Spiritual Care Retreat

Lumsden - a gorgeous place for a retreat.

In Sobrado Alone

A tremendous feeling of loss and desolation has come upon me.

Monasteries almost always have this effect on me: they force me to see myself as I really am - with all my strengths and weaknesses -  and not as I wish I was.  They force me to deal with my neediness and brokenness.  They remind me that I desire to be in relation with, and not isolated from, others.  They remind me that the dictum "I think, therefore I am" is utterly false, and that "I relate, therefore I am" gets much closer to the truth.

And yet, when I'm in the chapel, looking at the Crucified One, I find Peace, or maybe, Peace finds me...

I walked around in the afternoon and took some pictures of the monastery.  In my restlessness I also walked around for a long time, until my feet began to hurt.

I love the cross below.  On the right side is Christ, hanging, carrying the sins of the world on his shoulders.  On the left side is Mary, standing, carrying the agony of a mother on her shoulders.

In the following picture are the men I've met here.  Only the one in the middle is a monk (from England).  The rest are men on a spiritual retreat, much like me.  The one on the left is from Valencia (far south of Spain!), the one beside him is from Oviedo, and the one on the very right is from Madrid.  All of them very pleasant, very engaging and hospitable.

The monk said the funniest thing I heard during my stay here: "I love the English, the only problem is, too many Englishmen live there."

In the evening I went to Vespers and Compline again.  Through this liturgy a measure of Peace returns to me.

Tomorrow the Camino continues.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have Mercy on me, a Sinner!

In Sobrado With Jennifer

I slept surprisingly well last night: I missed vigilias and laudes.

We ate breakfast at 9am.  As usual, tostadas were on the menu, as well as café con leche.  But rather than eating the bread with honey, I ate it with the wonderful homemade jams on offer.  There were 2 varieties available, strawberry and orange.  The strawberry jam in particular was out-of-this-world good!

After breakfast Jennifer had a one-track mind: washing and drying laundry.  How annoying.

Outside the weather was dark, wet and rainy, a suitable image for how I felt inside my heart: down, grey, and sad.

Nevertheless, after the laundry was done we took time to walk around the grounds of the monastery and take pictures.

We took some pictures inside the massive church.  The church is actually not in use, it's just too big to maintain for the (approximately) 15 monks who live here.  At first I was sad at the decrepit, damp, and mossy interior of the church.  But afterwards I learned that only +/-50 years ago the entire monastery lay ruined, entirely overgrown by ivy, and that it was a group of monks who came back and reclaimed the monastic grounds from their ruined state.  This lifted my spirits. 

Below is a picture of one of the 2 courtyards of the monastery.

For lunch we stayed at the monastery.  We had lentejas, a lentil soup, which was amazingly good.  After the soup they brought out pasta, which was equally good.  Red wine was served with the food.

Shortly before noon, the sun came out, so we went out and took some pictures of not only the monastery but also the town.

At 3:15 I said goodbye to Jennifer.  Strange.  Just before she left, I said to her that I'd miss her, and I asked if she would miss me.  Her response was a typical Jennifer response: "I don't know."  Cold.  Factual.  Concise.  It reminded me of when we first began going out a few years ago when I asked her why she liked me and she responded "I don't know."

So here I am.  Alone.  With a bunch of celibate men.  The difference is that they've chosen their way of life, and I haven't.  They've consecrated their bodies to God, and I spend my time and energy wondering how to be thankful for my lot in life.  I was miserable for the rest of the day.

I'll be staying here another day, and continue my Camino on the 10th.  I've liked the Camino immensely, but given the intense physicality of it - the pain, the exhaustion - I didn't think I'd yearn to continue walking instead of resting another day here.  And yet, here I am, wishing that I could continue walking tomorrow. Actually, I'm so restless in spirit that I could pack up my stuff right now and go.  But I can't.  I just can't.  I will instead spend tomorrow soul-searching and continue walking the next day.

I attended visperas and completas in the evening.  The Compline service at 9pm, honouring the blessed virgin Mary, is most beautiful.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have Mercy on me, a Sinner!

Rest at Zenarruza

I attended 4 of the (I think) possible 7 services today: Lauds, Eucharist, visperas (Vespers), and completas (Compline).  Just what I needed.

While the atmosphere here at the monastery is peaceful, it's not necessarily friendly.  Most of the monks are cordial, but they more or less keep to themselves.  For someone who is unawares of the monastic way of life this might seem cold, but having read a number of books on this topic, I know that their task is to fulfill their daily duties, and that they are not to get distracted, looking for "things to do" or "people to talk to".  

Still, I'd have liked it if one of them approached me to ask how I was doing or how my Camino was going.  To be fair, when I went inside the tienda where they sell religous art, books, and some of the stuff they make at the monastery, I did have a nice conversation with the attendant there.  He was surprised that someone from Canada wanted to stay in a monastery (they'd never had a pilgrim stay in the residence, only in the albergue), and he was even more surprised that I could converse with him in Spanish.

I also met 3 elderly ladies who are staying at the monastery.  We ate all meals together.  They told me they do this as a yearly "girls week away" from their busy lives.  I thought that's pretty cool, elderly women getting away for a spiritual retreat.

I've been reading through the gospel of Matthew since I began the Camino.  I read about 3 chapters a day.

I explored the grounds of the monastery today, and I'm coning to the conclusion that while I really enjoy the serenity of this place, I'm restless inside, and one or two days isn't enough time to work on myself.  What's ailing me?

Tomorrow I will continue on my journey towards Santiago.  I will take two buses, the first one to Bilbao, and the second one to Oviedo.  There I want to continue the Camino, and walk the entirety of the Camino Primitivo.