Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Running On Empty

Lately I feel distant from God. I'm not completely sure why, but spiritually I feel like I'm in a desert, not a fountain of fresh water. I've been feeling like this for a few weeks, if not months. There is not just one reason for this feeling of emptiness. There are a few, and I need to start sorting these things out. Perhaps I'm not listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit talking to me. My prayer time is struggling; and my devotions are almost non-existent.

At the same time, I'm reading lots about resting, and what it means to rest in God. "In meditation", says Thomas Merton, "we should not look for a 'method' or 'system', but cultivate an 'attitude', an 'outlook': faith, openness, attention, reverence, expectation, supplication, trust, joy. All of these finally permeate our being with love in so far as our living faith tells us we are in the presence of God, that we live in Chirst, that in the Spirit of God we 'see' God our Father without 'seeing'. We know him in 'unknowing'. Faith is the bond that unites us to him in the Spirit who gives us light and love."

I must say that Merton's words strike a chord with me. Even though I feel like I'm in a desert right now, it's faith that's pulling me through. I know that God is working in me, transforming, purifying, sanctifying me. I'm not looking for a method of getting closer to God. It's God's continued gift of 'attitude', or faith, that sustains me.

I feel empty. Yet, I know that this is a good thing, because God's Spirit can only fill us if we're empty. If we're full (of ourselves), there's no room for the Spirit.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Feeling Disconnected

Yesterday AEK & I went to a bbq put on by my boss from work. He invited our department along with our significant others/spouses to his beautiful house in Port Moody, for an afternoon of food and conversation. He picked a good day, because it was gloriously sunny, probably close to 30C.

The event went fine. Everyone brought some food and drinks. Conversations went well. No complaints.

But it struck me again, as it has so many times before, how disconnected and out of place I feel with the "unchurched." We speak differently about the world, we have different values, different priorities, a different worldview. Actually, when I think about it, we speak a totally different language!!!

While it's normal to meet people from different walks of life everyday, it strikes me as odd that it would make me feel out of place. I claim that my faith frees me to love others, binding hatred, and loosening the chains of distrust and prejudice, yet I often catch myself, deep, very deep within, judging and mistrusting others. This is nothing other than self-righteous egotism.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm no better than anyone else is. In some areas I might be better, in others I may be worse. Yes, my coworkers live lives of preoccupation: money, career, status, popularity, and power. But often times I'm equally preoccupied: 'right living', 'morality', 'goodness', and 'holiness'. Yes, they do not give God glory for all the blessings he bestows upon them. But when I give God "glory" it's often times an act - an exercise of self-affirmation, not true piety. Yes, my coworkers live lives of idolatry. But I have my own idols to cast out.

In the end, I'm wretched and sinful, like all of us are. I need God just as much as they do.

I need to learn to love others regardless of their worldview. I need to continue sowing "kingdom values". I need to love all that is good, and hate all that is evil. Furthermore, hating evil does not imply hating the person who commits evil. Persons are not evil - all of us bear resemblance to our loving creator. But persons commit evil acts, and these acts are what we reject. But regardless of what my coworkers believe, whether they're right or wrong about this or that, I ought to always act ouf of love.

God loves every last one of us, and so must I. If I don't, I'm proved a crook. A fake. Ungenuine. A liar.

I can't love others out of my own strength. This sort of strength comes from outside me. It comes from God.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Burning Questions

Last night was the first night of our Christianity Explored course at church. We had over 30 visitors. After a wonderful teriyaki chicken, rice, & salad meal, and watching the introductory video session, we went into our small group discussions, and asked participants to share their burning questions. Here are the responses we received:

* What is my purpose here on earth? Why do I exist? How should I live my life?
* If God is love, why do I feel so unloved? Why am I so lonely? Why doesn't God communicate?
* If Jesus Christ is God, and if he's relational, how do I get to know him?
* Jesus Christ lived a good moral life. Why does that make him God?
* How/why is Jesus Christ relevant to my life today?
* How does faith work? Is it up to me to get it, or is it something that comes from God?

I was humbled and encouraged by these excellent questions. Over the next six weeks we will be studying the gospel of Mark together. Lord, open our hearts and minds to receive you.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Feeling Helpless?

Poor guy.

The power went out at work today. Computers went down, the place went dark, emergency lights came on. Everyone got up and out of their office/cubicle and congregated, wondering what happened.

I took the opportunity to go to the washroom and relieve myself. Lo and behold, there was a guy there, sitting on the throne, in the dark. Well, it wasn't entirely dark, because the emergency lights were on in the washroom too.

He asked: "What's happening out there? Why all this darkness? Why all the noise?" I say: "Power's out." He goes on, "I can't believe this! This is the second time I've been stuck on the can during a power outage! The last time was about 10 years ago, when an earthquake hit, and the entire washroom went dark. Well, at least today the emergency lights came on. Last time, I was completely in the dark!"

Sunday, May 22, 2005

A Few Changes

I've decided to make a few changes and expand my weblog a little. Here are the details of the changes:

First of all, I've made a cosmetic change by changing the 'saying of the month' to 'seeds of growth'. The reason for this is that the original heading was inaccurate, since I don't update it every month!! Secondly, 'seeds of growth' seems more accurate in terms of describing what I'm trying to accomplish. Essentially, these postings are designed to foster thought, contemplation, prayer, and spiritual growth. Most of the sayings I post are direct quotes from speeches or writings of some of the 'spiritual giants' of the Christian faith: men and women who devoted themselves to serve God. There is amazing wisdom in history, and tragically, the church has largely disregarded and forgotten this. The result of this is a sort of amnesia, a forgetfulness of the rich heritage of the Christian faith, and a subsequent shallowness to the way we apply our faith presently. 'Seeds of growth' is my small effort to enourage us to recover a lost tradition. May it serve to honour and glorify God.

I've also created a separate weblog, called cubsseeds, to capture past seeds of growth. This link is placed at the top of the list of options in the 'links' section of cubscorner. Similarly, from cubsseeds you can return to cubscorner by clicking on the cubscorner link.

Finally, I'm thinking of creating a space to place other seeds of growth: book reviews, theological tidbits I pick up here or there, movie reviews, class notes, and so on. To achieve this, I may create yet another weblog, or I may just use cubsseeds as the forum. More details on this yet to come....

As always, your thoughts, opinions, and comments are welcome.

Peace,
cub

Friday, May 20, 2005

Haarspangen

Two weeks ago yesterday she left our city to go and visit her family. Before she left, I stole a few Haarspangen, so that I would have something of hers while she's away. I'm so clever.

Haarspangen

Every now and then I took them and inhaled the lingering smell of her hair. At first the smell was quite rich. Then it faded away gradually. Now, it's gone, completely.

As it escaped, my desire for her increased. The desire to see, hear, smell, and talk to her; the desire to see her smile, and hear her laugh; the desire to hold her hand; the desire to be with her.

This afternoon she arrives back home. I can't wait to pick her up from the airport.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Just Another Day

Today I was reminded how blessed we are, living in a nation like Canada.

Yesterday we had Provincial Elections, and over the past 5 weeks we've heard all the candidates tooting their own horn, criticizing and vilifying others. We've heard how good the 'abc' party is, and how bad 'xyz' is.

This morning, after all was said and done and a new government was voted in (well, in our case, not really), we go on with our lives as though nothing happened yesterday. We go to work, go to lunch, buy groceries, play sports, as though it's just another day.

How lucky we are to be able to live in a place where people's opinions matter. People are respected. In many ways I hate democracy, especially the way it's practised in Canada: the minority rule the majority, laws are lax, and the word "tolerance" nowadays has the same meaning as "acceptance". Give me a benevolent dictator over democracy .. anyday.

But still, I'm amazed that on a day like today we can all just get out of bed and continue life as though nothing imortant happened yesterday. In many countries, people would die on election nights. Tempers flare. Anger spills out into the streets. Military "preserves" the peace. Buildings are bombed. People die.

We? We get up the next day, shower, and go to work. Today's a day like any other day.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Exhibit A

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by my absent-mindedness:

8:15am - Go out to my car, to go to work. As I approach my car, I realize that my car insurance ran out yesterday. Problem: No insurance, no transportation to work. Damn!

8:25 - Walk to the nearest insurance agent to renew my insurance. Problem: they don't open until 9.

8:30 - Since I can't do anything until I get my insurance renewed, I go buy a coffee and wait for the office to open.

9 - Insurance agent opens. I go inside.

9:05 - Realize that I have to go through AirCare. Problem: I can't go through AirCare because I have no car insurance. Insurance agent assures me that it's ok, because I can buy a 1 day insurance. Cost: $32.

9:30 - Purchase a temporary insurance.

9:45 - Go through AirCare. Cost: $48.

10:30 - Arrive at work.

12:30pm - Go to mall to renew insurance. Cost: $1274.

2 - Regular day resumes.

Result: In the end, I lost three hours of work ($90), plus I had to buy a one day insurance which I otherwise would not have needed ($32). Therefore, the cost of absent-mindedness this morning: $122.

Solution: be ahead-minded. think. plan. use the numerous day planners lying around my apartment. sell the car!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Oh no...

...I saw a woman today. She took my breath away. Stunningly beautiful .. and she had the voice of an angel.

Will I ever be content?

Evangelism Re-Explored

Today I attended a conference on Evangelism – sharing the good news of Jesus Christ with a lost world. The conference was sponsored by our church, and led by the creators of the Christianity Explored course.

Here are some highlights of the conference:

Our application of Evangelism depends on our view of the following three points:
God’s Sovereignty – God is in charge of results, not us (thank God!) – II. Corinthians 4:1, 4, 6.
Gospel Integrity – we preach Christ as Lord – II Corinthians 4:5.
Our Creativity – we set forth the truth plainly - II Corinthians 4:1-2.

The course consists of a 10 week study of the gospel of Mark. According to Rico Tice, by studying the gospel, rather than us speaking for Jesus, “we let Jesus’ words speak for themselves.” Essentially, the gospel of Mark is summarized in Mark 8:30-37.

It addresses the following three questions:
Who is Jesus? (Identity) – Mark 8:27-30. Jesus is the Christ; the Holy One predicted by the prophets, sent by the Father.
Why did he come? (Mission) – Mark 8:31-33. Jesus came to suffer, be rejected, be killed, and rise again. This, in order to bridge the separation caused by our sin against God. This, in order to reconcile the created order to the creator.
What does this mean for us? (Call) – Mark 8:34-38. Deny ourselves and take up our cross, so that when we stand in the Father’s glory, Christ will not be ashamed of us.

Overall I was impressed with the conference. Often times we get quite preoccupied with the finer details of our faith, and while that is good and necessary, it ought not to happen at the expense of Evangelism. Our raison d’etre is Evangelism: God the Father was the first Evangelist, by sending his Son. Godliness, therefore, implies Evangelism.

My favourite quote of the day: “God’s wrath is proof of his love.” This was quoted in reference to someone who doubts God’s goodness. We know that God will one day judge all evil, and that, is a good thing. To do otherwise would be evil.

-------------------

PS - I did encounter the pitbull again. She was a very good speaker, and I did not encounter any more personality battles.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Finally ..

.. a few hours of rest!!! I worked 40+ hours in four days this week, and today I finally got a day to rest. Well .. sort of.

In the morning I went to church to help setup for tomorrow's conference. Everything went as planned until this girl (one of the conference speakers no less!) with the personality of a pitbull appeared and decided she didn't like the way we set things up, and decided to take matters into her own hands. She totally changed the layout: Chairs, tables, everything had to be shuffled around to her exact liking. The conference organizer, my dear friend JE and I looked at each other in a combination of disbelief, frustration, bewilderment, and anger.

What is it with people who just come in and think they know best? They act like God gave them a revelation in their sleep overnight, and any idea contrary to their own must surely be of the devil. I was so pissed off .. que barbaro!

Oh yeah .. I was going to talk about resting.

After the setup was finished at around 1:30pm, I went home. I was supposed to meet with GO who is visiting from Edmonton for coffee, but that didn't work out. So instead, I took a nap. A good nap. An excellent nap. The kind of nap that defines resting, or siesta.

At 5:30pm I got up and prepared a newly learned recipe - yes, it's hers - for a black bean soup. So yummy. Maybe I'll post the recipe sometime. Anyways, after putting all the ingredients in the saucepan, I let it simmer while going to the breadstore to pick up some bread.

Yummy bread...
Yummy bread...

Right now it's just after dinner time. For the next hour or so I will sit back and relax.

Later on this evening I will do some reading. I will go to bed early though, because tomorrow's a long day, and I have to be at the church by 8am. It's going to be a long day not only because of the conference, but because I have a feeling I'll have to deal with the pitbull again, and I'll need all the energy available for that.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Those Were The Days

Over the past few days I've worked a lot, not the school kind of work .. but the regular kind of work. You know .. the kind that pays money!

It's brought back a lot of memories of my days at Glenayre and 360networks. My gosh .. that seems like such a long time ago!

SW, RG, KC, Cub, DC, & AL
Cheers

My fondest memories of work are at Glenayre. The HR department there was so much fun: lunch discussions (gossip!) were the greatest, our team chemistry was superb, and we stuck together like glue - through thick and through thin. I am still in touch with three people, and they are still very dear to my heart: LS, FM, MB, and GO.

Cub opening his going-away present:
Gifts

I dug through some old pics tonight, and I found some that I'm going to post here. They were taken at Earl's, at my going-away dinner. Looking at them made me feel quite nostalgic .. it was a time of blessing indeed.

Lord, thank you for the many blessings you bestow upon us. Thank you for meaningful tasks and friends that we can explore and enjoy through work. They both add to the richness of life. I pray for a special blessing upon my co-workers: present and past. May your grace shine upon them.

Cub eating Chocolate Mousse for dessert:
Tiramisu

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Lost And Found: A Prayer

Loving Father,

We thank you for speaking to us tonight through the parable of the prodigal son, and for opening our hearts and minds to the reality that like the son(s), we turn away from your embracing love.

We choose instead to fulfill our own desires. We neglect your goodness, we take for granted your blessings, and we misuse the many things you have entrusted to us. We are captivated by the temporary pleasures of this world, lured by wealth and comfort. We live preoccupied lives, distant and isolated from one another and you.

We praise you loving Father, for even though we walk away from you in selfishness and pride, you await us, your children, with open arms. You do not distance yourself from us, but you reach out to us and to all of your creation through Jesus Christ, who lived, died, and rose again, so that we might be reconciled to you. We were once dead, but are now alive; we were once lost, but are now found.

Holy Spirit,

Guide our hearts, our minds, and our entire beings towards your message of love and reconciliation through Jesus Christ. Comfort and heal our brokenness and loneliness. Turn us away from our selfish and preoccupied lives, and towards joy and fulfillment. Lift us out of darkness and confusion, into your clear, warm, and beautiful light. Counsel us away from deception; straighten our paths. Open our hearts, and give us faith to entrust control of our lives to Jesus.

Lord in your mercy, hear our prayer.

We pray for the events at our parish this upcoming week. Father, strengthen and sustain the speakers, the organizers, and those who have offered time and service. Enable us to love one another, show genuine hospitality to our visitors, and provide a safe space for everyone to encounter your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord, in your mercy, hear our prayer.

Finally, on this Mother’s Day we give thanks for all the mothers who diligently, faithfully, and lovingly serve their families. Bless them, encourage them, and grant them peace of heart and mind in all their tasks, whether in the marketplace or at home.

We pray these things in a spirit of thanksgiving; worshipping, praising, and adoring you, loving Father, precious Son, and Holy Spirit.

Amen.

_____

Evening Service Prayer at St. John’s Church, based on a sermon by Rico Tice: Lost and Found: Where are You? (Luke 15:11-32).

Friday, May 06, 2005

Mother's Day Weekend

Plans for the weekend:

Friday Night
* nuthin' .. worked until almost 9pm

Saturday
* Haircut
* Breakfast, yerba mate, and prayer with RS
* Hike the Grind
* Read / Clean up / Rest

Sunday
* Devotions
* Church with mom & dad
* Mother's Day Lunch
* Prepare for Evening Service Prayer
* Church

Tired And Undecided

I'm feeling so tired lately .. it's no fun.

Classes finished almost 3 weeks ago, and I really thought I'd have time to slow down a little and recover from 4 hard months of school, but it seems the opposite has happened. I'm so busy at work I can't keep up with it all.

Haha .. I'm supposed to be doing research on the theology of Sabbath-keeping, yet I sepnd all day working.

The past few weeks have been stressful too because I'm feeling pressure to make a decision regarding her. I'm torn. She's so good to/for me, yet, I'm still undecided as to if/how to go forward. Poor girl. She cried yesterday after we started talking things through. I've only seen her crying one other time, I think it was the second or third time we went out. She's such a strong person. Sometimes I'm actually intimidated by her inner strength.

Why am I so hesitant?

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy.