Taxes And Magic

I made my annual pilgrimage to Moose Jaw this weekend, to have my taxes done.  I'm getting a return.  Not quite the amount I got the previous 3 years, but a return is a return.

While in Moose Jaw, I met up with Andra.  We've been in touch for a few months now.  Mennonite background, converted to the Orthodox Church.  Kind, gentle, a woman of great, even heroic Christian character, but there was no magic for me.

Over

I broke up with Daniela.  After doing so a heavy piano was lifted off my shoulders.

A number of factors contributed to this new failure in my relational record.

Maturity - I'm not sure if it was hers or mine.

Distance - geographical and emotional.

Outlook - on life, on the nature of God, on the world.

Attraction - something was missing.

I don't know what my problem is.  Or maybe I don't have a problem.

Daniela's Birthday

Today Daniela turns 34.

I sent her Greek coffee, along with a briki, a traditional Greek coffee pot used to make coffee on a stove top.

I think this is a good present.  During our time together first in Sudbury, then here in Saskatoon, I noticed that she gravitates towards eastern European and mediterranean culture in a number of ways, from manners of thinking and expressing herself, to food, drink, and clothing.

God of heaven and earth, I pray that you would accompany Daniela always, that you would encourage her and give her joy.  I pray these things through Christ my Lord, Amen.

Niagara Falls

Today is our final day together.  It's been an adventure, to say the least - ups and downs.  I'm really not sure what to make of it all yet.

We got up reasonably early this morning and ate breakfast, together with our airbnb hosts.  By around 10am we were ready to get going on our planned day trip to Niagara.

What a gorgeous place.

The weather here the past few days has been hot and sunny - very nice.

We took the opportunity to take some pictures.  She's amazingly photogenic.

On our way back to London we stopped at a winery where I picked up a bottle of Riesling.  She's not really interested in wines, but she was a good sport nonetheless.  Upon our return to London early evening, we went to a Lebanese restaurant we'd been to a few nights ago, and had our fill of falafel.

We spent our last evening together in the indoor pool of our hosts.  Outside, a thunderstorm gathered, unleashing wind and rain simultaneously, and I couldn't help comparing it to the relational thunderstorm that I see on the horizon for us.

Tomorrow I get up pretty early and fly back to Saskatoon.  

A week from now Jesse Cook's in town, and a few days after that I'm flying to Penticton to be with family.  I'm looking forward to both.

London

Today we spent much of the day preparing for tomorrow.  Graduating from UWO as a Dr is indeed an impressive accomplishment, and Daniela is revelling in it.  Sometimes I wonder if the reason I feel distanced from her is because I envy her intellect, academic accomplishments, and career dreams.  Am I the one distancing myself from her?

Below is a picture of her in front of one of the historical buildings on the UWO campus.  She's so proud and beautiful.

Below, the cathedral of London.

The weather here is hot, in the low 30s.  Hotter than the prairies.

A Short Road Trip

I took Friday off work and went on a short road trip with Daniela.  We left Saskatoon mid-afternoon, arriving in Moose Jaw around dinner time.  We checked into the hotel, and went for a walk on Main Street, where we eventually landed at Brown's for dinner.

Afterwards we went for a short walk, before heading back to the hotel and to the hot springs pool.  It was very nice, actually.  Last time I was here it was in the dead of winter, when the temperature contrast between the hot water in the outdoor pool contrasted dramatically with the freezing temperatures outside.

Below, a pictures of us on the road to Moose Jaw.  I've been encouraging Daniela to take the plunge and get her driver's license.  Over the past month or so she took her driving theory test and took driving lessons, so when we set out on Friday, rather than taking my vehicle, we rented a car and got her right on the steering wheel.

On Saturday morning after breakfast, we went for a walk at one of my favourite places in MJ, Crescent Park.  It really was lovely.

In the afternoon we drove to Regina, and went straight to Wascana Lake, where we parked the car and walked around the lake.

We had dinner at La Bodega.  I've been there 3 times now, and it's been a disappointment every time. The food was bland, tasteless.  I don't think I'll go back there again.

While we enjoy each other's company, this weekend was not without stress though.  I don't treat her as well as I ought to.  In some ways, I act as though she's in the way, or as though she's stupid.  She even mentioned it once earlier this week.  Lord have mercy on me.

We arrived back in Saskatoon shortly after 11pm, tired.

This Time...Brazilian

Daniela's stay here continues, and tonight we went to the local Brazilian restaurant where we enjoyed a rodizio-style dinner.  As always, the food and atmosphere is great.  Check out the dessert Daniela had!

While we were getting to know each other a half a year ago Daniela at one point wondered whether or not I'd eventually get bored with her.  I was floored by her comments, and insisted that she's off, way off.

I still think she's wrong, but I must admit that there is a part of me that's deeply dissatisfied with where we're at relationally.  I can't make sense of it at all, since she's beautiful, smart, and has values that in many ways mirror my own.

Life In Prison

Depression must feel like living in a prison.

I've had periods of depression, deep sadness, but one way or another, eventually I "snap out of it", I find a way out of the gates of hell and into the open air.  

I can't imagine how someone who deals with it their entire life must feel.  How do they cope?  How do they get by?  And how do they make sense of it theologically, spiritually?

And what would it be like having a spouse who is depressed?  Would there not be guilt feelings on either side?  The one depressed feels guilty for chaining the other person to it, bringing them "into the prison", and the other person feels guilty for not being compassionate enough.

Back Home

Well, my traveling adventure ended this morning.  I arrived at Daniela's around 8 in the morning.  We hugged and kissed, before she saw me off to the airport.

I felt like crying, but didn't.  Instead, I texted her throughout my trip home.

I arrived in Saskatoon mid-afternoon.

Last Day

This morning we left Gore Bay and our odd but welcoming hosts at the B&B.

On the way back to Sudbury we stopped by Bridal Veil waterfalls, a place worth seeing.  We took a few pictures there.

We also wanted to take a look inside Immaculate Conception RC Church, a church that has rich native connections, including a teepee-shaped architecture.   But just as we arrived at the church, they were locking the doors.  Mass was done, and everyone was on their way home.

So we drove on.

Upon leaving the island I became quiet and introspective.  Actually, we were both quiet.  I didn't realize it then, like I do now, that the Island we'd been on was a place of not only retreat, peace and quietness - away from our regular routines.  It was more than that.  It represented togetherness, exploration of intimacy in spirit and flesh.  Leaving the island and reentering the mainland was a gigantic metaphor, exiting not only a place of tranquility, but leaving behind physical intimacy  too.  Tomorrow I go back to the prairies...

Thus the silence.

But I have a feeling there is more to the silence then the realization of a return to the geographically "distant" normalcy of our relationship.  I also felt emotionally distant.  The silence was eery, as though leaving the island also implied a more definite distancing of us, emotionally.  

I was entering the depths of loneliness and despair. 

We arrived in Sudbury around 4 in the afternoon, and after a stop by my hotel to take a shower and change clothes, we went by Laurentian University, where she showed me her office.  I am so proud of her.  A teaching professor at the young age of 33.

After seeing her office, we went back to Daniela's place where she showered and got changed.  Then we went out for dinner, the last supper at East Side Mario's.

I cried today.  In front of her.  I'm sad to leave and go back to "being alone."

A Day Trip With Daniela

Last night we started watching a movie together but she fell asleep.  I was mildly annoyed...

We planned to get up early this morning and go on a road trip, so when at 10 o'clock Daniela was still asleep and giving no sign of waking up, I got up, put on some clothes, and walked around town to take some pictures, mostly of the lake and the wharf.

When I got back to the house just after 11, Daniela was ready to go.  We went to the nearest coffee shop, got ourselves 2 capps, and off we went in our Jetta.

We drove one hour to Meldrum Bay, a sleepy little town that seemed to us at the end of the world.  There were no shops there - clearly it's a summer-only vacation spot - and no people either.  It's like the whole town was boarded up and empty for the winter.  Still, we took the opportunity to weather the cold - it was -15 - and I clearly wasn't dressed warm enough, as the picture below shows, but I wasn't going to let this opportunity go by without taking a few pictures outside, with the glorious surroundings.

The picture below is my favourite.  So cute, so warm...

On our way back we were starving, so we stopped by a greasy spoon restaurant.  We peaked inside, and the place was dripping with fat, so we continued, arriving back at our place by around 3:30pm.

I enjoy her company very much.  She's very intelligent, and very much a thinker.  But it seems to me there is some darkness hidden underneath that gorgeous smile, underneath those dark and lovely eyes...

What to do.  She teaches at a university.  I'm in the prairies.  Far away.  At times I feel like weeping.  How are we ever going to make this work?  When I first met her I told her romantically, "I'll move heaven and earth to be with you."  But, will I?  Now that I'm settled in the peaceful prairies with a job that I absolutely love?  Plus, didn't God call me to come here?  If I left now, am I not deserting the very people who brought me here?  Am I not letting them down?

Tomorrow we drive back to Sudbury.  Deep inside, I'm feeling a dread.  Not because she makes me feel this way - she does not - but because the thought of leaving her and flying back home terrifies me.

We worked hard for 3 months to make this meeting happen, and now that it's happened, I'm supposed to go back to my normal life...

Exploring Town

We slept in today.

Went for a walk around town, explored the small downtown core, discovered an art gallery by the lake, and went for a lengthy walk along the lake.

Came back for a late lunch, at Twin Bluffs, before going back for a lengthy nap.

In the evening we went to a very nice restaurant and, this being a fishing town, we ate lots of fish.  For dessert we had a toffee cheesecake.

Road Trip

Our schedule the past few days has been along the following lines:

breakfast and lunch together

Daniela goes to university late afternoon for her French class

afterwards, dinner together

Today was the same, except after her class ended, we drove 2 hours and checked ourselves into a B&B on Manitoulin Island.

We listened to Jesse Cook on the way down - Bogota by Bus - and ate sandwiches that I'd prepared for us: mini-baguettes, with provolone cheese, spinach, prosciutto, and cherry tomatoes.

We had a late check-in, everything worked to perfection.

I'm happy.

She Loved The Earrings

I made an excellent choice with these earrings.  Big score...

She looks incredibly lovely.  Particularly, the dark reds contrast with the light colour of her skin.

All Day Long

I got up early today and went to Daniela's place (I'm staying at a hotel) by 8:30am.  We spent all day together.

We cooked together: breakfast and dinner.  We skipped lunch.

Lots of good coffee.

She prepared a Romanian dish for dinner: stuffed green peppers and pork chops.  For dessert we had home made apple pie.

I feel tremendously blessed.

Finally

I finally met Daniela today.  This, after talking to her "virtually" everyday since meeting her in mid-October.  It was a very special moment.

I left Mexico City just after midnight, on a flight to Toronto.  From there I took another flight to Sudbury.  Upon arrival, I took a 45-minute taxi ride to the city, where I picked up my rental VW Jetta, before heading downtown to Daniela's place.  I arrived at her place near noon.  The temperature outside was around -20, but sunny.

Our embrace was long and full of warmth.  We spent much of our day becoming acquainted.  No more virtual.  There is no replacement to feeling the warmth of another person...

Got The Earrings!

So I woke up thinking "Gotta get those earrings for her!"  So I did - went there as early as possible without seeming desperate to Ruth and Marty. ;)

They are truly so lovely.  I looked at over 100 different kinds of pairings, and this one was by far the perfect set.  My gosh, I'm so excited.

Fun, colourful, feminine, and classy.  The edges are silver.  And the package is cute also.  Not sure I can keep this secret from her till I see her in just over a week.

Pizza And Earrings

Been in Mexico for only a few hours and already enjoyed some fantastic company and food.

Spent the day with Ruth and Marty, relaxing at their apartment.  They are such good hosts, they know how to make someone feel at home, in their home.

Went for dinner at a pizza restaurant a 20 minute walk from their condo.

While walking around, taking in the atmosphere, we dropped by the artisan square where they have all kinds of kitsch for sale.  I found some amazing earrings for Daniela.  They're so lovely.  I didn't buy them because I want to think about it overnight - you know, sleep on it - but the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that they are THE right present for her.  I just hope they're still there tomorrow...

Tomorrow more of the same - relaxing at home.  Monday we take a bus to Acapulco.

Dr. Daniela

Today Daniela defended her PhD thesis successfully.  She's now Dr. Daniela.  One of the profs gave her grief about her conservative views on things, but she remained steadfast and stood her ground.  Good for her...

Below are pictures she sent me.

Flowers

The flowers I sent her arrived right on time, yesterday morning.