Pressure

I don't quite get why there's such a strong need on the part of (many) women for immediate commitment!

I've known her for all of 2 weeks, met her once in person, and now the relevant question all of the sudden is "So ... are we a couple"?

Gimme a break.

Is there no place for truly getting to know another person without using the language of "couple"?  True, am I in this for real or for fun, fair enough, good question, but ... are we couple?

Sigh.

Maybe I'm off my rocker but I don't think so.....

3 Days In The Peg

Friday:

I left the Jaw on a cold and windy morning, full of anticipation, arriving in Winnipeg mid-afternoon.  After checking in to my room, I showered, and plunked myself on the bed for a good one-hour nap.

Around 6:30pm I went to visit her.  I was quite nervous, but relieved to find out that she was equally nervous.  Our first meeting was very special....  Her real life smile is as great as it is in pictures.  She wore a black dress.

We (mostly she) cooked a wonderful meal, followed by an amazing chocolate ganache torte she'd prepared.  She's an amazing cook indeed.  Afterwards we parked ourselves on the couch and spent time getting to know each other.  It was a late night.

Saturday:

I returned to her place by around 9 in the morning.  We made breakfast - apple crisp and fruits - and we also attempted to make pumpkin bread.  I say attempted, because there was a hitch.  I was the dry ingredient mixer.  Easy, right?  Right.  Except, I put in baking soda instead of baking powder.  The result, nice and crispy bread on the outside, but sticky and gooey on the inside.  Ooops.

In the afternoon we went to what will likely be one of the most uniting factors for us, should our relationship continue to blossom: MEC.  I bought some gloves there.  We also went shopping at a big mall along Portage.

In the evening we ate dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant.  We stayed up late.

Sunday:

I checked out of my room by 8:30, and drove over to her place.  After finishing up the rest of the apple crisp for breakfast, we took her dog for a walk.  She lives in a nice neighbourhood, Wolseley.  Upon returrning to her place we parked ourselves on the couch and read to each other.  I read Kathleen Norris.  She read Lauren Winner.

I left Winnipeg around 4pm, arriving back to Moose Jaw around 11pm.

It was such a great weekend.  We took some pictures.  I can't post them here, but they communicate mutual joy.

Going For A Drive

Talked on the phone with gingersnap today.  It was like talking to an angel.  We must've talked for close to 3 hours.

I'm going for a drive this upcoming weekend.  A long drive.  Like, 7 hours long, one way.

Leaving for Winnipeg Friday night, and returning Sunday night.

44

Today I turned 44.  Happy birthday, Neudorf!

Work is miserable.  I can't trust my staff member, and my boss think he can trust me.  It's a disaster.  Pressure is at a level I've never experienced before at work.  Relentless.  Suddenly I wish everyday was Saturday or Sunday.

But on the personal side, things are altogether different, magical.  She's like an opium drug that numbs my mind from work pain.  She's like a cool balm that subdues the heat of a bad burn.

Had a two-hour conversation with gingersnap on the phone.

Got some birthday cards from family.

A few congrats from coworkers, maybe 1 or 2.

My friend David emailed me.  I'm a horrible friend; haven't been in touch with him since he got married in July.

Other than that, a quiet day.

More Ginger

So she replied to my reply.

We exchanged skype addresses, and began skyping.

Not long afterwards we exchanged phone numbers, and began texting back and forth.  And back and forth.  And back and forth.  For hours.

Then, today, we talked on the phone, for hours.

What's going on?

I'm filled with refreshing enthusiasm and optimism.  Just like that.  Peace.

It just took a picture of a girl with a lovely smile, that's all.

Winter Gear

I went to a ski swap today, but sadly, I just didn't know enough about cross country skiing to know what kind of equipment I need, never mind discerning what's a good deal and what isn't.

After the disappointment of walking out empty-handed, I went to a local sporting goods store, and bought myself some snowshoes.  They look great.

I also asked a ton of questions regarding ski equipment, and ordered some skis.

No more excuses for remaining indoors on a cold day in the prairies.  Let  it snow...

Gingersnap

I tried online dating for the first time over 10 years ago, in 2002.

I've always been perplexed by the idea of meeting someone online: chatting with someone halfway around the world, even though there's a pretty girl living next door.  But somehow, this online dating thing seems to work.  Over the years, I've met some interesting girls this way, from many places.  Brasil.  Singapore.  US.  Peru.  Lebanon.  Canada.

Well, earlier this week I received a note from a girl in Winnipeg.  Of all places...  

In her note, she talked about the Camino.  Talk about knowing where my soft spot is....

She calls herself gingersnap.  Cute.  Very cute.  Lovely smile.  Likes the outdoors.  Snowshoeing.  Lived overseas.  A reader.

I replied.

Doubt

St. Hildegard's prayers just have a way of cutting through to the heart of the matter.  This one's taken from her book Scivias, and has the look, feel, and sound of a Psalm!

O God, have you not created me?

The wretchedness of earth presses down upon me!

And so I must flee and hide myself from you like Adam.

My sinful life wants to know nothing about you.

I doubt in a sense of justice;

the battle robs me of all happiness.

Do I even know if God exists?

Where is then my King and God?

Over this past year my troubles have been relational.  These troubles have settled somewhat, and I've gained a measure of peace, but just when the horizon seemed to be clearing, more dark clouds emerged.

Work is extremely hard these days.  I feel pressure mounting, and doubt is once again invading my life.

More On Repentance...

Yesterday I wrote briefly about the connection between repentance and healing, relating mostly my own thoughts about it, and ending with a prayer of Hildegard von Bingen's.  

I want to elaborate a little more on this theme, but specifically, what Hildegard von Bingen says about it.  I'm reading Walburga Storch's booklet, Prayers of Hildegard of Bingen, at the moment, and in the introduction, Storch outlines Hildegard's basic view of repentance and healing.

God's stance towards us is one of conciliatory healing: "'For I will unconditionally receive at once, and deliver into freedom the one who has sinned'", says Jesus to us, according to Hildegard.  Jesus actually offers to suffer with us in our brokenness, seeing it as the way to obtain union with God: "'Show me the wounds of your heart.  I want to suffer with you in your wounds and in doing so give you communion with the Father.'"  Jesus' willingness to suffer alongside us displays God's vulnerability; not a distant vulnerability, but one that's epitomized most clearly in Christ's own suffering on the cross.  His suffering forever reveals God's stance towards us as one of reconciliation.  Repentance is therefore at the forefront of Hildegard's theology of both, physical and spiritual healing.  Storch continues, "Without it, every kind of healing only treats the symptoms."

Furthermore, God's reconciling stance towards us shows that far from wanting to throw guilt and fear at us, God wishes to free us from both!  The implications are not only personal, but cosmic: "Repentance is not only a healing power, but the structure of the entire world rests upon its pillars.  It intervenes in the processes of life, moving and changing history and the cosmos, for with it 'we touch the stars.'  Through repentance God brings home creation poisoned by the error of humanity."

The missing link that completes Hildegard's theology is the human link.  We know God's redemptive role, but what is ours?  Our role is honesty.  God's healing work is only as effective as our willingness is to receive healing.  When we openly admit our errors, we show ourselves to be willing participants in the healing process.  When we come to God in repentance, we are made well not so much because we are the smarter or wiser for confessing our wrongdoing, but because we showed ourselves to be willing participants in moving towards God.

Repentance And Healing

Is there a connection between repentance and healing?

Last week when I met with my spiritual director, it dawned on me in a new way that yes, there does seem to be a connection between the two.  The way this came to the forefront is by wondering out loud how long the healing process takes, and more than that, God's seeming silence on this journey.

But after pondering these things out loud, it immediately dawned on me that while I share my thoughts with God frequently (see this post), I do not spend a lot of time actively searching my heart for sins of "commission or omission".  I give little thought to repentance.

Perhaps this is a natural product of living in a culture that praises self-help, self-sufficiency, and most of all, the goodness of humanity.  But, how does this theology affect healing, or the lack thereof?  Does God heal us when we only proclaim to him our goodness?

Today, while reading Prayers of Hildegard of Bingen (edited by Walburga Storch), the prayer below jumped out at me.  It's one of a number of prayers in which Hildegard connects repentance and healing:

O where have I come from,

and what am I doing now?

In my lamentation I groan out to you, O God,

because I have tainted my understanding of you

with the impurity of sin.

Have mercy on me, O Lord,

for I have stained my soul with sin.

Heal the welts of my wounds,

for I have sinned against you.

Teach me more and more my God,

to carry out holy, good deeds,

so that my confused soul

can experience healing through you.