One of the reasons I think walking the Camino is a good experience is because one spends so much time on the road, that one is bound to - consciously or unconsciously - reflect on one's life. And this time of self-reflection occurs not only as a result of spending time alone, but also (even more?) as a result of spending time with others, strangers, kindred spirits, pilgrims on the road of life.
Since returning from the Camino, I'm waking up to a "new" me, a new self-awareness is arising. And while new revelations are usually two-fold, positive and negative, it's the unpleasant revelations that are harder to deal with. Virtues and strengths are easy to accept because they are pleasing to the ego, but vices, shortcomings, and brokenness tear at the very heart of the ego and bring us back to "square one", so to speak. They challenge us to do the hard work of reconciliation and healing with ourselves, our neighbour, and God.
And that's exactly where I'm at. I'm looking in the "mirror", and am not entirely happy with what I see. I see that the image I try to portray to the world is in many ways not an authentic image. The front of happiness and having it all together is exactly that: a front. And I'm not entirely sure what to do, I'm not sure how to deal with this revelation. The only thing I can do for now is acknowledge it, and hope for further Revelation to move me forward.
Vocation: I've always envied those people who have since childhood known what they want to do with their lives. My friend James, for example, has known since he was a young boy that he wanted to be a Pastor. This awareness propelled him forward in his vocational trajectory with a comforting sense of purpose and direction. My dad is another example. After high school he went to school to be an electrician, and ever since, he's never doubted his vocation. As a result of their self-awareness, it seems to me, they have a sense of certainty and confidence in their identity that facilitates authenticity and genuiness of personhood in all aspects of life.
I lack this authenticity, this confidence. If I look at my vocational trajectory since graduation from university, I see a lack of focus: painting, administration, tourism, banking, human resources, information systems, teaching, materials handling, and pastoral care. And this is just experience. My educational trajectory is the same: business, physical education, computers, theology. All over the map.
While I feel that I'm on the verge of something positive vocationally, having finished clinical pastoral studies, I am nevertheless anxious not so much about the future (God will take care of things somehow), but about my identity. I can't help but think that I'm behind, in terms of identity formation, and consequently, I lack conviction and abound in indecision. One of the areas this indecision comes to light, for example, is real estate: I have yet to lay down roots and buy a place to call my own, and I'm near mid-life!
I realize that I'm describing this self-realization in negative terms, and that God "writes straight with our crooked lines". There are some positive aspects to my vocational trajectory that should not be left out. I'm quite flexible, for one thing. Theoretically, I can identify with many marketplace activities, because I've participated in many of them. In terms of practical skills, I can paint a house, I can hire, train, and fire someone; I can organize a department or home, and I can speak words of comfort and encouragement in times of great pain and disappointment. In God's economy, all of these skills are valuable.
But my tendency lately - perhaps it's a human tendency - is to focus on the negative aspects of myself. I see the things that I lack, rather than the goodness that abounds. Maybe this is because of the profound dissatisfaction, disappointment, even emptiness that I feel when I consider my brokenness. And these feelings of inadequacy affect my life, my interactions with the world around me, so they matter a great deal.
So what is the way forward? What next?
I am somewhat hopeful primarily because of the last 2 years, spent both in the classroom and at bedside. I sense a rightness in my direction that I have not sensed before. I don't know how this rightness will translate into personal fulfillment and financial stability, but I live with a sense of anticipation as to how this will materialize.
But it has to be said that since returning from Spain, my sense of hopefulness is quite often eclipsed by a sense of anxiety, anguish, and acedia. Except for the odd painting job for a friend or two, I'm not really working at the moment. The distant future may be bright in terms of clinical pastoral jobs in my city, but the short to medium term looks cloudy at best. I have too much time to think, and don't spend enough time actively engaged in the concrete matters of the world. I lack motivation and feel emotionally stagnant and disconnected. Even faith, family and friendships aren't providing the stable support that they have in the past.
I'm left, then, with a Revelation that cuts both ways. It's sobering, inviting me to see the brokenness within myself, and deal with it. It invites me to look in the mirror and see the demons within me which want to keep me from becoming fully human, which want to prevent my being formed more and more into the image of Jesus. It's a call to repentance.
On the positive side, God is inviting me to see the already good within me. God is at work deep inside me, even though it's not always evident. Truthfully, I feel distant and in many ways alienated from God, but His invitation to see the Good inside stands.
Both sides, the positive and the negative, are ultimately an invitation to further intimacy and union with Him.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have Mercy on me, a Sinner!
