salut.
Oui, sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose,
se repose en paix.

In God alone my sould can find rest and peace,
In God my peace and joy.
Only in God my soul can find its rest,
Find its rest and peace.

In Gott, nur in Gott ist mein Geist tief geborgen,
Von Ihm kommt mein Erlös.
Ja, nur in Gott sei mein Geist tief geborgen,
Tief geborgen in Ruh.

-----

Music: Jacques Berthier

Birthday In New Westminster

This morning I went to church as usual. Going to church the past two weeks was accompanied with an extra level of intensity: the sermons more poignant, the prayers more fervent, the conversations more raw, and Presence in the sacraments more Real.

Immediately after church I drove up to Grouse Mountain to meet up with Shane for a hike. As we've done for the past few weeks (since January 9), we hike the BCMC trail every Sunday morning at 9am.

In the afternoon I visited with Ralph. Thinking about his condition brings tears to my soul.

In the evening we celebrated mom's birthday at a Greek-Italian restaurant nearby. Everybody's downcast. For whatever reason, it seems that our family's especially susceptible to pessimism. I think I'm the only one not naturally inclined towards it. Strange. Surely it's Mercy. But I think it's imperative that we don't forget to be thankful during these difficult times.

Visiting Ralph With Jennifer and Sanjit

This morning around 10:30 Jen, Sanjit and I met for breakfast at a small little Korean joint near the hospital in New West. breakfast was good, although I found a long strand of hair in my pancakes.

After breakfast the 3 of us went to visit Ralph. First, Jen and I, then Sanjit and I.

In the afternoon Jennifer and I hiked the BCMC trail.

Package

I decided to take a severance package from work, rather than be transferred to another department.

I believe that this is the right decision. I have little doubt, and total Peace about the situation.

I don't know when my last day of work will be yet.

More Plants

Today is mom's birthday, but we're not really in a celebratory mood. This is especially the case for mom. Still, we will celebrate her, albeit not today. It's mid-week and we're all focused on caring for Ralph. Instead, we will celebrate her on Sunday (30th), over dinner at a restaurant in New Westminster.

In preparation for mom's birthday I bought some more plants: one for her, one each for Melanie and Ralph, and 2 for me. I also got some new planters from Just Potters, an organization that does great work among the economically disadvantaged of Vancouver.

So here are the plants that I purchased:
1- dracaena (I will partner this one with the other two I bought a few weeks ago)
1- tropical "palm" plant
2- peace lillies (Melanie & Ralph)
1 - anthurium (mom)

In the coming days I will post some pictures of the plants I'm amassing.

Timing Through The Eyes Of Faith

God's timing is amazing, even humorous.

Just over three weeks ago I applied for acceptance into the CPE program, thinking that maybe chaplaincy is where God is leading me to vocationally.

Just over a week ago my beloved nephew Ralph was in a serious car accident and his life hinging on a thread.

Three days ago I was told by the Director of Facilities at work that the company would be laying off more people, and that he had the terrible task of laying off hourly workers. He gave me the option of transferring from the shipping/receiving department to the production group, or be laid off. I have a few days' time to think about the options before making a decision. My gut feeling is to choose to be laid off: I'd get a severance package, claim EI, and be able to spend more time with family.

To some, these 3 events - chaplaincy application, Ralph's accident, and job layoff - are "random", "isolated", "chance" incidents, but in my mind there's something bigger happening here. God's big Hand is evident here. To the eyes of faith this reveals plan and purpose through and through.

Ralph Update

Here's an email I sent my friends today regarding Ralph's condition:

Good evening dear friends, I trust you've all had a good week. I am very grateful for your phone calls and emails, offers to cook meals or meet up for coffee, and offers to visit Ralph and read to him. My sister's family has been equally inundated with love .. Melanie hasn't had to cook a single meal this past week, as people from her church have brought fresh food to her doorstep everyday. We are so blessed to have you as friends....

Some of you have asked for an update on Ralph's situation, so here goes: this time I'll keep it short, really!

* in one sense, his condition has not changed, he's still in an induced coma; we met with the doctors on Thursday night and their concern is still the same: the severity of his brain and neck injuries. They will be unable to determine his status until such time as his sedation levels are lowered and he "wakes up". Currently, his brain pressure is still too high and his head too swollen to conduct any meaningful testing.
* on the other hand, he has improved very very much since one week ago: his brain swelling seems to have climaxed and is on the way down (he looked "good" today, for the first time). The nurses began decreasing sedation levels on Friday, and that went well until today when he didn't respond well (brain pressure increased) so they had to up his sedation levels slightly.

Please continue to pray for the doctors, nurses, Melanie's family, and Ralph.

Growing Concerns

Upon hearing about Ralph's accident from other relatives, mom and dad cut their vacation in Mexico short (they were supposed to return on Monday) and returned today. I went to the airport to pick them up.

Afterwards, I updated them on what had transpired over the past 6 days, and drove them directly to the hospital. When mom saw Ralph she broke down and wept hysterically. Dad was stoic, unemotional, at least on the outside. Certainly inside there was a storm.

The enormity and gravity of the situation is slowly dawning upon me. Ralph's condition as of now is very tenuous. He has massive injuries to his body, most serious of which are his head. There are very real fears of significant brain injury. There is also concern to the neck area. One of the vertebrae seems to be fractured and there's concern about his spinal cord. His right ear is at least partially severed, his jaw is wired shut in order to heal, and both, his right arm and his left clavicle are still broken and in need of surgery.

Thankfully, he's still unconscious, and the machines are doing his living for him.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on Ralph, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on us all,
for we are all sinners.

Angels At A Car Crash

Ralph's accident is still enveloped in mystery, but a few things are becoming clearer. For one thing, God sent some angels to follow him on the road.

It seems that the accident on Sunday occurred while Ralph was on his way home from church. He was driving on Clayburn Road, when his car hydroplaned upon hitting a sea of still-standing water. This makes sense, as the sudden warm temperatures of the past few days melted all the snow from the snowfalls earlier last week, overflowing the ditches with water.

There were apparently 3 witnesses - angels - who appeared at the accident site within a very short time of the accident: these angels saved his life. The first one actually saw the water-wall that went up when the car hit the standing water, as he was driving behind Ralph: the car flew up in the air, hit a poll further down the street, and then landed in the ditch. The man stopped his car, ran towards the ditch, and upon arriving there noticed that the car was fully submerged. He jumped into the muddy, ice-cold water, and began feeling his way, looking for signs of life. At first, he found none.

A second angel appeared out of nowhere (was he real?), also in the water, and together the two of them were able to locate Ralph inside the car (on the passenger side!), pry him loose, and bring him out. By that time, Ralph had been under water for at least 2 minutes.

The third angel appeared in the form of a nurse, who performed CPR on Ralph and stabilized him. The wife of the first angel had already notified 911, and in an amazing display of emergency response, the ambulance arrived shortly afterwards. It was immediately determined that Ralph's condition was critical and that he would need extremely urgent care. The decision was made to airlift him to the hospital in New Westminster.

Thank you Lord for sending your angels in the form of Good Samaritans. We bless and praise you, and ask for many blessings upon them.

Here are two articles related to the accident:
1- January 18
2- January 19

A New Routine

I went to work today, but in a very real way I experienced what it means to be somewhere only in the body. My soul and my spirit were at the hospital with Ralph and his family.

A few co-workers asked about his condition and it was very difficult for me to keep a straight face. Is it even desirable to keep a straight face? Everyone's very compassionate.

Yesterday I sent out an email to a whole bunch of people, requesting for prayer.

After work today I went straight to the hospital to be with Ralph. I read Psalm 13 and 23. I prayed the On Visiting a Sick Person prayer. I read the first two chapters of CS Lewis' Prince Caspian with him. Can he hear me? According to the nurse, "we assume that he can."

I'm shelving virtually all activities from my calendar of events for the time being. The exception is board games night, a weekly dinner with Jennifer, regular BCMC hikes with Shane, and of course, liturgy on Sunday mornings.

On A Thread

Things really were as bad as Heinz described them last night. I arrived at the hospital at around 11am today to find that Ralph was in the ICU, his life hanging in the balance.

He looked miserable: his head was shaved and with suture marks on both the left and the right side; there was a big tube coming out of the left side of his head; the right side of his face was purple, especially the ear area (the ear itself was not visible, it was bandaged); his entire face and head, swollen almost beyond recognition; a trachea was connected to his throat, providing air to the lungs; his right upper arm is broken, his left clavicle is also broken; his jaw is broken and wired shut (to allow the bones to heal); scrapes, cuts, and bruises on his face, throat, and arms, with blood marks throughout. Horrible, absolutely horrible.

At once, upon seeing Ralph, the suffering of Christ on the cross made perfect sense to me. Whatever Ralph is going through, God in Christ has already gone through it. God co-suffers with Ralph because of Christ's suffering on the cross. Thank God for the Resurrection!

Ralph's unconscious, machines are doing everything for him, including breathing. There are somewhere in the vicinity of 10-15 cables connecting him to various machines. A nurse sits just outside his room 24/7, monitoring his condition.

I was able to keep my composure on the outside, but on the inside I wept and wept and wept. I think the presence of the TWU chaplain who arrived almost at the same time I did helped me keep it together. He prayed for Ralph and our family.

Later in the afternoon, around 5pm, Heinz, Melanie, and family arrived. The details of the accident are still sketchy. We visited Ralph together, and we prayed.

The nurses in ICU are very kind.

Providentially, I'm reading Caring right now, by Morton T. Kelsey.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on Ralph, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living Go, have mercy on us all,
for we are all sinners.

Voicemail News

After a very good (and busy!) day today, eating breakfast at Rachelle's, hiking the BCMC and eating dinner with Jennifer, and playing board games with some great friends at Patri's, I got home to a horrible voicemail message from Heinz.

It seems that Ralph has been in a very serious car accident around 1:30pm this afternoon. He was airlifted the Royal Columbian Hospital In New Westminster, where he's still in surgery. As of yet, we don't have an update on his status.

Obviously, Melanie and Heinz are beside themselves in their anxiety. At the same time, mom and dad are in Mexico enjoying a vacation, oceanside.

I've emailed Darren, advising him that I wont be at work tomorrow. Instead, I want to visit Ralph at the hospital.

Greenthumb

An interest in plant-growth seems to be developing within me. I can't explain the reason, except for perhaps an increased sensitivity and awe for God's creation. Maybe this is all a part of a new-found conviction towards the sacramentality of this world.

Today I picked up 2 peace lillies (one for Jen and one for myself). We've been at war lately, and thus my hope is that these lillies will work towards reconciliation. I also bought 2 dracaena plants, and 2 succulents. I'll see just how green my thumbs are...

Application For A Change

Almost a year (to the day!) after complaining about my job, I applied for a change today: I applied for acceptance into the CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) program at VGH.

It's been an interesting journey the past few months, actually. After returning from my World Tour earlier this year (see articles from late May to mid-July), I felt that a vocational change was in the works.

I looked at moving to the Okanagan and starting a Christian retreat centre there, but that didn't pan out, I just didn't have peace about it. The all-important factor that ultimately hindered a move in that direction was the lack of a partner. Not (necessarily) a marriage partner, but a partner to help see the thing through. For whatever reason, I seem to be unable to put an idea into action on my own, above all if the idea requires creativity and risk.

Anyways, starting today, I may be onto a new trajectory, yet again.

A Quiet Christmas

Since Ted and Melanie and families are in Paraguay, my parents and I spent Christmas Eve together in the comforts of my small apartment. Truth be told, although I missed the rest of our family, I much prefer a quiet Christmas with a small group of people in a candle-lit apartment over a loud affair in a big, impersonal house.

I made my usual dinner-dish, roasted vegetables, and mom brought milanesa and lemon pie (for dessert).

Here is our picture together:

Later on this afternoon I plan to attend Evening Prayer at St. James Anglican Church, and after that I will drive to New Westminster and hook up with friends to watch a movie or two.

This Night

Two reasons why this night is different than all others:

1- tonight, God (finally!) made himself known: "...these days he has spoken to us by his Son . . . He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature..." (Hebrews 1:1-3)

2- tonight, God invited us into his family: "[Jesus] came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God." (John 1:11-13)

-----

Silent Night, Holy Night: all is calm,
all is bright round the virgin mother and child,
holy infant so tender and mild,
sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent Night, Holy Night: shepherds quake
at the sight; glories stream from heaven afar
heavenly hosts sing, 'Alleluia;
Christ the Saviour is born, Christ the Saviour is born.'

Silent Night, Holy Night: wondrous star,
lend your light; with the angels let us sing
Alleluiah to our King;
Christ our Saviour is born, Christ our SAviour is born.

I Await (J'Attends)

I await.
I await the wind that brings tomorrow.
I await the Messiah once foretold.
I await His comfort in our sorrow.

I await the dawn that lifts our flock,
The morning star that shines upon our way,
The promised child, who moves inside me now,
And the angel who will return to me my beloved.
I await.

In the twilight of our history,
I await the dawning of His reign.
I await the first plowshare forged from swords
And the marriage of peace and justice once again.

I await, in the coldness of the dawn,
The end of crisis and the spring of hope
In this new century.
I await.

And I, says the Lord, I await...
That you will wait no more!

I await the untangling of injustice's thorns
And the dispersion of the fog of despair.
These I await by your hands of work and prayer.

You will hear my footsteps on this narrow path
And you will see that which, by faith, you await.
My peace be with you.

-----

This poem was composed by Michel Wagner from the Reformed Church of France, and translated into English by Leah Long.

Birthday Dinner @ Al Watan

After a horrible birth-day yesterday, I met up with friends today over dinner at Al Watan. I took the day off work actually, as I'd slept very little last night and was super tired. During the day I called my bank and verifierd accounts, cancelled cheques, changed PIN numbers, and all the other time-consuming stuff that goes along with minimizing risk after a break in.

But the highlight of the day was meeting up with my best friends over a fantastic dinner at Al Watan. Jennifer, Sanjit, Vero, Ervin, Juanjo, Patri, Connie, Alfonso, Benja, and Eric dropped by for dinner. As usual, Khalid cooked up a storm: mixed tandoori, dal, chicken biryani, lamb sag, chicken karahi, rice, naan, and of course my favourite, lamb curry. Most of us also had a mango lassi to go along with the spicy food, and for dessert, Khalid served us khir (rice pudding with cardamom, cinnamon, and nuts), and the best tea this side of heaven.





























Afterwards, we went to my place, where Amy and Sonia joined us for - of all things - more food: 2 cakes (one of which baked by Sonia), cookies, and some drinks.

Considering the previous 24 hours, I was quite happy to replace my sour and angry mood with some fun, friends, and smiles. The evening with friends reminded me that in the grand scheme of things, I'm a blessed man who has little reason to complain.

Break-In On A Birthday

I had bigger-than-usual expectations for today for no other reason than that it was my birthday.

In that light, it was a tad disappointing when no one at work gave me birthday wishes. I don't go around advertising my birthday, that seems cheesy to me, but given that my coworkers are quite intentional in honouring birthdays, it was hard not to feel a bit slighted as a result of this oversight.

Dinner made everything better though. I went out with Jennifer to the Afghan Horseman, a great Afghani restaurant near Granville Island. I was there about a month ago with Steven and quite liked it: the atmosphere is quiet, the food very tasty, and the tea is good .. not as good as Khalid's tea at Al Watan, but still, it's good.

Had the day ended there I'd have been satisfied. But it didn't. Upon my return home I immediately noticed something was awry. While still in my car, I noticed that all the lights in my apartment were on, and I knew that when I left, I'd only left 1 or 2 lights on. Once at the front door, I was able to walk right in, the door wasn't locked, another sign that something was wrong: I'm positive I'd locked it when I left my apartment earlier that night.

Once inside, all was revealed: my desk drawers taken out and turned upside down, its contents spread out on the floor; my bedroom window wide open, the cold air from outside having settled inside my apartment; my wardrobe doors were flung open, there were dirty footprints on my bedroom chair, and dirt tracked throughout my apartment. My heart sunk.

I immediately noticed that my laptop was missing. Damnit! Later on I noticed that my cellphone was also missing (thank God .. I'm finally rid of it!), as was my ipod. My laptop bag and my backpack were also missing, as well as some cheques and cash. But the worst was by far my laptop: it's amazing how much we depend on technology nowadays! It had all the important information that I use to live: addresses, phone numbers, schedules, information (banking, passwords, usernames), and of course, my music, my pictures, my book library, and most importantly, all my schoolwork from Regent. So, much of that is lost now...

In a significant way, it's appropriate to say that I feel violated: my sacred space was trespassed, and nothing can undo the trust bond that was violated.

The policeman came over at around 2:15am, and basically told me that my stuff would not be recovered (they're too busy solving "urgent" crimes). And actually I'm ok with that, there are certainly more urgent matters than my laptop. Perhaps there are a few lessons in this event: more reliance upon God, and less on myself and technology; wisdom (damnit, why didn't I back up my stuff more often?), and savvy (how can make my place safer, less attractive to break into?).

I'm not planning to go to work tomorrow. So much for a Happy Birthday...