An Afternoon At Nitobe

Jennifer and I spent a lovely afternoon at the Nitobe Garden today. Given the rift that's crept into our friendship lately, it was good to spend a few hours with a proven friend. I'm looking forward to our trip to Mexico at the end of this month.

I've always loved Nitobe. It reminds me of my 2nd year at Regent, when I was taking Classical Greek in the spring, and Mark and I would go there to spend a few hours relaxing, reading, or just talking theology. It's such a tranquil place.

Ralph In Surrey

As I mentioned a few days ago, there was talk that Ralph would be transferred to Surrey. That transfer happened 5 days ago on April 10th.

Yesterday I went to visit him, and he was not having a good day. He was coughing like crazy. It's frightening: when he coughs, it looks like he's choking. His lung is really giving him lots of trouble.

One feels so helpless. All we can do is hope and pray that his time is not yet up, and that the doctors and nurses would give him the best possible care (and they do).

Dad took these pics of our visit. The first one is of mom and me at Ralph's bedside:

The next one is of me, while the physiotherapist is working on Ralph's legs:

The last one I took of dad. Mom and dad are so formal when they stand at bedside. Dad in particular, is very stoic most of the time. He visits Ralph for only short periods of time, and doesn't say much at all. But as I think I've said before, his heart is torn deep inside. He loves Ralph dearly.

Complications Continue

My poor nephew. Just when one thing improves, something else goes awry.

The arm and clavicle are healing from the surgery, but his lung is leaking air, which makes it difficult for him to breathe. Now there's talk that he'll be transferred to Surrey Memorial where they specialize in lungs.

It's been close to 80 days now since the accident. Winter has come and gone, or at least, it's going. Spring is definitely on the way, as days are getting longer, and the sun peaks out more.

Still, Ralph does not speak, he seems awake sometimes when his eyes are open, but we just don't know. Doctors say that it's hard to know what his condition will be going forward. I learned a few weeks ago that boys/men are really irritable when they wake up, whereas girls/women are much more calm. So far, this distinction has not evidenced itself.

I'm worried about Ralph's family, and in particular, his mother. Melanie is visibly tired, she still works a few days a week, something she should probably reconsider if she wants to remain energetic. Whatever the journey will be like going forward, it's going to be a long one, so it's wisest to prepare for such.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on Ralph, a sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on us all, for we are all sinners.

Cheque

Today I went back to ICBC to pick up a cheque for my car. They gave me $4,500+. My goodness, I feel like a rich man now.

In the evening I met up for dinner. We're trying to move forward in our friendship. She's aware of Charlene now - she knew something was up - and after expressing her sadness and fear over it, we discussed it and settled a few things. The dynamics of our friendship will obviously need to change now.

Pancakes And Belongings

This morning I met up with Charlene for breakfast. We met at the Dutch Panekoek right by the Cambie Street bridge, and had some delicious pancakes.

Afterwards, I went to ICBC to pick up the belongings left in my car after the accident 10 days ago. There was too much for me to carry home on foot, so Charlene was kind enough as usual to drive me home.

Weekend In Seattle

I spent this past weekend (Friday-Sunday) in Seattle with Jennifer, Nicole, and Benja. We left Vancouver late afternoon, around 6pm, and while the rest came back on Sunday afternoon, I came back early on Sunday by Greyhound, in order to be present at my dad's birthday celebration. It was a fun, though rushed, time in Seattle with friends. Highlights:
* underground tour of city
* Pike's Place
* coffee at Le Panier
* dinner at Kingfish

Here are some pictures of our time together.

A rainy saturday morning, just after the underground tour:

Lunch at Kells:














Pike's Place Market:










































































































Le Panier:














Kingfish:






























Pijamas!

A Bittersweet Celebration

Today was a special day, as we celebrated my dad's 70th birthday (and my parents' 48th wedding anniversary). Mom asked me to do a short reflection on this special occasion. She picked Psalm 71 as a foundational text on which to reflect, not only because it address the theme of aging well (not to mention that it almost coincides with my father's age), but also because it's the 71st day after Ralph's tragic accident. We are still saddened, even numbed, by that horrible event. Suffice it to say, it was a bittersweet celebration.

Here's the reflection on Psalm 71, followed by a few pictures:

It is a great privilege to be here today, and be part of this celebration - and I think it is important that we call it a celebration: we are celebrating my father Ernst’s 70th birthday, we are celebrating my parents (Ernst and Adina)’s 48th wedding anniversary, and finally, we are celebrating friendship with you, a friendship that has shown itself to be true in the days and weeks following our beloved Ralph’s car accident. So ultimately, we are here to celebrate God’s goodness and his faithfulness, because all of these - birthdays, marriage, and friendship - are expressions of God’s goodness towards us.

To put this celebration in its rightful place, in its rightful context, however, I would like to look to Scripture and share some thoughts from a text, and particularly, the text that I will draw from is Psalm 71. My aim is to take a few minutes and draw out some thoughts from this Psalm, in the hopes that some of these words will encourage us to further contemplate the goodness of God.

Psalm 71 does not address birthdays, anniversaries, or friendships directly, but indirectly, by instructing us and encouraging us towards a particular way of being. Psalm 71 is a Psalm of wisdom, you might say, in which the Psalmist - probably King David in his later years - points us towards a particular way of living, and he shows us this way of living by way of personal examples, from a young age (71:17) to his current old age (71:9, 18). Actually, he even refers back to a time before he was born: “Upon you [God] I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother’s womb” (71:6).

David lists some of the difficult times he went through during his life, and there are many trials and tribulations: dealing with enemies who criticize and mock him (71:10), some who accuse him falsely (71:13), and others who want to hurt him (71:4, 24). Along the way, David has encountered doubt and helplessness, pain and shame.

And yet, amidst these “troubles and calamities” (71:20), David keeps a single-minded perspective on the Lord, he stays focused on God, who in his righteousness has done “mighty deeds “71:16), who is the author of his salvation (71:15, 23). So we have good reason for looking towards this Psalm for wisdom: wisdom in times of joy and celebration, but also, wisdom in times of adversity and great sadness: wisdom in the bittersweet moments of our lives.

There are 3 attitudes of heart in particular that are very helpful for us, that I would like to draw out. And they are: 1- trust in the reliability of God (71:3), 2 - hope that God will make right the things that are wrong (71:14), and 3- praise: the Psalmist praises God for his goodness (71:6). These attitudes are gifts that God grants us, absolutely, but they are also personal disciplines: disciplines that King David cultivated throughout his life, from a young age on.

For example, he says, “Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man. For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth” (71:4-5). He actually insists on God’s reliability right from the get-go of the Psalm: “In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame!” . . . “Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come” (71:1, 3) The word continually here indicates repetition: again and again and again. It’s like he’s saying ‘Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may come again and again and again.’

God as our refuge is like a young boy hiding behind his mother when in danger; God as our rock is like a young daughter holding on to her father while crossing a river. I saw a tv clip earlier this week, which showed a woman in Japan holding on to a tree, while the tsunami waves came in. While everything around her was moving - bicycles, cars, even airplanes and houses - she was holding on to this tree for dear life. She survived the disaster, because the tree was firmly rooted and withstood the waves. In the waves of life, God is our rock and our refuge.

Moving on to hope, hope that God will bring light despite of darkness all around, health and safety amidst great danger, and redemption in circumstances where all seems lost, the Psalmist is convinced he has good reason to hope that God will not leave him alone in trouble: “...I will hope continually...” (71:14). I will hope [in you] again and again and again...

His enemies thought that God was not present in suffering: “God has forsaken him; pursue and seize him, for there is none to deliver him” (71:11). But time and again, David moves the attention away from himself and his enemies, and upward (71:5): God will finish the work he started. In the midst of old age and weakness, David appeals to God: “Do not cast me off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent” (71:9). Throwing ourselves at the feet of God is never an escape from reality; it’s always an escape to reality.

Finally, a few words on praising God. This Psalm is full of praise, as most Psalms are. I believe only one Psalm - Psalm 88 - doesn’t have praise as its obvious aim. All the others include praise, and lead to praise.

The main tone of praise - and the centre of the Psalm - is towards the end of the Psalm (71:17-21):

O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depth of the earth
you will bring me up again.
You increase my greatness
and comfort me again.

The Psalmist is eager to praise God, and proclaim to others the “wondrous deeds” (71:17) from which he has benefited in times young and old (71:17).

But he also does not lose sight of the big picture. He has experienced God’s faithfulness, in the same way that Israel has experienced faithfulness in the miracle of the exodus, when God led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt (71:19, cf Exodus 15:11). Many years later, the apostle Paul would teach us in a similar way, to relate our own personal difficulties within a bigger, fuller perspective (Romans 8:11):

If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead
dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus
from the dead will also give life to your
mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

In God unapproachable majesty and light, meet with covenant love and compassion. In God love and faithfulness meet together, and righteousness and peace kiss one another (Psalm 85:10). It is no wonder, then, that the Psalmist concludes in an exalting theme of praise (71:21-24): God has delivered him, and silenced the enemy. Now David, embattled, weak, and tired, can rest his mind at ease: his faith is confirmed, and his fingers, lips, hands, and heart can continue singing the praises of God and the telling of his story.

To my father, to both my parents, to the rest of our family, and to all of you - our friends - who are gathered here on this bittersweet day, may these words serve as encouragement in our walk of faith: may we - along with the Psalmist and the rest of Christ’s church - trust in the character of God, hope in the fulfillment of his promises, and praise him for his goodness.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,

Amen+

_____

Source: Kidner, Derek. Psalms. An Introduction and Commentary. Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries. D. J. Wiseman, gen. ed., Volume 14a. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 1973.

No More Car

I found out today that as I'd initially thought, my car is a write-off.

For the past year's I've been telling my friends that the only reason I still drive a car is because I own one. If I didn't own one I'd just take transit everywhere. Well, now I don't own a car anymore. So if I stay true to my previous statements I should not replace my old vehicle with a new one.

I think I'll do it: no more car.

Here's 3 cheers to my now defunct VW Jetta that served me so well over the past 12 years: hip hip, hoorah, hip hip, horrah, hip hip, horrah!

Car Accident

Well, whereas yesterday was a fantastic day, today was horrible.

After the usual Holy Communion service at church I went hiking with Shane.

Then, on my way back, I rear-ended another car downtown (West Pender and Richards). There was some kind of parade going on, I got distracted, and before I could even react, BOOM, I hit the car in front of me! Thankfully, everyone is ok. The passenger in the car I hit (a woman) complained of mild neck pain and was taken away in an ambulance but I'm quite certain it was only for precautionary reasons. The driver, presumably her husband, wasn't freaking out or anything.

After filling out the accident report and answering some questions by the police, I was able to go home.

Once home, I immediately called Jennifer. My neck was sore, so she came over and accompanied me to a walk-in clinic to get it checked out. I think I'm fine, but will likely do a few massage therapy sessions to alleviate the discomfort.

As far as my car is concerned, I have a feeling that it's a total write-off. The airbag went off, and I've heard that the cost of repairing an airbag is around the $2,000 mark. The front end is also quite crunched, and so given that the car is 13 years old they likely wont fix it.

Rachmaninov With Charlene

Tonight was sort of a Russian themed night. Charlene and I went for dinner at a Russian Restaurant on Kingsway, and afterwards we went to the Orpheum for Rachmaninov's Vespers: a lovely evening.

I have listened to this sublime musical masterpiece many times before: indeed, it's my favourite musical piece (I have the cd with the performance of the St. Petersburg Chamber Choir, Olga Borodina, Vladimir Mostowoy, and Nikolai Korniev). It was special, therefore, to hear it live. In my view, the most amazing feature of this piece is in the beautiful way in which the soprano and bass combine. The sopranos take you to the heights of heaven, and the bass, well, they provide the perfect accompaniment for the journey! Perhaps Rachmaninov is the only one to be able to achieve such feats of glory.

And whereas a few weeks ago I had a hard time maintaining my distance from Charlene, tonight I didn't hesitate and put my arm around her quite often. Things went so well that by the end of the night she said "Are we still only friends?" Good question...

Spanish Bibles, Suitcases, Mexican Bakes, Haircut, And A Rift

Spanish Bible: today I went to the bookstore and picked up the Spanish Bible I'd ordered for Patri a few weeks ago. Very soon I'll be going for dinner with her and at that point I'll give it to her. My prayer is that she would find God in the pages of Scripture...

Suitcase: Jennifer and I are going to Mexico at the end of April. At the end of my World Tour last year my big suitcase was broken, so today I went to pick up a new one in preparation for our trip. It looks like our itinerary will be Mexico City - Puebla or Veracruz - Cuernavaca - Mexico City.

Mexican Bake: as planned, I tried a Mexican recipe from the new cookbook I got a few days ago. I'd rank the finished product a disappointing 5. Very bland. I will try it again with more spicy ingredients (the ones the recipe actually calls for!) and see how it turns out.

Haircut: Got my monthly haircut today.

Rift: even though Jennifer and I are planning to go to Mexico (the plan's been in the works for a while), there's a rift happening between us. The reason: Charlene. This should be no surprise. The rift is psychological on my part, because I have not mentioned anything to her yet at this point about Charlene and I, but that day is coming very soon. I have every intention to preserve our friendship but realize that this will be very difficult to do.

Angels Recognized

Today my family attended a ceremony at which the angels that saved Ralph's life were honoured by the police. They received plaques of merit. We are humbled by their unselfish acts. God bless them.

Here they are:

Vegetarian Cooking

A few weeks ago someone left a vegetarian cookbook at the "giveaway corner" of our apartment building, so I took it and have been cooking vegetarian since. This book's essentially a "gift" to me, because I've decided to give up meet for Lent, so vegetarian recipes is exactly what I need!

Here are the recipes I've tried so far (and the rating, out of 10):
* green pea soup (7)
* corn chowder soup (9)
* pasta with green peas and celery in a cream sauce (6)

Later this week I want to try and make a mexican bake. It looks delicious.

Just Like That

So I did it. I told Charlene this afternoon that I liked her. Just like that.

She came to my place for a visit, and while we were in the kitchen I told her. Maybe not the most romantic context, come to think of it, but I'm glad I did it.

As I suspected, the interest is mutual. We decided that for the time being, our relationship was best served by staying friends and continuing to get to know each other.

I briefly held her hand. I tingled all over. Her smile really is lovely.

Tingling

I have to say it: my interest for Charlene is getting more and more intense.

Yesterday we attended an Ash Wednesday service together at a local anglo-catholic church, and throughout the entire service I pondered holding her hand and putting my arm around her. I was completely distracted. My reason for attending the service was totally overrun by my psychosomatic urges. Good thing the season of repentance is only starting...

We've been out a few times - coffee, dinner, hiking, symphony - and lately we've been in touch more often, 2-3 times a week, on the phone or email. I have a feeling that our attraction is mutual, and that something's going to happen with us soon. Not sure what yet, but something...

But even so, there's still a lingering cloud of doubt over my head. We share the same faith in Jesus, but we look at the world from almost opposite angles (how is that possible!). In terms of our personalities, I think we're also very different, even opposites. I know that in some cases "opposites attract", but in this case I just don't know if attraction will see us through.

She has many good qualities: she's intelligent and attractive; she's friendly, gentle, and good-humoured. She's a woman of integrity and has many of the same concerns that I do: in a nutshell, she's on about the kingdom of God. Most notably for me has been her presence the past 2 months, since Ralph's accident. She's been there always, praying, encouraging, and supporting. No one has been more present to me the past few months.

And yet, on the other hand, we clash, and we clash often. Our biggest struggle in terms of how we view the world has to do with matters of gender relations. It's the usual problem: I'm not on-board with the direction Western society has chosen. Men and women are equal, but we're different, God has created us differently. And from a Christian perspective, approaching matters of human worth from the point of "rights", "justice", "skills and talents", and "fairness" is wrong-headed. Our conversations should be based on the premise of "service" and "self-giving". This goes for both, men and women. I'll leave it at that.

We've both acknowledged our differences all along, and we've tried to learn from one another rather than preach to each other, but in the end, our differences are still so vast that I see great difficulty in making things work.

But for the time being, I'm putting the cart in front of the horse. What I know right now is this: my body was tingling at the thought of holding her hand yesterday. Let's see how things go in our next few get-togethers.

Ash Wednesday

Joel 2: 1-2, 12-17: The Day of the LORD

1- Blow a trumpet in Zion;
sound an alarm on my holy mountain!
Let all the inhabitants of the land tremble,
for the day of the LORD is coming; it is near,

2- a day of darkness and gloom,
a day of clouds and thick darkness!
Like blackness there is spread upon the mountains
a great and powerful people;
their like has never been before,
nor will be again after them
through the years of all generations.

...

12- "Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;

13- and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.

14- Who knows whether he will not turn and relent,
and leave a blessing behind him,
a grain offering and a drink offering
for the LORD your God?

15- Blow the trumpet in Zion;
consecrate a fast;
call a solemn assembly;

16- gather the people.
Consecrate the congregation;
assemble the elders;
gather the children,
even nursing infants.
Let the bridegroom leave his room,
and the bride her chamber.

17- Between the vestibule and the altar
let the priests, the ministers of the LORD, weep
and say, "Spare your people, O LORD,
and make not your heritage a reproach,
a byword among the nations.[a]
Why should they say among the peoples,
'Where is their God?'"

Accepted!

I found out today that I was accepted into the spring CPE unit. Yay! Thank you Lord Jesus!

Jennifer's Birthday

Today was Jennifer's birthday, and we celebrated her in good form: we took her for dinner at the Afghan Horseman! I've been there a few times now, and have never been disappointed. We ordered their specialty platters - both, vegetarian and meat - they really hit the spot. The pakarwas (potato slices fried in a batter) are divine. The afghan tea they serve there is not to be missed either!

For some people (ehemmmm) the highlight of the evening was the dancer who came out after dinner. :)

Anyways, happy birthday Jennifer!!!

Dinner On Bowen Island

Tomorrow is Jennifer's birthday. True to my form of-late, I bought a plant (zebra) for her as a birthday present. I also bought a croton plant for myself.

To celebrate her birthday we went to Bowen Island for dinner. When I'd visited the island late last year, I noticed that the Tuscany Wood Oven Pizza restaurant looked like a nice Italian restaurant to visit on a special occasion. So tonight I surprised Jen and took her there. It was quite a nice evening. Unfortunately we didn't take any pictures!

This wont be the last time I visit the island for a meal. It's very do-able. We drove to Horseshoe Bay, parked the car there and went by ferry. But there's no reason you couldn't take the car across, or for that matter, the best way to go is probably to leave the car at home and opt for the bus and ferry combo the whole way.

Taize

Over the past few months I've been learning about Taizé and have really come to love the music. I also went to a few Taizé services, and tonight I went to another one. I really enjoyed it.

I went with Charlene, and I really enjoyed her company again. She's quite gentle and she constantly smiles.

But again, whatever enjoyment we had with one another, it was matched by a difference in viewpoint on matters of theology: this time the issue was "our physical posture in prayer." I know I know .. I'm selfish.

Afterwards I visited Ralph. I got home after midnight.

BCMC With Charlene

Well if yesterday was a beautiful day, today was a winter wonderland. In other words, today was even more beautiful! It snowed throughout the day...

After the usual Sunday morning Eucharist, I went home for a couple of hours (breakfast) before picking up Charlene at around 11am. I parked my car in her parkade, and then ventured out onto the snowy road with her Honda SUV. I have to say that both, the height and the sturdiness of a SUV give one an increased sense of security on the road.

Anyways, we drove slowly towards Grouse. Not many people were on the road which made the drive quite pleasant (I wish it snowed everyday!). Upon arrival at the bottom of the mountain, we immediately put on our yak-tracks: it was so unusual starting out with them right from the get-go of the hike!

Here's what we saw on the way up:

Once atop Grouse Mountain we ate a sandwich lunch that we'd brought with us up the mountain. Charlene picked a great combination of ciabatta bread with cold cuts and cheeses, as well as some nuts, and carrot and veggie sticks. I really appreciate her creativity, especially around the theme of food. My approach is usually to order food from the restaurant atop the mountain. It's a lazy and expensive approach.

I think I'm beginning to like Charlene. She's very beautiful and has a lovely smile. We seem to get along well too, which is surprising given our differences of view on most issues. Truthfully, her "liberated" viewpoints on most things give me a headache.

BCMC With Jennifer

Here are some pictures of my hike to the top of Grouse Mountain earlier this morning. It was a really beautiful day, as the snow line was quite low.

I like this last picture!

In the afternoon I visited Ralph, and then in the evening I went to Sanjit's to celebrate his birthday. It was a snowy evening, very beautiful. At the end of the evening I gave both Alfonso and Patri a ride home. I hope the snow stays for a few days.....

5 Plans For The Day

Today was marked by 5 "events":

1- car problems: on my way to New Westminster my car started making really loud noises. In fact, so loud that I was embarrassed driving! The original plan was to visit Ralph before and after lunch, but I decided to ditch the "before" plans, and drove my car to a repair shop instead. I was told that by the end of the day the car would be fixed.

2- lunch with Russell and Darren: this was a good-bye lunch, on behalf of the shipping/receiving department (ehem .. all of 2 people). We went to a Thai restaurant in New West, not too far from the hospital. The food was good, and the company too. We discussed the future of the company (it doesn't look very promising, from my vantage point, and I'm an outsider now so I can say it) for the most part. While I'm glad that I'm now turning the page and moving in a different direction vocationally, I do believe that both Russell and Darren were good men to work with.

3- after lunch I visited Ralph: I actually went back to the mechanic shop before going to the hospital, and to my surprise, they hadn't found the problem yet, but they assured me that by day's end they would. So, to the hospital I went. My visit with Ralph was very good. My heart aches for him, my heart is breaking for him. I read more Psalms for him, and also did another prayer service from the BCP. Lord please heal him!

4- dinner with coworkers: after a good 2-hour visit with Ralph I went back to the shop to pick up my car. Then I went to the Paddlewheeler Pub at the Quay in New Westminster. This was another good-bye event from work. I have to say that I feel cared for by these good-bye events. I met some really great people these past 2.5 years. Even people whom I usually don't speak with too much at work showed up. No names will be mentioned... It was good to be able to formally say good-bye. I'm especially grateful to Melanie who single-handedly planned the entire event. I will miss her.

5- pick up "Alve" desk: my final activity for the day was supposed to be a highlight, but it ended up being a major disappointment. For the past 3 months I've been looking for a used Alve desk (Ikea) to buy, and I thought I'd made a deal with someone a few days ago via email. We'd agreed that I'd pick it up tonight at 8:30. I arrived late, around 8:45, only to find out that they'd come to a verbal agreement with someone else already about the sale. The only way they were prepared to give me the desk was if I took the matching cd rack too: understandable, but not the original agreement! Upon inspecting both, the desk and the rack, I decided to pass. I didn't have a sense of Peace about it. The desk wasn't in very good shape, and the owners, well, they were idiots, I'll just leave it at that.

Mass In B Minor With Charlene

Tonight I went to see the Mass in B Minor at the Chan Centre at UBC. I'd asked Charlene to go to it a few weeks ago when we got together. It was a very good evening, especially in light of the fact that it coincided with my final day of work at Day4!

I met up with her around 7ish. We'd previously agreed to do a take-out dinner at Wendy's. Not my favourite way of dining, much less before seeing a symphony, but whatever, it was her idea and in the end it wasn't a bad one. It was my first time eating burger and fries in dress clothes in a car in a parkade!

The concert itself was decent. The TWU choir joined the VSO for the performance, and what the choir lacked in fortitude of voice, it made up in precision of tone and timing. I'm aware that I'm not a musical expert here, so pardon me if the ways of describing the strengths and weaknesses of the performance isn't up to snuff. In my opinion, either the instruments were too loud, or the choir wasn't loud enough. It's just a hunch, but my guess is that the matter had more to do with the choir than with the instruments.

Charlene was very kind with me all evening. She asked me several times how I was doing (since it was my last day of work), but also, this night was supposed to be the night Ralph sang in the choir: I'd planned to attend this concert well before the accident, and so going to it and not seeing Ralph there was tough. I'd invited Melanie and Heinz to come along but they passed on the opportunity, thinking that it was too close to home emotionally.

Charlene seems to have a very good ear for music too. It was enjoyable getting feedback from her. She's opinionated, and we didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, but we had a good conversation all around.

I also loaded up on coffee at the intermission. I know Lent is coming up, so I'm using every opportunity I have to get caffeinated...

Chaplaincy Interview

This morning was my interview for acceptance into the chaplaincy program. I arrived 3 minutes late (the elevators at the hospital are .. s l o w ! I arrived at the hospital 15 minutes early but got stuck in elevator hell. Anyways, the interviewers, Phil and Phil, didn't seem to mind.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how well I did in the interview. It was long (2.5 hours), the questions were hard, but that's to be expected. It seems to me that the program is based as much on psychology as it is on theology, and to a certain degree hat makes sense. I just hope that psychology isn't overemphasized at the expense of theology.

There was one question that I didn't like. It was along the lines of "how would you react if you were called to give pastoral care to a gay couple." I think I answered the question well enough, but inside me there was a storm going on. Why is there such an emphasis on same-sex relationships nowadays? It seems like that's everyone's hobby-horse: the issue has to be brought up at every possible event. It's like the favourite flavour of the month, and it doesn't sit well with me.

In the end, even though I felt like I answered the questions well, I left the interview wondering whether I'm the type of person they're looking for. I certainly feel "qualified" for pastoral care, but I'm just not sure that my theological convictions will be acceptable; on the other hand, I'm not convinced I can handle the theological convictions under which the program are run.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me. You've brought me to this "place". Please see me through it.

Praying Psalms of Lament

Given the situation in our family, here are some thoughts I gathered today from listening to Darrell Johnson's lecture on laments in the Psalms.

Laments are:
1- An "In your face", direct address to God: a plea for help => rescue me, heal me, forgive me, lift me out of pit, overcome the enemies!
2- Complaint: Why? => why do the wicked prosper? why do you not judge? why are you so far away? how long?
3- Either a confession of sin (I'm part of the problem), or claim of innocence (I didn't do anything to deserve this) => examples are Psalm 44, 89.
4- A cursing of the enemy.
5- A request for God's answer, and an explanation of why He should answer: 1- for your Name's sake ("So that your Name is not dishonoured .. You said that You're the God that's with us and for us .. if this continues .. You're not going to look very good God!"); 2- because I'm yours, I don't deserve to be treated this way; 3- b/c if I die You wont be praised .. those in Hades don't praise you!; 4- a vow: rescue me and I'll praise you, I will honour You.
6- An expression of confidence in God's response (except in Psalm 88).
7- A thanksgiving, blessing: "I know You're here, I know You're with me."

Redemptive aspects of praying Psalms of lament:
1- they keep us from a denial spirituality => lament Psalms help us stay away from pretending everything's ok.
2- Lament Psalms help us realize we're not alone => they remind us that there's a whole company of people who know pain and suffering, and to pray these Psalms with people gives us assurance we're not alone.
3- they build authentic community => based on the fullness of our humanity, and not just in our pious "nicety."
4- they engender true healing => laments open up deep places so that "the light and life of God" can penetrate them.
5- they engender deeper intimacy => with God; we realize that the character of God is good, and that he doesn't let bad things happen without purpose.
6- they are part of the process by which God brings the kingdom (and all the fullness thereof) into the world => in Rev. 6-8, the Lamb opens the scroll (the secret of history), and God acts in response to the prayers of his people. We are not wasting our breath by praying "How long, Lord!" It's part of the mystery.

Feb. 18: Last Day Of Work

I found out today that my last day of work at Day4 will be February 18th. My feelings are mixed: some excitement for the future; some trepidation about what's to come; some relief in being able to spend more time with Ralph; but most of all, uncertainty, lots of uncertainty!

The timing is good though: I think the pace I'm going on is unsustainable. Once I'm no longer working I'll have more time to visit Ralph.

More Toothache

I talked to my friend Anoush yesterday about my experience at the dentist last week, and she mentioned that that experience is quite common: you go in for a cleaning, you're told that unless you do such and such your teeth are going to rot and fall out in the next few years and you'll suffer from a bad self esteem problem as a result, and so the best solution is to do x, y, or z.

She actually said that most dentists work on that premise (let's call it the fear mongering approach). Sadly, I capitulated.

But she knows a conservative (her term, not mine) dentist who doesn't throw the knife at everything he sees. I'll give him a try next time. If I have a bad experience with him I'm never going back to the dentist!

In the meantime, my tooth still aches...

Teeth

I went to the dentist yesterday. Horrible experience. I'm pretty sure my dentist is just in it for the money. "Prevention" is such a big focus that I'm pretty sure he creates problems where there are none.

Case in point: I have pain now where I didn't previously, and, to boot, I may need a root canal! A root canal wasn't even part of the picture in the consultation. He did a filling, dug a little too deep, damaged a nerve, and now he's talking about having to do a root canal.

The worst of it is the pain. For the moment I can only take in lukewarm food or drink. Anything hot or cold goes right to the nerve of my tooth.

Ralph Update

Here's an email I sent my friends today:

Hi friends, here's a brief update on Ralph:

* his head swelling has come down enough for the doctors to take out the tubes in his head (they were gauging brain pressure and monitoring swelling); this is definitely good news!

* the doctors have determined that Ralph did not damage his spine in the accident; last weekend the doctors lowered his sedation enough to do some simple "pinching" tests: nurses pinched his hands and toes, to see if he responded to pain: he did, his body jolted abruptly; this is also very good news .. perhaps this is one of the only legitimate times to rejoice in someone else's pain...

* Ralph still needs to have his neck operated on: the surgery was supposed to take place last weekend, but his neck area got infected from the ventilator (Ralph was at that point not breathing on his own, the machine was doing all the work; today, he initiates each breath, but the ventilator takes over after that and does the rest of the work) so the doctors postponed the surgery; the plan is to undergo neck surgery sometime this weekend (most likely tomorrow, Saturday)

* his right ear lobe is not growing back properly; it will have to be removed and plastic surgery performed; for the time being this is not a high priority; we do not know if/how hearing is affected

* Ralph is still heavily sedated: he has been "asleep" for all 19 days; after the neck surgery is performed, the doctors will gradually lower sedation levels and hope he wakes up. Then, we can begin to see the status of his brain.

A quick story: earlier this week (Tuesday, I think - all days are but a blur at the moment) the nurses lowered his sedation levels somewhat. I was in Ralph's room with Melanie, and her two youngest sons, Terence and Derek. Melanie and I were talking quietly in a corner, while Derek and Terence were telling Ralph how much they missed him. Derek was stroking Ralph's finger. All of the sudden, Terence said "Hey, his eyes are open." Melanie and I jumped up and ran to the bed. Sure enough, his eyes were open, and he was staring straight up at the ceiling. We all told him that we love him. Then, seeing what was happening, the nurse came into the room, went right close to his ear, and said loudly: "If you can hear us, please blink once." And to our astonishment, he blinked. Our hearts lept for joy. Then, she asked him to blink again. This time he didn't respond. His eyes stayed open for about another 30 seconds - still staring at the ceiling - and then they closed. We're not certain how to interpret the events (did he hear us or not?), but personally, I believe he mustered up all his energies to open his eyes. Asking him to blink several times was asking too much, for the time being. I pray that this is the correct interpretation.

I leave you with Psalm 62:1-2, a verse I've been reading with Ralph daily, and reciting on my own about a thousand times a day: "Truly, my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Mon Âme Se Repose

The last time I saw him before his accident, Ralph mentioned to me that he hopes to one day sing in a choir that sings beautiful sacred music. In the coming months I will play him plenty of Taizé music like this one. I think he will enjoy it:

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul:
de lui vient mon salut.
Oui, sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose,
se repose en paix.

In God alone my sould can find rest and peace,
In God my peace and joy.
Only in God my soul can find its rest,
Find its rest and peace.

In Gott, nur in Gott ist mein Geist tief geborgen,
Von Ihm kommt mein Erlös.
Ja, nur in Gott sei mein Geist tief geborgen,
Tief geborgen in Ruh.

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Music: Jacques Berthier