The Day After

I really don’t feel like writing today, but it’s probably best I write something, if for no other reason than ‘tracking’ what’s going on in my head. Who knows, someday I’ll look back to today’s entry as a reference point or something. Perhaps there’s a lesson to be had in my state of mind today.

On the other hand, maybe it’s just good for me to let it out. We’ll call it self-therapy, catharsis.

Today I definitely hate myself.
Today I definitely want to cry.
Today I definitely feel wretched.
Today I definitely am broken.

Today I definitely need to repent of my sinfulness.
Today I definitely need to heal.
Today I definitely need grace.

The need I feel for God today is so much stronger, intense, than usual. While this is a good thing, I wish I felt this need more often. It would keep me humbler. It would keep me closer to the straight and narrow path.

I broke up with her yesterday. I am angry.

Lord Jesus Christ have Mercy upon me, a wretched sinner!

My Soul Waits For The Lord

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!

O Lord, hear my voice!

Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness,

that you may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in his word I hope;

My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning,

more than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD!

For with the LORD there is steadfast love,

and with him is plentiful redemption.

And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

_____

Psalm 130.

Currently Listening - August '05

Here's a CD I picked up earlier this week. AEK introduced me to the Gotan Project a few months ago. The musical genre is lounge tango. It's the tango response to bossa nova lounge music, made famous by St. Germain.

I like it because it mixes the traditional tango with modern suave beats and electronica samples.

Great for background music while relaxing, reading, or chillin'.

Favourite Song(s): vuelvo al sur, santa maría (del buen ayre).

Artist: Gotan Project
Album Title: La Revancha Del Tango
Produced: Ya Basta!, XL Recordings
Release: 2001

Who Is My Brother?

I read an interesting article today. In it the author asks the question "Is the Muslim my Brother?" Regarding Jesus, he says "Is he, as some theologians say, the western face of God, or is he, as others say, truly God incarnate." The author believes the latter.

However, it gets better. The author feels that "Muslims are Christians who simply don't know it yet - in other words, [they are] my brothers, for whom Christ also died." Essentially, he/she believes that all are saved, even without professing/confessing Christ as Lord: "You have been saved, whether you admit it or not - by Christ's precious blood at Calvary."

The obvious question then becomes 'What's the advantage of being a Christian?' His/her response: "[Christians] have an intimacy with God that others may lack. And certainly Christ's spirit in us makes us want to obey him willingly and joyfully - not as drudgery. No one else but Jesus could make me love everybody I meet.."

This is not the first time I have heard this line of argument. But does it stack up? On the positive side, it gets us away from the us and them rhetoric. It makes it easier to love and accept everyone - because we're all brothers and sisters, not only physically as God's creatures, but spiritually too. However, as attractive as it sounds, it does not deal adequately with Jesus' claims of exclusivity, and it definitely does not deal sufficiently with his claims about the reality of judgement, or hell, for that matter.

Either way, articles like these challenge me to love others, because Jesus DID die for all. They challenge me to follow Jesus' footstepts for the right reason, namely, that that he loved his creation - us - enough to give himself up for it, despite our rebellion against him. I follow Jesus because of the amazing example he sets in loving others, and the strength he provides, enabling us to also love others, NOT because of any negative consequences of not following him.

Interestingly, the author's name is only given as "MGB." Apparently he/she is afraid of being called a heretic - not by Muslims, but by Christians. This cracks me up, because usually when Christians write about Islam, they use pseudonyms for fear of persecution from Muslims, not Christians.

Anyways, it's an interesting read. It can be found here.

Another Toast!

Yesterday after work I went out for dinner with one of my best friends, CL. I rarely see her, and when I do, it's always in a group of people. But last night it was just the two of us, and it was grand.

There are very few women that can carry a good, intelligent, and fun conversation like she can.

In the span of 3 hours, we discussed the following topics:
* AEK (ie - relationships)
* F1 racing
* Travel journalism
* The church
* Sex (homosexuality, contraception, birthrates, and of course, we tried to answer the ever-so-important question: How do fat people have sex?)
* Politics (Canada, America, Israel/Palestine)
* Dating (more AEK)
* Book authors (from Dostoyevski to Uris to Weigel; from Friedmann to Kaplan to Feiler)
* Evangelicalism in North America (Televangelist Pat Robertson's statement that the US should assassinate President Chavez of Venezuela. Has he lost his mind? Can you take Scripture out of context THAT badly? Is this the role of the church - to tell the government who to 'take out'? Has he heard of the gospels? Is this what it means to "do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?")
* Islam, Judaism, Christianity
* Film
* Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie .. I know. Rather shallow .. but apparently women like talking about this sorta stuff. I was shocked!

How about another toast: to good friends, to good conversations.

Cheers!
Prost!
Salud!

100

This is the 100th post of my online diary. I'm content with how things have progressed to date. I'm enjoying putting my thoughts down 'on paper'. I'm getting to know myself better.

I propose a toast: to 100!
And many more!

Cheers!
Prost!
Salud!

Bittersweet

Today was the end of our summer soccer season. We had an awesome team this summer, winning 16 games, tying 1, and losing 2. We won the summer-league comfortably, outscoring our opponents by an average of 4 goals per game. I think we scored close to 70 goals in 19 games, and only had 15 goals scored against us.

That's the sweet part. Why the bitterness?

I hurt my knee again. Last Sunday (the same day I broke my toe), I also hurt my knee. Thank God, I didn't tear anything - I can walk, run, or even hike just fine. But I can feel that structurally something's wrong with it .. again. It's going to take some time to have it dealt with: 3 months to see a specialist, and then another three to have it arthroscoped. Frustrating .. angering .. sobering .. humiliating .. tyring.

I had planned to play in the upcoming winter leauge, but those plans have been kyboshed.

For the remainder of the summer, and into the winter, my sports routine will have to change. Hiking is still ok, but I will have to try and go swimming and/or working out in the gym.

Burnaby Sierra FC:















Talk about an international team! Top left: MR (midfield/forward, Poland), EB (midfield/forward, Brazil), DS (midfield, Fiji), PG (defense, Canada), MA (defense, Romania), YG (midfield/forward, Hong Kong), AHK (defense, Iran). Bottom left: DC (defense/midfield, Romania), AV (forward, Bulgaria), MF (goalkeeper/defense/midfield, India), AB (forward, Brazil), MK (midfield/forward, Iran), NJ (defense/midfield, Canada), FB (goalkeeper, Hungary), and Cub (midfield, Paraguay).

Missing from the picture: GS (defense/midfield/forward, Canada), XC (midfield/forward, Spain), HG (midfield/forward, Mexico), RA (forward, Brazil), and DC (defense, China).

After the game ... sushi!















From bottom left, clockwise: AV (Bulgaria), DC (Romania), MK (Iran), Cub (Paraguay), FB (Hungary), NJ (Canada), MR (Poland).

What I'll miss most about not playing futbol for the next 5-8 months is not the goals, the plays, the thrill of the game, but the friendships, the camraderie, the brotherhood. Nothing brings people together like sports. Nothing.

English Bay - Again

This time I went there for lunch, with LS, my ex-coworker @ Glenayre and 360networks.

I hadn't seen her in about 9 months. It's interesting how directions in life change. Since I quit my job @ 360, LS has accepted a job as a consultant for PeopleSoft, a very good company. Me? Well, I work part time as a contractor, and go to school full-time.

But we had a really good converstation. It was good to catch up with her. Afterwards, we went to Mondo Gelato for some ice cream (I had coconut and mango), and then we sat down at a bench and enjoyed a magnificent view of the bay.

Vancouver really is a lovely city:

English Bay

Today I went to Milestones at English Bay for dinner with CK, a girl I met through a Christian internet dating site. We actually met a year ago, in August. I met her in person then, before she headed off to China to teach at a high school. Throughout her time in China we stayed in touch by email and online chatting. But she returned home about a month ago, for vacation, and since then I'd met up for dinner with her once. So all in all, yesterday's dinner was the third time we'd seen each other in person.

It was good to see her. She's quite an attractive girl: beautiful, with amazing piercing eyes. But somehow we didn't connect so well. Well, it's not like we didn't connect. I think we were cautious, because we're both in a relationship at the moment.

But regardless, it was interesting spending time with the real person, rather than the person I know from online chats and emails.

Cars

Yesterday I dropped off my car to get some transmision work done on it, so while car-less, I've been hoofing it everywhere on foot - or bus, if necessary. Earlier today I walked to the bread store, as well as to the drug store, and a few other places. In all, I probably walked about 3 kilometers.

I did the same yesterday.

I'd like to get rid of my car. Walking and taking the bus is so good. It's a good way to stay (relatively) fit, and it's an even better way to stay 'in tune' with the city I live in. When I walk or take the bus, I can experience life in a way that I cannot experience when I drive, like:

* running into people going to/from work, shopping, or lunch;
* see what kind of books people read on the bus;
* read the latest pseudo-news on tabloid newspapers; or
* Smell the real city: cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, urine.

These are just a few scenarios which if I drive I could never experience. True, some of these things may be annoying to me, but how else can I connect with people? Connecting with someone while listening to the radio in the comforts of my car is .. well, impossible.

So, while it'd be quite difficult for me to get rid of my car right now, it's nevertheless a good goal; a goal which I'd like to work towards. One day, I hope to be able to get to everywhere I need to go either by walking or by taking the bus.

In the meantime .. I love my Volkswagen.

Say What?

The doctor asks: "When you pee, do you have a strong stream?"
I respond: "What?"
"When you pee, can you hit a spot three feet away?", he says.
"Yep", I proudly respond.

There are not many professionals that can get away with this line of questioning. Only doctors, and lawyers perhaps, but anyways, that's what my new doctor asked me when he gathered information about me, his new client. I wanted to get a checkup today, and since my old doctor has disappeared mysteriously, I had to find a new one.

The reason I went to the doctor was to get a checkup on my toe and knee.

On Sunday afternoon I was playing soccer, and this idiot inadvertently stepped on my pinky toe. It hurt, but it was bearable, so I continued to play for another 2 hours, until the end of the game. Monday I woke up, and I could barely walk.

Also, my knee's been hurting a lot lately - also from playing soccer.

Result of checkup: a broken toe, and knee-ligament laxity (ie - loose ligaments).
Doctor's Recommendation: No soccer for the next month. Bummer. Hiking is fine.

On Hold .. Holding On

The past few days have been quite stressful.

Thursday, 08.11.05: evening.
AEK came back from LA on Thursday night. After picking her up from the airport and having a quick dinner at her place, we both noticed that something wasn’t right between us, so we addressed it.

I told her that I had some serious doubts about our relationship. I told her that I felt distant from God and her. I told her that often times we’re not on the same wavelength. I told her that I didn’t think we had as much in common as I thought we did originally. I told her that she’s immature. Throughout it all, she looked at me with an understanding smile on her face. She didn’t cry. She’s so fu*$%ng strong.

She didn’t have much of a response at the beginning. But afterwards, she gave me a remarkably mature (!) response: “Well, don’t all couples have these issues? Isn’t this normal?” Quite right indeed!

But I think she was also being gracious, allowing me to get things off my chest. Deep down I think she thinks I take myself too serious. She's hinted at this before. And to her credit, she's right. I often times take myself too serious .. I'm too wrapped up in myself .. and I don't laugh at myself enough.

I told her that maybe taking a break from each other was a smart thing to do. She paused, then responded: “Married couples don’t take a break from each other.” What's that supposed to mean?

We prayed together, before I left for home.

Saturday, 08.13.05: afternoon, evening.
We met late afternoon, and took the bus to Stanley Park. There we had a lovely picnic she’d prepared: sandwiches, drinks, and cookies. She’s so thoughtful.

Then we saw a theatre/play, before heading to one of her friends’ place for an evening garden party.

A very good day.

Sunday, 08.14.05: evening.
We spoke on the phone. The conversation was very good, both of us sharing our thoughts and burdens. We extended much grace to one another.

While speaking on the phone, we decided to take a break from each other, to discern where we’re at and where God is leading us. For the next two weeks, we will not talk, email, call, or get-together. No contact whatsoever.

After the two weeks, we will share what we feel God is telling us.

My heart's heavy, saddened, and burdened.

10 Reasons I Like Summer

10 - Sun - I don't really mind the rain that much, but the sun DOES cheer me up.

9 - Long Days - The sun comes up early, and graces us with her presence well into the evening before disappearing beyond the horizon.

8 - BBQs - The smell of meat on the grill is just .. yummy.

7 - Iced Coffee - Hits the spot mid-afternoon, or early evening.

6 - Wife-Beaters - I can wear my camisillas without feeling like I'm showing off.

5 - Grouse Grind - Perhaps I'm a sucker for punishment.

4 - Walks - To the park, to the grocery store, to the bread store, to the video store.

3 - Balcony - Breakfasts in the sun, reading in the sun.

2 - Hammock - Reading, napping, meditating, talking on the phone.

1 - Futbol - playing soccer is SO much mor fun in the sun than in the rain.

The Weeping Camel

Last saturday I was complaining about the idiotic movies that are coming out of America nowadays. Well, today I made up for last week's debacle, and I rented a good movie, called The Story of the Weeping Camel.

It's a really neat story, set in the southern desert of Mongolia. A family of camel and sheep herders is placed in a difficult situation when one of their camels rejects her newborn. This rejection is due to a difficult birth, as well as a drastic difference in physical appearance between the colt and the mother: the colt is white, the mother is dark brown.

The movie is full of heartbreaking moments, as the family tries again and again to unite the camels: mother and colt.

Eventually, they fetch a musician from the city, and the combination of his stringed instrument and the beautiful singing of one of the female family members results quite literally, in tears. The camels wail and weep dramatically, and by the end of the song they are reunited.

The mother nurses the child, signifying final acceptance, and the colt gladly accepts.

Besides the story of the camel, the movie also provides an insightful window into Mongolian Nomadic life. As one review said: "All of this is told in a narrative that is not a cute true-life animal tale, but an observant and respectful record of the daily rhythms and patterns of these lives. We sense the dynamics among the generations, how age is valued and youth is cherished, how the lives of these people make sense to them in a way that ours never will, because they know why they do what they do, and what will come of it. The causes and effects of their survival are visible, and they are responsible."

Pfefferminzkuchen

I remember as a child I used to always eat Pfefferminzkuchen (peppermint cookies).

As I grew older I stopped eating them, so mom stopped baking them.

In recent months I've rediscovered the lecker (delicious) taste of the cookies again, as mom's been baking them and sharing them with me.

Here is what they look like:

Microwave Culture

I often hear people say that “God is working in you”. Equally often, I feel like responding “Yes, but why doesn’t it seem like that”.

I think the reason I want to respond that way is because I like the dramatic: the phenomenal, the momentous, the fantastic. And more than that, I want it fast: immediately, now.

The problem is that God doesn’t work that way. No. That’s wrong. That’s not the problem. The problem is that I want God to work that way. But as someone told me once, God is the God of slow, not fast. God’s at work in us, but while we may not be able to see the changes on a daily basis, when looking at ourselves over a longer timespan, we’d be able to see the changes. And yes, the changes we see in ourselves are phenomenal and fantastic.

Case in point: my friend KR. Three years ago I met her, and we co-led a group in our Discover Christ course at church. She’d become a Christian just a few months earlier, and now she wanted to help others in their journey of discovery.

Over the past few years I’ve really seen her mature in her walk with God. She’s become completely involved in our church, specifically the Evening Service Committee and the prayer ministry.

This past Sunday I ran into her at church. She had a noticeable beam of joy around her. I asked her why she had such a big grin on her face, and she told me that over the past few months God had made it increasingly clear that he was preparing her for church ministry, and in response to this she’d quit her job, enrolled at Regent, as well as the Artizo ministry training program at our church.

Pause. I said "Pardon?" My jaw just about dropped to the floor.

I was really encouraged by her brief but powerful story. God is at work within us. It may not always seem like it, but that’s only because we live in a here/now culture: we want results, and we want them without further delay, right here, right now. But if we're patient to wait upon the Lord, he will reveal to us what he has in store for us.

I’m hungry. I’m gonna go and nuke my dinner in the microwave.

Time Alone

I'm really enjoying 'being alone' while AEK's in LA. I don't miss her that much.

I can do what I want to, when I want to, however I want to, and for whatever reason I want to.

I don't need to ask anyone for permission, think about whether it's appropriate or not, or give a report afterwards.

I can't help but think that relationships aren't supposed to be like this. I feel trapped, caged, tied up. Four more days until she returns.

Purpose, Parks, Preaching & Paranoia

Today was a nearly perfect day, because I spent most of it alone.

The day began with mate, that South American weed-like-looking jungle drink. Shortly afterwards, I had breakfast: corn flakes with two pieces of buttered-toast.

For the remainder of the morning I read G. K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Here's a little teaser, relating to his discovery that the world has a creator who acts willfully, purposefully:

"A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separatetly, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore." (70)

Early in the afternoon I went for a jog at a park just around the corner from my place. I ran 15 laps, about 3km. It was gloriously warm! I love this warm weather!

Late afternoon I went to mass at a tiny little catholic church with my friend DL. The sermon was actually pretty good, but generally speaking, it seems to me that the strength of the Catholic church lies in the liturgy and eucharist, not in the preaching. After church we went for dinner.

Finally, in the evening I went out and rented a movie: The Manchurian Candidate. I'm so sick of American Hollywood movies. I can't think of another nation on earth as self-consumed and paranoid as our neighours to the south. I guess that's the cost of being a global superpower. I rarely watch movies nowadays because after watching them I inevitably ask myself why I fill my head with such garbage.

Rugby Club

Tonight was boys night out, w/ RS, EW, PC, and MB.

After a long day of work, we met at the Rugby Club for a good dinner. It was good to see the guys again: conversation was light, beer was cheap, and the food was good.

I had two Stellas, Szechuan green beans, and pasta with a pesto sauce. I've heard others say that the food there is excellent .. and they were right.

Aside from the good company, food, and drink though, the highlight of the evening was probably our waitress. My gosh .. she was stacked. And gorgeous too. I think she was Italian. I'm convinced that we probably spent double the amount we would have spent had she been just average. I know that I would only have ordered one beer, but for her beautiful and convincing .... uhm, words.

Boys. Guys. Men. We're so shallow. I love it.

Airport, Work, & Futbol

Here's what I did today.

5am - drove AEK to the airport. She went home to LA for her grandfather's funeral. After I came back from the airport I went back to bed and slept a little while longer.

8am - made myself a delicious cup of coffee: San Agustin Colombian Estate, from Second Cup Coffee.

9:20am - arrived at work. Today was our second day on our upgraded version of PeopleSoft. The latest version (8.8) is so much better than the first generation internet based ERP system we had at 360networks.

12pm - lunch: beef stew with mashed potatoes and sauteed vegetables.

12:20pm - back to work.

3pm - coffee break with AL. Had an iced-Americano.

3:15pm - back to work.

4:30pm - finished work. Today was actually a really busy work day. Got lots done, it felt good.

6pm - played futbol. We played against Integ, and won 5-1. I'm getting older and slower, but I'm still a fighter, and I never quit. And the odd time like tonight I even amaze myself by scoring a beautiful goal. :-D Our team is so ridiculously good it's almost unfair. We've won 13 out of 15 games. The other 2 games were a tie and a loss. We score an average of 4 goals per game, and we rarely give up more than one goal.

10pm - AEK called from LA. She seems to be holding up fine with her family.

Explosion De Grasa

Today was a lovely sunny day. Actually, the past 3 weeks have been lovely & sunny! But what made today special was that it was a holiday .. BC Day.

I was supposed to go hiking in Chilliwack with AJ&CL & AEK, but things didn't work out. AJ called me at 6:21am (yes, when someone calls me THAT early, I remember the exact time!!), to tell me that C was sick with a kidney infection. They'd spent the entire night at the hospital, and were not up to a hike. Sad news...

I decided to wait until 8am to call & tell AEK that we weren't going hiking. Upon calling her I found out that her grandfather had passed away last night. More sad news...

This had all the signs of a terrible day. I went back to sleep until 11:30.

In the afternoon I went to pick up AEK, and we went to Rocky Point Park in Port Moody. To be honest, I didn't really want to go. I wanted to hang out on my hammock at home and relax, but I knew that AEK needed extra care on this day, so I went along with her suggestion.

In retrospect, I'm glad we went, because we enjoyed ourselves there. We went for a 5km walk through the forest, and along the lake. Afterwards, we came back and bought some yummy ice-cream, and then we had some fish & chips for dinner.

Dinner was great .. but greasy. Afterwards, I felt so stuffed. I was ready to explode. It would have been an explosion de grasa (grease explosion). Thank goodness, no explosion occurred.

After arriving back at my apartment, we were both exhausted, and took a nap. She on my couch, and I on my hammock.