Confessions Of An Oblate

Last year October I made my initial vows to be a Benedictine Oblate, and one of the surprising discoveries I've made since planting this seed is the relational fruits it seems to be bearing.

Fr. Paul, a kind, gentle soul has offered warmth and friendship that I've found supremely refreshing.  Whenever I visit the monastery, he takes time out of his schedule to catch up and see how things are going.  And he seems open and genuine about what life as a monk is like - not just the good stuff, but the warts too.

But the point of today's entry is that I've also found a confessor, someone who hears my failings and offers reconciliation.  As a new Catholic the experience of confession is still unfamiliar and  uncomfortable for me, but it's a process and I imagine it will take a while to get used to it.  Or, on the other hand, confessing our sins may never become normalized, because it's always an affront to our independence...

I am struggling with my relationship with Daniela.  The peace that I had just a few months ago has disappeared into thin air, and I'm beginning to seriously question my motivations, my priorities, my commitments, my very heart.  Intimacy has departed, leaving a vacuum that Distance has filled.

The worst thing is that Daniela arrives in Saskatoon tomorrow.  I'll be spending the next 3 months with her.

Lord, give me wisdom.  Reveal to me my motivations, and purify them, I pray.  Amen.

BBQ Season Is On

I planted my garden seeds over a month ago, and while they remained indoors they did ok, but they've struggled outdoors, as the weather really hasn't been warm enough.

But this week it seems to have warmed up.  In fact, it warmed up enough to warrant a bbq - the first one of the year.

On the menu:

* grilled red peppers, zucchini, and onions

* mild Italian sausages

As usual, Marco will make one of his amazing salads to go along with the menu items.

And for drinks, well, let's just say that the Saskatoon Brewery makes a great IPA...

Flamenco

I went out with Michelle tonight, to a flamenco performance.  The show was held at a local jazz bar, a great venue.

How I wish I could play the guitar like flamenco guitarists do.  I wonder if I should drop the acoustic guitar and take up its classical sibling.

That Gut-Wrenching Feeling

After spending the last 9 days in Vancouver, I flew back to Saskatoon today.

And I got the feeling that I always get just before leaving the west coast and returning to the prairies, gut-wrenching anxiety, even anguish.  I imagine it's because of a whole range of feelings that race through my head:

the feeling of leaving something behind

nostalgia - a flooding of past memories

departing the adventurous and returning to daily routines

unresolved conflicts with family and friends

loneliness - the sense of having to experience something on one's own

C S Lewis once said something along the lines of 'there must be another world, because we all have unfulfilled longings that we intuit only another world could satisfy; in fact, we were made for this other world.'

I wonder whether the feelings of anguish I feel has to do with this sense of longing.  The loneliness I feel when leaving one place for another is perhaps not so much because I am going through it "on my own", but because of a deep knowledge that whether I stay here or go elsewhere, or whether I go through this process alone or with someone else, there are needs, deep needs, that will be unresolved no matter what.

The good thing in all of this is that it only takes 2 days for me to "get over" the feeling of despair.  Once I'm back at home, I get busy, reimmersing myself in daily life, work, reconnecting with people, friends, and coworkers, "forgetting" about the feelings I had at the end of my trip.

Heavenly Father, thank you for this trip to the west coast.  Thank you for reminding me that though we feel lonely at times, you are always with us.  Amen.

Vancouver In Spring

What a gorgeous city I used to live in.

It's only April and spring's in fool bloom!

Here are a few pictures from downtown.

Life In Prison

Depression must feel like living in a prison.

I've had periods of depression, deep sadness, but one way or another, eventually I "snap out of it", I find a way out of the gates of hell and into the open air.  

I can't imagine how someone who deals with it their entire life must feel.  How do they cope?  How do they get by?  And how do they make sense of it theologically, spiritually?

And what would it be like having a spouse who is depressed?  Would there not be guilt feelings on either side?  The one depressed feels guilty for chaining the other person to it, bringing them "into the prison", and the other person feels guilty for not being compassionate enough.

9 Days In Vancouver

I arrived on the west coast late last night.

It'll be a strange trip, as mom and dad are in Paraguay, so I will spend much of my time in Abbotsford with siblings.

The main purpose of my trip is to attend the CASC conference.  I'm sceptical as to how useful this conference will be, given the fruitcake spirituality the organization promotes.  This will be a test of sorts for me...

The plan:

* April 9 - 12 in Abbotsord (2 nights at Ted's, then 2 at Melanie's)

* April 13 - 15 in Vancouver (airbnb)

* April 16 return to Saskatoon

I met with my wonderful friends Claudia and Hugh for lunch today, where else, but Al Watan?

Late afternoon I drove to one of my favourite places, Regent College.  I'd like to pitch a tent in the bookstore and live there for a year...

Plants Are Up

Seeds are planted, and in fact, seedlings are up already.

On the menu this fall:
* zucchini (2 plants)
* potatoes (4)
* broccoli (2)
* carrots (many)
* garlic (2)
* red peppers (3)
* tomatoes (5)
* green beans (2

Lewis On Death (Holy Saturday)

On the one hand Death is the triumph of Satan, the punishment of the Fall, and the last enemy.  Christ shed tears at the grave of Lazarus and sweated blood in Gethsemane: the Life of Lives that was in Him detested this penal obscenity not less than we do, but more.  On the other hand, only he who loses his life will save it.  We are baptized into the death of Christ, and it is the remedy for the Fall.  Death is, in fact, what some modern people call 'ambivalent'.  It is Satan's great weapon and also God's great weapon: it is holy and unholy; our supreme disgrace and our only hope; the thing Christ came to conquer and the means by which He conquered.

(C. S. Lewis, Miracles, chapter 14)

I say, Thank you Lord for using the enemy's weapon against himself!

Oblates: Action and Contemplation

It's been almost 6 months since I made my initial oblate vows.  I'm really hoping that as I continue entering the Benedictine world I also find deeper communion with God and community with others.

Yesterday after work I drove to Muenster and stayed overnight at the monastery there.  This morning I went to Mass, followed by lunch, and then a lecture on the "active" and "contemplative" aspects of the spiritual life.

Being too focused on one over the other indicates imbalance.  Work will always lead us to contemplation and prayer, as we realize our need for God and our inability to do the necessary work to bring healing to the world; contemplation will always lead us back to work, as we hear God's prompting of our hearts to "get back out there" and do his work, sharing the whole gospel with a broken world.

Days are getting longer again.  Even so, I got home in the dark, around 6:30.

Lent

So now that I'm back at home, not only am I reentering my regular work schedule, I'm also taking up the liturgical calendar routine again, which means, no coffee till Easter.

Earlier this week I also decided to host a board games night, so tonight we got together at the usual tea house and played Carcassonne and Settlers.

Back Home

Well, my traveling adventure ended this morning.  I arrived at Daniela's around 8 in the morning.  We hugged and kissed, before she saw me off to the airport.

I felt like crying, but didn't.  Instead, I texted her throughout my trip home.

I arrived in Saskatoon mid-afternoon.

Last Day

This morning we left Gore Bay and our odd but welcoming hosts at the B&B.

On the way back to Sudbury we stopped by Bridal Veil waterfalls, a place worth seeing.  We took a few pictures there.

We also wanted to take a look inside Immaculate Conception RC Church, a church that has rich native connections, including a teepee-shaped architecture.   But just as we arrived at the church, they were locking the doors.  Mass was done, and everyone was on their way home.

So we drove on.

Upon leaving the island I became quiet and introspective.  Actually, we were both quiet.  I didn't realize it then, like I do now, that the Island we'd been on was a place of not only retreat, peace and quietness - away from our regular routines.  It was more than that.  It represented togetherness, exploration of intimacy in spirit and flesh.  Leaving the island and reentering the mainland was a gigantic metaphor, exiting not only a place of tranquility, but leaving behind physical intimacy  too.  Tomorrow I go back to the prairies...

Thus the silence.

But I have a feeling there is more to the silence then the realization of a return to the geographically "distant" normalcy of our relationship.  I also felt emotionally distant.  The silence was eery, as though leaving the island also implied a more definite distancing of us, emotionally.  

I was entering the depths of loneliness and despair. 

We arrived in Sudbury around 4 in the afternoon, and after a stop by my hotel to take a shower and change clothes, we went by Laurentian University, where she showed me her office.  I am so proud of her.  A teaching professor at the young age of 33.

After seeing her office, we went back to Daniela's place where she showered and got changed.  Then we went out for dinner, the last supper at East Side Mario's.

I cried today.  In front of her.  I'm sad to leave and go back to "being alone."

A Day Trip With Daniela

Last night we started watching a movie together but she fell asleep.  I was mildly annoyed...

We planned to get up early this morning and go on a road trip, so when at 10 o'clock Daniela was still asleep and giving no sign of waking up, I got up, put on some clothes, and walked around town to take some pictures, mostly of the lake and the wharf.

When I got back to the house just after 11, Daniela was ready to go.  We went to the nearest coffee shop, got ourselves 2 capps, and off we went in our Jetta.

We drove one hour to Meldrum Bay, a sleepy little town that seemed to us at the end of the world.  There were no shops there - clearly it's a summer-only vacation spot - and no people either.  It's like the whole town was boarded up and empty for the winter.  Still, we took the opportunity to weather the cold - it was -15 - and I clearly wasn't dressed warm enough, as the picture below shows, but I wasn't going to let this opportunity go by without taking a few pictures outside, with the glorious surroundings.

The picture below is my favourite.  So cute, so warm...

On our way back we were starving, so we stopped by a greasy spoon restaurant.  We peaked inside, and the place was dripping with fat, so we continued, arriving back at our place by around 3:30pm.

I enjoy her company very much.  She's very intelligent, and very much a thinker.  But it seems to me there is some darkness hidden underneath that gorgeous smile, underneath those dark and lovely eyes...

What to do.  She teaches at a university.  I'm in the prairies.  Far away.  At times I feel like weeping.  How are we ever going to make this work?  When I first met her I told her romantically, "I'll move heaven and earth to be with you."  But, will I?  Now that I'm settled in the peaceful prairies with a job that I absolutely love?  Plus, didn't God call me to come here?  If I left now, am I not deserting the very people who brought me here?  Am I not letting them down?

Tomorrow we drive back to Sudbury.  Deep inside, I'm feeling a dread.  Not because she makes me feel this way - she does not - but because the thought of leaving her and flying back home terrifies me.

We worked hard for 3 months to make this meeting happen, and now that it's happened, I'm supposed to go back to my normal life...

Exploring Town

We slept in today.

Went for a walk around town, explored the small downtown core, discovered an art gallery by the lake, and went for a lengthy walk along the lake.

Came back for a late lunch, at Twin Bluffs, before going back for a lengthy nap.

In the evening we went to a very nice restaurant and, this being a fishing town, we ate lots of fish.  For dessert we had a toffee cheesecake.

Road Trip

Our schedule the past few days has been along the following lines:

breakfast and lunch together

Daniela goes to university late afternoon for her French class

afterwards, dinner together

Today was the same, except after her class ended, we drove 2 hours and checked ourselves into a B&B on Manitoulin Island.

We listened to Jesse Cook on the way down - Bogota by Bus - and ate sandwiches that I'd prepared for us: mini-baguettes, with provolone cheese, spinach, prosciutto, and cherry tomatoes.

We had a late check-in, everything worked to perfection.

I'm happy.

She Loved The Earrings

I made an excellent choice with these earrings.  Big score...

She looks incredibly lovely.  Particularly, the dark reds contrast with the light colour of her skin.

All Day Long

I got up early today and went to Daniela's place (I'm staying at a hotel) by 8:30am.  We spent all day together.

We cooked together: breakfast and dinner.  We skipped lunch.

Lots of good coffee.

She prepared a Romanian dish for dinner: stuffed green peppers and pork chops.  For dessert we had home made apple pie.

I feel tremendously blessed.

Finally

I finally met Daniela today.  This, after talking to her "virtually" everyday since meeting her in mid-October.  It was a very special moment.

I left Mexico City just after midnight, on a flight to Toronto.  From there I took another flight to Sudbury.  Upon arrival, I took a 45-minute taxi ride to the city, where I picked up my rental VW Jetta, before heading downtown to Daniela's place.  I arrived at her place near noon.  The temperature outside was around -20, but sunny.

Our embrace was long and full of warmth.  We spent much of our day becoming acquainted.  No more virtual.  There is no replacement to feeling the warmth of another person...

Dusk In Acapulco

Sundown's beautiful in Acapulco.  28C.  Perfect.

View

Morning:

Afternoon:

Dominic, Dominika, And Monica

Great tennis today.  All my faves won.

Thiem won again, he's in the quarters.

Dominika won too.  She's a fan fave - no surprise there.

Monica blew by Sara Errani.

After all the matches were over Ruth, Marty and I went to the fan area and hung out for a while.  Amazing weather - around 28C at midnight.  Can't be beat.

Settled In Acapulco

So we've made it here safely - and as the image shows, we won't be suffering the next few days...

Went to a Benetton store upon arrival, and I have to say I wasn't that impressed.  Maybe I'm (finally) outgrowing the UCB phase.  Some of my friends might be shocked.  Others proud.

Saw Dominic Thiem play today.  Que jugador, por Dios!  He will be a top 5 player within the next 2 years.  I will follow his progress over the next year...

I tend to think that women's tennis is more attractive these days than men's.  It seems more dynamic - except Serena who's just in a league on her own - where the game doesn't reply so much on strength and power, but also on touch, outlasting the opponent, and strategy.

But I think I'd still like to see one of "the big three" play - Djoker, Rafa, and Roger, in reverse order.  Andy Murray is someone I really like watching too.  He just fights and fights.

Tomorrow Dominica Cibulkova plays, as does Monica Puig.

Got The Earrings!

So I woke up thinking "Gotta get those earrings for her!"  So I did - went there as early as possible without seeming desperate to Ruth and Marty. ;)

They are truly so lovely.  I looked at over 100 different kinds of pairings, and this one was by far the perfect set.  My gosh, I'm so excited.

Fun, colourful, feminine, and classy.  The edges are silver.  And the package is cute also.  Not sure I can keep this secret from her till I see her in just over a week.

Pizza And Earrings

Been in Mexico for only a few hours and already enjoyed some fantastic company and food.

Spent the day with Ruth and Marty, relaxing at their apartment.  They are such good hosts, they know how to make someone feel at home, in their home.

Went for dinner at a pizza restaurant a 20 minute walk from their condo.

While walking around, taking in the atmosphere, we dropped by the artisan square where they have all kinds of kitsch for sale.  I found some amazing earrings for Daniela.  They're so lovely.  I didn't buy them because I want to think about it overnight - you know, sleep on it - but the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that they are THE right present for her.  I just hope they're still there tomorrow...

Tomorrow more of the same - relaxing at home.  Monday we take a bus to Acapulco.

Dr. Daniela

Today Daniela defended her PhD thesis successfully.  She's now Dr. Daniela.  One of the profs gave her grief about her conservative views on things, but she remained steadfast and stood her ground.  Good for her...

Below are pictures she sent me.

Off To Mexico...Tomorrow!

I can't wait until tomorrow: I'm flying south to Mexico to reconnect with Marty and Ruth.  Two days in Mexico City, then 6 in Acapulco, another day in Mexico City, and then back home to...uh....Sudbury.

I can't wait to meet up with Daniela.  I'm so excited.

Flowers

The flowers I sent her arrived right on time, yesterday morning.

Date With Coeur De Pirate

I finally got to see Coeur de Pirate.  Amazing.  What a talented musician.  And such a contagious smile and personality.  I wish she lived here, was a bit older, Christian, ink-less, and single.  I saw her perform on Valentine's Day - I wonder if that qualifies as a date...

My favourite songs were actually her newer ones: Crier tout bas, Undone, Oceans brawl, and Cast away.  The best one of all was Carry on.  It was her final song and she invited everyone to pack the isles and dance - and in prairie fashion, she didn't have to ask twice.  Of her old songs, the best one was Le long du large.

Ticket To Ride

Played again last night, with the "40s" group.  Loved it.  Nothing like playing a great board game in the dead of winter while it's -20 outside.

A Trip To The Hospital

Besides Daniela, one of the things that has given me much joy has been a board game meet up I discovered a few months ago.  We meet usually one a month, at a tea house in town.

Marco came along last night.  We played Carcassonne.

Anyways, last night, after having a great evening playing games, I had another one of those panic attacks that have plagued me the past month.  In fact, I was so affected that I could not go to sleep; my heart was pounding, I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest.

I actually ended up going to the hospital to get myself checked out.  I was so panicked, I thought they'd cut my chest open and do surgery or something.  I can't remember being so afraid of dying.  I was praying all the way to the hospital.

I don't know what's going on...

Flights Booked

So I booked my flights to Mexico: Saskatoon - Mexico City on Feb. 19, returning Feb. 29th.  This will be my 4th year in a row visiting Ruth and Marty in MX, and travelling down to Acapulco with them to watch some great tennis.

But this will be a first also: on my way back, I plan to visit Daniela in Sudbury.  I took the plunge and bought tickets to see her.  I know it's a risk, but I feel good and excited about it.

So on my way back, I will do a week-long stopover in Sudbury, until March 7th.  While there, we plan on doing a little side trip, maybe to Manitoulin Island.

Lord, give me the wisdom to make good decisions about relationships.  Amen.

That Same Panic...Again

I went skiing again with Michelle, and like last time, I had some kind of a panic attack where I had a hard time breathing.  I continued, but at a slower pace, and things seemed to be fine after that.  But I admit that terrifying thoughts about heart attacks are making their way into my mind when these attacks happen.

I've always considered myself to be comfortable with the idea of dying.  My faith in the afterlife instructs me to approach this topic with a sense of certainty, not in my worthiness of heaven, but in God's goodness.  But it's one thing to have a theological comfort about the afterlife, and quite a different to experience the vulnerability and fragility of life.

I've stopped swimming, in the meantime, probably as much because it's now cold enough to go skiing instead, as because I'm afraid of getting more panic attacks. 

7+ Hours

I thought our Christmas date was long.  That was 4+ hours.  But last night Daniela and I talked from around 9 until past 4am.  Happy New Year!

We talked about so many things: 

* our childhoods

* our backgrounds

* theology

* work

* french language

* disappointments

* vacationing

* weather

* spirituality

* post-colonianism (I'd never heard about this field of study until a month ago!)

We feel so close, and yet so far away...

New Year's Resolutions: fix my relationship with my family.  That has to be a priority.  Next year I have to be at home for Christmas.