Tingling

I have to say it: my interest for Charlene is getting more and more intense.

Yesterday we attended an Ash Wednesday service together at a local anglo-catholic church, and throughout the entire service I pondered holding her hand and putting my arm around her. I was completely distracted. My reason for attending the service was totally overrun by my psychosomatic urges. Good thing the season of repentance is only starting...

We've been out a few times - coffee, dinner, hiking, symphony - and lately we've been in touch more often, 2-3 times a week, on the phone or email. I have a feeling that our attraction is mutual, and that something's going to happen with us soon. Not sure what yet, but something...

But even so, there's still a lingering cloud of doubt over my head. We share the same faith in Jesus, but we look at the world from almost opposite angles (how is that possible!). In terms of our personalities, I think we're also very different, even opposites. I know that in some cases "opposites attract", but in this case I just don't know if attraction will see us through.

She has many good qualities: she's intelligent and attractive; she's friendly, gentle, and good-humoured. She's a woman of integrity and has many of the same concerns that I do: in a nutshell, she's on about the kingdom of God. Most notably for me has been her presence the past 2 months, since Ralph's accident. She's been there always, praying, encouraging, and supporting. No one has been more present to me the past few months.

And yet, on the other hand, we clash, and we clash often. Our biggest struggle in terms of how we view the world has to do with matters of gender relations. It's the usual problem: I'm not on-board with the direction Western society has chosen. Men and women are equal, but we're different, God has created us differently. And from a Christian perspective, approaching matters of human worth from the point of "rights", "justice", "skills and talents", and "fairness" is wrong-headed. Our conversations should be based on the premise of "service" and "self-giving". This goes for both, men and women. I'll leave it at that.

We've both acknowledged our differences all along, and we've tried to learn from one another rather than preach to each other, but in the end, our differences are still so vast that I see great difficulty in making things work.

But for the time being, I'm putting the cart in front of the horse. What I know right now is this: my body was tingling at the thought of holding her hand yesterday. Let's see how things go in our next few get-togethers.