Quiet Prairie Easter

This year's Easter weekend was a rather quiet time for me.

I attended the morning service at St. Aidan on Good Friday.

Then on Saturday evening I attended the Vigil at St. Joseph's.

Finally, on Sunday morning I went to St. Aidan's Easter celebration.  I love the welcoming words of Easter Sunday mornings:

Minister: Christ is Risen!

All: He is Risen Indeed!

Sunday morning I was pleasantly surprised to hear church bells ringing on my way to church.  It reminded me of Europe.

Psalm 145: Praise God!

I learned a few years ago that a good strategy for a speaker to get the attention of his listeners is to “hook” them into the talk, into the sermon, so what I’m going to do to get your attention is tell a joke.  It's a joke about relationships, so it's entirely appropriate for this occasion here today...

Here goes:

A husband and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

“If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?” he asked his wife.

She replied, “You.”

Apparently he didn’t get the memo: she’s not as excited about moving to Alaska as he is....


Introduction

Some of you may have heard of St. Augustine. Augustine was a Christian who lived in the 5th century, and he is known for a very beautiful quote. He said the following:

“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” it’s a wonderful truth: “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

This is a simple yet hard truth. We go through our lives searching for meaning, searching for something, someone, to complete us and bring fulfillment. And when we don’t find it, we become restless. The culture that we live in has a couple of answers for this restlessness, but the one that we perhaps encounter most often is to keep ourselves busy. We are told to do more, to be more, to buy more, to accomplish more, and on and on the list goes. In the end, though, our hearts remain restless. Until they meet God.

“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

We are made to admire, we are created to adore, we are created to be in awe of something, someone bigger than us, and according to the reading that we just heard, the Lord is the answer to our quest. Look no further. “Praise God. For he is great. For he is good. Let everyone praise the Lord.”

That’s how I would summarize our reading: I will praise God! For he is great! For he is good! Let everyone praise the Lord!

There are two points I’d like to briefly highlight with you today: the greatness of God, and the goodness of God. At the end I will try to put these two into the context of God’s kingdom, because it seems to me that this is what David had in mind hen he wrote the Psalm, but let me begin by focusing on the two points of the Psalm:

God’s greatness. And God’s goodness.


The Lord is Great
God’s greatness - his grandeur - is evident in the comprehensiveness of the world that we see and experience around us. God’s glory is revealed in creation: From the vast skies to the immense ocean; from the massive mountains to the still and serene prairies, from the jungles to the desert to the arctic, all of these places reveal to us the greatness of God. And this is just planet earth.

The place we call earth is a tiny planet, a speck, inside the Milky Way galaxy. So small is the earth, it can fit into the sun 960,000 times, and the sun is only one of hundreds of billions of stars in our galaxy. And that’s just one galaxy, our galaxy. I understand that as of today, there are around 100 billion galaxies. So, our galaxy is but a small neighbourhood, a “cul-de-sac” in the known cosmos.

This is the God that David is talking about in Psalm 145. I hope we get an idea about the vastness of God.

Let me continue.

Have you ever noticed how reliable the world that we live in is? Everything is ordered according to the seasons of the year, according to the seasons of life, according to the needs of the day. Nothing is left unchecked, unaccounted for. We experience the world as reliable, balanced, and generous. There is a regularity to the world - the sun comes up every morning (well not here on the west coast, but in pretty much the rest of the world it does), and goes down every night - an order that we can trust, and this equilibrium, this coherence, is what our Psalm today celebrates.

I want to stop here briefly and include marriage, what we’re celebrating here today - 50 years of life together - as part of this created order. Marriage provides a stability in our society that no other institution can match.

I recently went on a long prayer walk in Spain, and I met a guy from Germany there while on the walk, and as we got to talking, he lamented his failed marriage. “I’ve already lost my wife. Now I’m afraid of losing my two daughters too. I love them both so much”, he said.

Stability. Mom and dad: we are the fruit of your love, and we are blessed to have been nurtured, raised, and cared for by you. Well, I think for the most part. I don’t know what happened to Melanie and Ted....

God reveals himself to us, he blesses us and speaks to us, through the world that he has made. And the right response to this experience of the world that we live in is one of praise and gratitude.

Something very interesting if not obvious to us who read the Psalm in English is that it was written in a very particular way in the original Hebrew. Every verse begins with a successive letter of the alphabet, in sequence, from A to Z (verse 1 begins with the letter A, verse 2 with the letter B, verse 3 with the letter C, and so on and so forth, until the last verse, which begins with the letter Z). It seems that David must have had something very particular in mind when he wrote it: What do you think David was trying to accomplish when he wrote it this way?

I think David was trying to communicate meaning, order and beauty in a praise poem. He wanted to let us know that God created the universe, and there’s nothing that he missed: from A to Z, it’s comprehensive, complete, orderly, amazing, and meaningful. The order in this Psalm is but a small reflection of the greater coherence of God’s creation. That’s why he begins with awestruck amazement: “I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever.” (145:1).

God is great.


The Lord is Good
The second point I’d like to make is that God is good. Here we are referring to God’s faithfulness and loyalty: the Lord is “gracious and merciful”, patient, and “abounding in steadfast love” (145:8).

God cares for all of his creation, but his attention is directed especially towards people, and even more particularly, the weak and the needy. “The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.” (145:14). The wording here is decisive and intentional: God’s heart breaks for those who are empty-handed, those who depend completely on Him.

I know that some people find this problematic: how can God love some more than others? But it’s not like that. God’s care for the vulnerable is similar to parents who pay special attention to one of their children when they are sick or when they need extra attention. They love all their children, but their hearts break for the ones who need it most. The difference is that we are flawed when we do it, but God isn’t. We don’t always see the full picture, but God always gets it right.

God cares for us, and he is near to us when we call upon him. In a world where the newspapers, tv, and the internet bombard us with messages of self-protection - fend for yourselves, look out for number one because it’s a dog-eat-dog world where only the fittest survive - God’s goodness confronts us with a radically different way of being, that of resting in him and asking him to provide for our needs.

He doesn’t promise to give us the perfect life - we’ve all experienced losses, I don’t want to take those for granted: but he does promise us a way through - not around, but through - difficulties. He asks us to trust him. He watches over us.

How blessed we have been in our family, when it comes to prayer! From a young age on, prayer has always been a part of our family life, and whenever I talk with my parents on the phone even now, they often end our conversations with “We always pray for you.” That’s a gift. And prayer is a part of our meals too: before a meal mom or dad usually says a few - sometimes many - words about what we’re celebrating, followed by a prayer...  What a blessing.

If you are down and out, wondering where you fit into this world: this is for you. If you have doubts and fears about your future: this is for you. If you have a past that haunts you and wont let you move forward: this is for you. If you’ve committed terrible mistakes and can’t forgive yourself: this is for you.

If your heart is restless, then know this: God is for you, not against you. God is for me. God is for us.


The Upside Down Kingdom
I’d like to now come back to the kingdom of God and then wrap things up. David describes his relationship with God as that of an admiring, awestruck servant in God’s kingdom: “I will [praise] you, my God and King. . . Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom...” (145:1, 13a).

Many years after this Psalm was written, we read in the gospel of Luke, that the angel Gabriel appeared to the virgin Mary and announced to her that she would conceive in her womb and bear a son, Jesus, and that the throne would be his, and he would reign forever, and of his kingdom there would be no end (Luke 1:31-33).

Mary, in complete spiritual poverty replied with the words that we all know: “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38). She too describes herself as his servant.

But what she said next is equally striking: “[God] has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate; he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent empty away.” (Luke 1:52-53). Compare these words with David’s words: “The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.” (145:14).

I don’t know if Mary had Psalm 145 on her lips when she responded the way she did, but her response seems to echo David here. The God of David - although he couldn’t have known it at the time - and the king that the angel Gabriel announced, converge in the person of Jesus Christ.

And the kingdom of God which David praises and looks forward to, is the same kingdom that Mary rejoices in at the annunciation. God’s everlasting kingdom is ushered in by Jesus Christ, and whenever our hearts are turned towards him, the kingdom of God is at work.

The unity of Scripture here is amazing. God’s greatness and his goodness reach their highest point in the person of Jesus Christ. He is the one who satisfies our restless hearts, because he is the one who made us, and because he is the one who now wants to renew our hearts and our minds, and in time, our bodies too. I think no one says it better than the apostle Paul.

Referring to Christ, he says, 6 “who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Phil 2:6-11).

Tomorrow is Palm Sunday, when we remember Jesus entering Jerusalem on the way to Golgotha. He rides on a donkey, and the people, crowding along the side of the road, wanting to get a glimpse of him, they shout out loud, rejoicing and praising God for the mighty works that they had seen: “Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord!” (Luke 19:36-38).

In the coming week we will journey through the Passion of Christ together: the Last Supper, the crucifixion, Christ’s death, and then finally, his resurrection.

My prayer is that this Easter would be a time when we can reflect on the glorious majesty, and the humble goodness of God. May our hearts find rest in him: Praise God. For he is good. For he is great. Let everyone praise the Lord.

Amen.

-----

This was my homily for this past weekend's 50th wedding anniversary of my parents. I hope that even in a small measure, their love for each other and God was kindled.

Questionmarks

I didn't go to church in the morning.  I've said my good-byes to my faith community here.  Instead, I hiked up the BCMC trail with my good friend Shane.  We always have good conversations that spark life within us, even though our tales often include elements of heartbreak and loss.

After the hike I returned to Abbotsford for a late lunch with family.  We reminisced about yesterday's anniversary celebration.  Mom kept saying how well I spoke, but she said it so often that I think she's trying to lift my animo.  She's definitely overcompensating.

Late afternoon I drove back to Vancouver and met up with Jennifer.  More bittersweet moments.  More joy mixed in with angst and uncertainty.

How I've missed her.  We got caught up on our lives, our journeys (literal and figurative).  We ate dinner at, where else, Al Watan.  We went for a long walk, from her apartment all the way around False Creek and then across the Cambie Street bridge and back to her apartment.  Throughout the evening, and especially during the walk, I did much talking.  I expressed my thoughts and ambitions to her clearly.

I know that she's not much of a talker.  That's what's so attractive about her.  She remained true to her character.  But this time around, her silence was different.  I wonder if it signified a more profound distance, a more pronounced alienation.

Tomorrow I return to Moose Jaw.  My heart is at peace currently, but I know that I will be anxious tomorrow come fly-time.

I'm not sure when we will see each other again.

50 Years!

In the morning I managed to hike the BCMC (much to the chigrin of my worrisome mother: "You'll get injured", "You wont make it back in time for the celebration", etc etc...).

At 11am I had a haircut appointment.

Everything went according to plan.

Then at 4pm, the celebration started: 50 years of mom and dad.  The Lord is Great!

The program went off without too many glitches.  Come to think of it, there were no major glitches whatsoever.  Perhaps a shortage of humour (thanks to Dylan and Natasha there was a little humour anyways), perhaps a few off key musical pieces, but that's normal.

I spoke on Psalm 145, "The Lord is Great".  I have to admit, I'm questioning my suitability for speaking on this text.  I'm in a dark place personally, and wish I could "feel" more of the greatness of the Lord.  I "know" it cerebrally, but I don't "feel" it, at least not lately.  May the Lord have pity on me and lead me through this time.

But I'm so grateful for my parents.  They are an icon of the love of God for us: steady, unwavering, faithful, long-suffering, kind, generous, selfless, forgiving, loving.

Thank you Lord, for mom and dad.  I pray for their relationship.  May their love for each other continue to mirror the love that you have for us.  May their marriage continue to be a sacrament of your love for all, oh God.  Amen.

Made It .. Just Barely!

This morning at 7 I woke up to another 20 cms of new snow on the ground.  It wasn't looking good.  There's a local company that shuttles passengers to the Regina airport, I thought maybe they would have a way of getting there despite the road closures, but no luck.

8am came, nothing.  More snow.  High winds.  Road closures everywhere.

9am, it stopped snowing.  Still, roads were closed.  I'm frantically studying maps, weather forecasts, news reports.

10am, still no news.  My flight is at 2pm.

10:20, and highway 1 opens, according to a local website.

I bundle up, grab all my stuff and race out the door.  Snow everywhere.  It took me about 15 minutes to "unearth" my car, but I eventually make it on the road.

Below are some of the scenes I encountered on my one-and-a-quarter-hour trip into the city.  At first, a jam-packed caravan along the highway.  Then, the separation of the sheep (slow drivers) and the goats (crazy drivers).  I rarely side with the slowpokes.  This time I did.

There was a fierce wind throughout the drive.  Visibility was not good at all.

Stranded cars and semis all along the highway.

Alas, here I am, in balmy Abbotsford.  The weather was a warm +9.  Cloudy, with the sun breaking in. 

Ralph and dad picked me up from the airport.  Great to see them both.

Tonight I just hung out with mom and dad.

Tomorrow I want to hike the Grouse Grind early in the morning, then get a haircut, before returning to Abbotsford for the anniversary.  I'm going to be speaking at it, on Psalm 145: Great is the Lord!

Snowed In

I'm supposed to be in BC for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary this upcoming weekend, but we've had a(nother) massive snowfall overnight, so the highways are closed and I was unable to catch my flight.  It's been nothing but snow here since my arrival two months ago!

I had to call the airline and tell them I'm unable to get to the airport.  They were generous enough to reschedule it for me for tomorrow.  That is, assuming the highways will be open by then!

I'm not going to deny that I'm disappointed to have missed the flight.  I just hope that tomorrow the roads'll be open.

Main And High

Yesterday early afternoon, after going to the gym, I went around the city, taking pictures.  Blistering cold and windy, but worth it.

These pics are from Main and High St.

The second picture shows the sun going down in the distance.  5:38pm.

My favourite picture is the fourth one: a pub, right beside the church.  I'll have to check it out soon.  The pub, of course...

White Stuff

People will probably think that the title refers to drugs or something, but I hate to disappoint them (you).  I'm talking about something that gives me a better high: snow.  I just love the stuff.

Here's me outside my apartment.  My new car is also in the picture.  I'm loving my new Jetta.

 Below is the soccer field.  No soccer anytime soon.

However, good news: I discovered an indoor sports centre in town with amazing soccer facilities.  Not only soccer, but there's a walking track around the field, and there's a very fine fitness centre too.  Costs for single workouts are a bit steep, but hey, in this weather, I'm not going to complain about having to pay premium to work out indoors.

It's -20 out.  Snowy.  Windy.

More Wellwishes

Today's her birthday.

Last night I'd sent her a(nother) brief email.  Happy birthday.  Be well, be blessed.

By the time I woke up this morning she'd responded.  Also very brief.  Small talk.  Something about sharing pictures of our trip to Spain.

No thanks.

Wellwishes

Five days ago she returned from her trip around the world.  I sent her a very short welcoming email.  No response yet.

Hard days.  Extremely hard.  Soul pain is as painful, if not more so, than physical pain.  I'm convinced of it.

This morning I attended church.  Lovely liturgy.  Orthodox, too, which is hard to believe in the ACC.

On my way to church it was not snowing.  During church it was announced that a snowstorm would roll in any minute, and therefore, all evening services are cancelled.

Upon exiting, there was already 2cms of snow on the ground.  It must've started snowing pretty much as I arrived at church.

Being on foot, I eagerly walked through the main park of the city, thrilled with the fact that tiny little flakes of snow were all around me.  Bliss.  Lots of pictures.  Heaven.

And yet, upon arrival at home, boredom, sadness.  Crushing loneliness.

Still, the snow, as much as the liturgy of the church, lifted my spirit.

Be well, be blessed.

Making My New Home

Tuesday this week my belongings arrived from Vancouver.

So far everything I've unpacked is in good order.  Nothing broken.

But my apartment is much smaller with all my stuff in it.  The place is smaller than the apartment on West 10th.

Not sure how I'm going to fit it all in.  My new couch, especially, is massive.  And the new chair too, big.  What was I thinking?

A good week at my new job.  But I'm eating less, losing weight.

A New Journey

Today a new day in my vocational journey started.

Good start.  8am-4:30pm.  Meetings.  Introductions.  Visits.  Questions.  Organizing.  More introductions.  More visits.

Good people: coworkers and residents.

Affirmation.  Encouragement.  Confidence.  Meaning.  Fulfillment.

Lunch alone.  My choice.  My heart burns with pain.

Walked to and from work.  Crescent Park.  Beautiful.  Snowy.  -20.

Lonely.

Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have Mercy on me, a Sinner!

Driving Home

I love my new dashboard!

 

I left Saskatoon early this morning, around 7am, headed for my new home: Moose Jaw.  I arrived here around 10am, just in time to meet the internet/phone guy at my apartment.  By noon my connection was up and running.  Customer service in this country is amazing.

I left Saskatoon at the perfect time - in the dark - and I arrived in Moose Jaw also at the perfect time - broad, sunny daylight.  I hope this is a metaphor applicable to my life also, a movement from dark to light.

While driving, I saw the landscape transform.  First, my dasboard (and of course my headlights!) provided all the light, but then inklings of light appeared in the horizon ahead of me.  The sky all around me changed colours from black to dark blue and then to light blue and white.  And the various shades of blue were accompanied by dark reds, oranges, and yellows.

The prairies have a stark beauty to them.  Solitude.  Serenity.  Simplicity.  Silence.  Open.  Immense.   And yet, they also communicate an equally searching, if not troubling, quality.  Loneliness.  Longing.  Emptiness.  Struggle.  Overwhelming.  If I make these images analogous to my heart, I definitely fit more in the second set of descriptions.  At least now.  Hopefully Joy will find me here.

New Wheels

I decided for the gas model and not the diesel.

2008 VW Jetta Inline

80,000 Kms

Dark Grey

I drove it around town all day long today.

Am loving it.

Ate dinner at a Brazilian restaurant here in town.  Excellent food.  But more group-friendly.  Some restaurants have that feeling.

Yesterday's dinner experience was exactly the opposite.  Very average Pakistani food (admittedly, I'm comparing it to Al Watan!).  Great atmosphere for all.

Tomorrow I head for Moose Jaw.

Testdriving

I test drove two more cars today.  Both of them dark grey, gas, Inline models, with similar mileage.

One of them is for sale at the VW dealer, whereas the other is at a small mom-and-pop second hand auto dealer (the kind I tend to stay away from).

This time though, things may be different.  I wasn't impressed with the staff at the VW dealer in this city. Hard salesman.

So, it's either yesterday's diesel, or today's gas model from the second hand dealer.  I will sleep on it and decide tomorrow.

So Long Vancouver

At around 7am this morning I returned my Modo car to the 10th and Cambie parking lot, and then met my parents at my apartment.  I taped shut my plant boxes, walked around my apartment one last time, took a few pictures, gathered my belongings and packed the van, headed to the airport for my flight to Saskatoon.

My flight left shortly before noon.  I was in relatively good spirits, thankful that my parents took time to see me off.  Again, as I said a few days ago, what a privilege to be surrounded by family in times like these.

Upon my arrival in Sasakatoon I rented a van, loaded it with my belongings, and headed to the Best Western.  Much to my dismay, the base of 5 of the 9 planters that I brought along with me were broken into dozens of pieces.  I shoul've taken the time to pack them better but "thought they'd be ok".  Argh.

Late afternoon I set out on my search for a car.  Before coming here, I did a good amount of research for buying a VW Jetta in Saskatchewan.  I actually decided to fly into Saskatoon because this city has the most cars for sale.

I test drove a light blue 2008 diesel, with about 80,000 clicks.  Lots of scratches in the exterior, but man, what a nice drive.

Tomorrow I'm going to the VW dealer, to check out some other options.

A new development on subletting my apartment: late yesterday, my friends Ruth and Marty contacted me regarding renting the place.  After a few back and forth conversations with them and the landlord, we all came to agreement.  Praise God!  They will sublet my place for the next 2 years.

Milano, Fútbol, And A Sendoff

I'm going to miss Milano, my favourite coffee shop in the city.  I have a good number of memories of coming here alone or with others, before or after futbol, to read or write or think or all three.

This morning I went there one last time.

In the afternoon I played soccer with my fútbol friends.  Eight people came, including a few new players.  Just enough players to get a decent game going.

In the evening these same friends had a sendoff for me.

While I'm really not in a mood to celebrate anything nowadays, I'm grateful for their efforts in making my sendoff special.

The most important lesson I've learned from these great friends of mine is how to enjoy the simple pleasures of life: a good game of soccer, a glass of wine, a weekend get-together, a night of board games, a good movie, and on goes the list.

I sometimes get frustrated because the depth of conversations is not always to my liking, particularly when it comes to matters of the Divine and Providence.  On this matter our views digress, sometimes substantially, and that has been a challenge for me, having grown up and always lived around others with similar viewpoints.  Perhaps that's part of the reason God brought these wonderful souls into my life: to teach me tolerance, grace, to take me out of my theological shell, and ultimately, to grow my faith in Him.

So, I'm thankful for these great friends.  Their company has been a gift to me, over and over again.

Thank you Lord.  May they be on the receiving end of your Love, Grace, and Peace, always.

More Meals

More goodbye meals with friends.

For lunch I met James and Rosanna at our favourite lunch spot, Al Watan.  Unfortunately the pictures below don't reveal the extent of the feast that we enjoyed at the hands of Khalid.  He always treats us like royalty: thank you Khalid!  May God bless you!

James has been encouraging to speak to in the last few weeks.  Although we don't talk that often, I always get a supportive word or two from him.  I gave him a good number of my books that I don't watn to haul with me to Saskatchewan.  I also gave him a few plants to take care of.  We both have a strong sense of creation-care.

I'm going to miss James, and I'm going to miss Khalid too.  His hospitality is unequaled in Vancouver.

Earlier this week I got an email from some ex-coworkers, wanting to get together for dinner.  I hadn't seen most of them in 2-3 years, actually, so I was quite happy to meet up with them.  Gonnie, Fred and I met at Kalamata, near Granville St.

After dinner I went home and did some more packing.

M-Day

Today was the day when all the pondering, planning, and packing translated into action.  Sometime after 11 in the morning the movers came and without much fanfare began loading the container destined for the prairies.

I must've been visibly affected by the whole endeavour because at one point the crew foreman asked me how I was doing, he thought I was being very pensive.  Of course he was right, I was pensive.  Eleven years in one place; deciding to move in a relatively short timespan; the pain of leaving loved ones behind; the unknown of a new city, not to mention the risk of starting a new job.  These factors are all weighing on me.

I'm amazed at how easy some people find the whole moving business.  One of my friends, who lived in Tokyo and New York over the past 15 years and recently returned to the Lower Mainland, thought it strange that I used the word grieving to describe the process I'm in the middle of.  In her view the focus ought to be on what's ahead of me (the challenge, the next step, the way forward), not on what lay behind me (the memories, the experiences).

Perhaps I'm not as much an optimist as I thought, but at the same time, it seems strange to me to not mourn a move such as this one.  It seems to indicate a lack of attachment to place, for one, and this is something that I - even with all my complaints against my city - cannot stay clear of.  I have attachment to place, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

By 2pm the container was packed and gone.  The only items left were a suitcase of personal belongings, which I will take with me to Saskatoon.  I also still have my bike, a chair, and my phone, all of which I hope to sell in the next week or so.

I was unable to sublet my apartment.  This means that last night was the last time I slept in my apartment on 10th.

Lord, thank you for all the experiences - good and bad - of my stay here.  Bless the next person/s who will call this place their home.  Amen.

Family Help

I'm spending the majority of my days taking apart, sorting, labeling, and packing my belongings into boxes of various sizes.

Mom and dad have been such a blessing, comforting me each step of the way, encouraging me, prompting me, offering to help me wherever and whenever needed.

Last week Saturday mom came over and helped me pack.  Today also, she came.

This is a lesson for me, that when push comes to shove, when the road gets tough, it's family that provides the main support.  Family's been my lifeline.

This is a revelation of sorts, because for the past 5 years or so I've been strengthening ties with friends, thinking that they'd be the ones who'd be with me in times such as these, but no, it's been all family.

This is not a knock on friends: they have their lives to live, jobs to go to (I don't), and bills to pay.  But this is a statement on the importance of family, and particularly parents, when things are tough.

I hope that I can one day return the favour, even in a minutely significant way.

Bless my family Oh God.  Keep them safe in your loving hands.  Amen.

Tomorrow around 9am the moving trucks will come and haul my stuff away.  I don't expect to see my stuff again until around the 25th of the month.

In terms of my 30+ plants, it was really hard to do, but I decided to give most of them away, to family and friends.  I'm keeping 9 plants, and will be taking them with me on the plane.  At first mom thought this was a silly idea - and maybe it is - but seeing how attached I was to them she relented and supported me.

Start Date

I emailed a proposed start date of February 25th for my new job.

This means that I will in all likelihood fly out somewhere around the 20th or so.

I've been in touch with various moving companies.  It seems that the cost of moving will be in the $3,000-$3,500 range.

I've also begun packing.  My God, what a horrible burden, to put one's life into suitcases and boxes.  Have Mercy on me!

The thought of leaving pains me not only because of leaving family and friends behind, but also because I'll be leaving my wonderful apartment behind.

I think I found a nice apartment in my new city, but I don't think it'll be anywhere near as good as the place I've called home for the past 11 years.

Goodbye Meals

Aas I'm preparing for my move to central Canada I'm saying goodbye to people who to a greater or lesser degree have been part of my life.  They have all played a significant part in forming me into the person I am today.

So far I have met up with Juan and Juanita (snowshoeing), Ben, Glenn, Tom, David, Phil, Loretta, and Hugh.  Hugh I will see a few more times before leaving.

I still have visits planned with James and Rosanna, Missla, Clau and Hugh, Sandra, Mike B, and Connie.

I also hope to say a proper goodbye to my fùtbol friends, although admittedly, there's an added difficult element in saying goodbye to them.  It's just so strange not to have her as part of that group.

Driving Around

It's done.  Yesterday I signed the job offer papers, then met my new management coworkers.  I'm moving here sometime towards the end of February.

Today I spent the day driving around in my rental car.  I drove to Regina and saw Wascana Park and St. Albert St.  It's hard to gauge a place in such cold (-20) weather.  Very few people are out on foot, obviously; everyone goes about their business by car.

I also drove to a local lake, about 30kms away.  The lake's situated in a valley (hardly a valley in BC, but here any dip is a valley it seems, and any rise is a hill), and it was interesting to see the difference in landscape and vegetation at the lake.  Lots of trees, for one, something this part of the country lacks.  I also saw a herd of deer.  I felt like a bit of an ignoramus when I saw them, because I wondered "Don't they get cold in this temperature?"  Apparently not...

Driving here is quite different.  The roads are straight and flat.  The scenery is likewise, flat.  In the past I'd have been tempted to call the flatlands boring, but I think something's twisted in that description.  I guess I'll be exploring that thought in the coming weeks and months.

This week has been full of ups and downs.  Tuesday was devastating.  Wednesday was positive.  Thursday was again, depressing.  I can't shake her from my being.  I'm just so in love with her.  Friday began horribly when I found out that the apartment I'd hoped to rent was rented out from under my nose.  But 2 hours later I found an apartment that is in almost every way better than the previous one - Providence - and didn't hesitate to go for it.  Below is a picture of the building. It stems from the colonial era.  Today was good, because I was out and about (in addition to driving around I also went to the Warriors hockey game in the evening).

I'm tired, and watching tennis on tv. Tomorrow I fly back to Vancouver.

A Positive Day

I woke up around 7, and was out of the hotel by 7:30.  By 8:30 I was at my new workplace.

I had a number of meetings, with the CEO, with the Director of Care, and I even attended an Ethics meeting.  The overall image that I got from the organization - the people, the facility - is very positive.  Very encouraging.

I have a rental car, and so did do a bit of driving around the city.  It was substantially colder today, around -10ish.  Mid-afternoon it started snowing.  I like snow, it beats rain.

In the evening I once again went to the gym for a workout.  Afterwards I made the mistake of checking out the pool, not to swim, but just to see it.  I was immediately overwhelmed with a massive sadness: will I ever visit my best friend's pool again?

Other than that I also watched some Australian Open tennis.

Visiting The Prairies

About a week and a half ago my new employer called me and suggested that I come and visit my new workplace.  He rightly sensed that I'm massively conflicted about this move.

I accepted his offer, and am in the city that one street sign described as the "friendly city".  I arrived here earlier today.  The temperature is a mild +2, a bit unexpected.

My new boss picked me up from the airport, then we drove an hour to get here.  He gave me a quick tour by car, but it's hard to gauge what this place is really like.  It was dark by the time we got here.

I'm staying in a hotel.  Upon arrival here I was so conflicted that I broke down and wept.  I lay in my bed, numb.

I feel so spiritually low that I'm having a hard time even talking to God.  My spiritual radar is frozen.  I feel abandoned and stuck.  Words do not adequately express the desolation that I experience.

I did find the energy to go for a workout in the gym shortly after 9pm.  I walked 3kms on the treadmill.

Tomorrow morning at 8am I will visit my new workplace.

I will be here until Sunday.

No More Books

I've made the decision to buy no books in 2013, so today I went to the bookstore one last time (I promise!), and bought a few books.

I bought Adam: God's Beloved and Aging, both by Henri Nouwen, and Monopolizing Knowledge, by Ian Hutchinson.

The reason I've decided to fast from buying books is because I'm not sure I'm being faithful to my own convictions when I amass so many books on my shelf.  I have close to 300 of them, of which I've probably only read about 150.

I've been telling myself that buying books is "permissible" so long as I open my library to others.  In other words, others benefit from my books, and that's a good thing.  But I wonder if that cuts it.  There are other options.  The public library (not to mention the amazing local theological library) has these same books, I could get them from there, and so could others.  That would certainly save me a whack of money each year and make me a better steward of my financial resources.

Then there's the consumerism factor.  I, like most others, like to buy things.  Having so many unread books on my shelves surely points towards a consumerist tendency, doesn't it?  I mean, why else do I have so many books that I haven't read yet?  How is that different from buying a pair of shoes that "I might wear sometime", or a cd that would be "nice to have".  I think there's a theological double-standard at work here: collecting shoes is not ok, but collecting books is.

Finally, and this is the most important point, maybe buying books is more an expression of spiritual pride than serving my neighbour.  Let's call a spade a spade: it's nice to show others my theological library.  That, after all, tells them that "I'm spiritual" and "close to God".  Another lie from Woodworm...

So, according to my life vows - simplicity, moderation, balance, stability (commitment), change (continuous conversion - my rule of life, I need to get this area of my life under control.

So, no more books for the rest of 2013.  I promise...

A New Year .. A New Beginning

Early this morning, at 12:52am, I accepted the job offer (before they get second thoughts and play with me even more!).

Three minutes after accepting the offer I emailed my best friend to tell her of my decision.  I wrote: "It's a bittersweet decision for me.  On the one hand, it's an excellent opportunity.  It's a management position, with great opportunity for service, growth and learning.  On the other hand, I'm sad because I'm leaving family, friends, and a beautiful city (Grouse Mtn.) behind.  Most of all, I'm sad because I will miss your beautiful face, your warm friendship, and your lovely company."

Bittersweet.  An understatement.

Then, shortly after 1am I emailed the rest of my great and wonderful friends: "Hi friends.  I've decided to move to ... Saskatchewan, to take on a Pastoral Care position there at a health care facility.  As others.... can surely verify, moving brings with it bittersweet emotions: there's the challenge of new growth and learning; but there's also the pain (grieving!) of leaving loved ones behind.  I will surely miss all of you.

I am set to begin the new job in mid-February, but I hope to spend a good deal of time with you before I leave (preferably over a glass of wine and board games)!  Of course, family and friends still being here means that I will make a point of visiting this city as often as possible.

Before I leave I also hope to have a going away dinner, and would love it if you can come.  I will email you when that time comes.

Grace, Joy, and Peace to you all as we begin this new year."

Indeed, Grace, Joy, and Peace to all, Lord Jesus, beginning with me!

I've heard it said that the real Camino begins after the Camino in Spain is finished.  I think this sentiment is in the process of becoming a reality as we speak.

Lord, have Mercy on me.

Job Offer .. Let's Try This Again

I've never experienced anything like this before.

Three days ago I got a job offer, and then 3 hours later it was promptly withdrawn.  Confusion.

Immediately afterwards I called and left a VM for Francis: "What's going on?"

This morning he returned my call.

He couldn't believe what had happened (the original offer didn't come from him) and proceeded to tell me step-by-step the sequence of events.  It's a comedy of errors, truthfully, which I shall not repeat here.

But the offer is back on the table.

And the crazy thing is, I'm going to accept it.  I have to.  I see Providence all over this scenario.

I will likely move to the prairies in mid-February, and begin work a week or two after that.

I'm so torn I can't even put words to it.  It's such a bittersweet scenario, at once, both, the best and the worst possible scenario.  Vocationally, this move may be the one I've been looking for and preparing for: finally, the last 15 years make sense!  But personally, this move represents a(nother) massive failure relationally.

Job Offer .. Or Maybe Not

7:31am this morning: I got a job offer via email, to fill the Spiritual Care position I've mentioned over the past few weeks, Dec. 11th and Dec. 21st.

8:25am: I wake up.

8:29am: I read the job offer email.  Ecstatic.

8:31am: another email comes in.  It states that my job offer is withdrawn.  Apparently another applicant has accepted the offer.  Hmmm.

This doesn't smell good, and it definitely doesn't taste good.  Something very strange has happened and I need to get some answers.  Time to give Francis a call....

Significantly though, I was gutted when I read the withdrawal.  I think I was ready to embark on this path, and feel that it was taken out from under me.

I talked to my parents about this job, and they too thought that this was a great opportunity.  Dad made a reference to God answering my Camino-prayers, and mom said something to the effect of "this job is made for you."

I just don't understand what's going on.

God .. uhmmmm .. can you show up, please?

Prairie Job: The Second Interview

I had a second job interview today for a job in Moose Jaw.

On the Camino I prayed for open doors vocationally, and I'm getting an increasing sense that moving to the prairies might actually be God's response to my prayers.  Here are 3 rasons I think this.

1- the basics.  A paycheque.  I haven't had a pay cheque in a long time!

2- the mission.  To be clear, #2 is much more important than #1.  Essentially, the work in Saskatchewan matches with my personal life mission statement.  Matthew 25:35-36, 40: feeding the hungry, welcoming the stranger, clothing the naked, visiting the sick, caring for the "least of these".  The needs of the world are intersecting with my passion.  It's all there.

3- the details.  The job is amazing, consisting of both clinical and management work.  The job is split, more or less 50/50, between Pastoral visits and management duties.  Talk about perfect.

I get emotionally exhausted by doing visits for more than 4-5 hours a day.  I need another aspect to complement the clinical side.  This job does that.  And how it does that!

Non-clinical time is spent envisioning and implementing measures that preserve and promote the Mission of the organization.  What's the Mission?  "To continue the healing ministry of Jesus."  Again, a perfect match.

4- the place.  I've always thought I'd like to experience living in a small town/city.  Community.  Simplicity.  Connection to place and people.  Natural food.  Raw beauty of creation.  In short, the Wendell Berry factor(s), MJ offers them.  Even in terms of weather, I think I'm ready to try cold but sunny, rather than mild and rainy.

To be sure, I'm sick of Vancouver.  The people, the politics, the pace, the secularism, the (lack of) work.  Suffocating.

5- the spirit.  This is about sanity.  I need to move on from my relational brokenness.  The air I breathe right now is toxic, because everything that I see and do is connected to my broken past (talk about a deja-vu from 2002!)

My window of opportunity is short: just over 2 months, Febraury 28th is R-day.  R = return.

Of course there are drawbacks to this move.  Am I escaping?  No MEC?  No mountains?  But if there is a time to move, the time is now.

Incredibly, I think that I may be getting an offer for the job in the next few days.  This is what they told me.  They seem as desperate to fill the position as I am in needing a shot of clean air.

This is scary.  It could be the perfect marriage, or disaster waiting to happen.

I have to trust that God is in this process.

Camino de Santiago: Revelations II

Without a doubt, the theme that most occupied my mind while walking the 400kms in Spain a few months ago was relationships.  And one relationship in particular.

I've documented elsewhere my struggle in moving on from my previous Love, a struggle that has in recent weeks intensified, surely because of our meeting up in Spain a few months ago.  Significantly, my love for her has deepened, even though we don't get along nearly as well as we used to.  In fact, things have never been worse.

Unanswered emails.

Short, empty conversations.

Disinterest.

Distraction.

Ambiguity.

Cold.

It wasn't always like that....

And while I want things to improve, I am anxious about whether they will.

All signs seem to indicate in the opposite direction, actually.

The irony here is that in the light of my ponderings while and since walking, I've more or less decided that I am now at a point where I am willing to overlook worldview differences, in order to be with the woman that I love.  It's not the ideal scenario, but in a world of uncertainties and ambiguities, in a world of physical embodiment, in a world of freedom of choice (within the realm and under the control and direction of Providence) it's sometimes the only possible scenario.  

I think it's situations like these that best explain the incarnation of Jesus.  And it's situations such as these that best describe the need  for the incarnation of Christ.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a Sinner.

So in the light of yet another relational disappointment, I once again remain to pick up the pieces, to begin building love again, one by one, block by block, beginning with the base.

The bigger picture to consider here - and this is the Revelation - is surely my need to come to terms with my identity as an unmarried man.  And bigger still, my identity as a man.  Currently I'm not there yet.  The ending 2-3 paragraphs here confirm that.

Jesse Cook

Tonight I went to the Jesse Cook show at the Orpheum.  He is, by far, my favourite musician.

He played a good number of songs from his new cd, among them Broken Moon and Ocean Blue, but the best songs were I Put A Spell On You and Ne Me Quitte Pas, with the lovely and sensual Emma-Lee present on stage.

He also played his classics, among them Mario Takes A Walk, Switchback, and Tempest.  He played Gravity, a song he said he rarely plays, and more recent songs such as Bogota By Bus and Cecilia.  But without a doubt his best songs were Gaita and the ultra-classic Closer to Madness (what a brilliant name for the song).

Exquisite.

Prairie Job Interview. Crazy.

My good friend Tom and I have begun meeting for lunch every other week, more or less.  He used to work at St. Paul's Hospital, and since meeting him there we've struck some good conversations which we've kept going.

Almost two weeks ago, on November 28th, we were eating lunch, and I complained to him that I was having a difficult time coming to terms with my vocational direction, and specifically, that I felt helpless because of the bleak outlook for work in the near future.  One of the questions he asked me was "Are you willing to look for work beyond Vancouver?"  I said no I wasn't, at least not for the time being.

As we were having this conversation - no exaggeration - he received a text message from some guy named Francis, in Saskatoon.  Francis' message was short: "Looking for someone to work in spiritual care in Moose Jaw.  Know of anyone?"

Tom looked at me and said, I think you should go to the prairies.  As I said no thanks, Tom responded to the message: "Got someone, his name is Ed.  Here's his contact info."  

Thanks Tom...

Fast forward to today.

I had a job interview with Francis.  Yes, the one from Saskatoon.  He's looking for a Director in Moose Jaw (MJ), in south central Saskatchewan.  I began the conversation by telling him that I have no interest in moving to the prairies - not the best way to begin an interview process - but proceeded to listen to him "sell" me the job.  Crazy.

By the end of the conversation an hour later, I agreed for another interview, this time with the CEO and another person, I'm not sure who.

This is crazy.  I have no interest in moving to the prairies.