Friday, February 07, 2014

Going To See Genie!

Confirmed: I'm going to the Abierto de Mexico in Acapulco with my wonderful friends Ruth and Marty.  They got tickets for us for the first 3 rounds, Feb. 24-26.

The players competing there are, amongst others, Andy Murray, David Ferrer, and of course, Genie Bouchard.

So the first few days of my trip are set:
* Feb 21: travel; arrive in Mexico City; stay at Ruth and Marty's
* Feb 22: meet up with Tati and Ruben; go to Pumas-America fĂștbol game @ Azteca Stadium
* Feb 23: open
* Feb 24: travel to Acapulco with Ruth and Marty; tennis from 4pm-midnight
* Feb 25: sun, sun, sun; tennis
* Feb 26: sun, sun, sun; tennis
* Feb: 27: open
* Feb 28: meet up with Tati and Ruben in Acapulco?
* Mar 1: more Acapulco?

After March 1st the calendar's still open.  I'll likely spend a few days in Cuernavaca with Tati and Ruben, before heading back to Mexico City.  There's also a possibility of going to Chiapas with Ruth and Marty and visit some coffee plantations there.

I'm full of anticipation!

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Stay Or Go?

I spoke with my mentor this morning.  Troubles at work keep finding me, so he's suggesting I apply for a position that's opening up in Saskatoon.  He's not the only one who's suggested that.  Others, too, have suggested that moving to a place like Regina or Saskatoon would not only be good for my career (I had a hard time writing that word, since I've been using the language of vocation since arriving here), but also for my social life.

Plus, my friend Eric's moving there too - at least one familiar face.

I told him I'd think about it.  My goal was to stay in the Jaw for 2 years, but if things keep going the way they are I may burn out before the 2-year mark.

I like the thought of living in a bigger place.  More people.  More things to do.  More singles(!).  More of everything: variety.  As much as I like to idealize the "small town" lifestyle, I think I'm ultimately an urban dweller.  You can take me out of the city, but you can't take the city out of me...

Ultimately, I'm realizing that Vancouver will probably always be home, even if I don't live there.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

A Little Church ... In Winter

In October I went hiking in BP, and on the way there came across this lovely little church, out in the middle of nowhere.  Two days ago I went snowshoeing at the same place, and on my way there, took pictures of the same little church.  The contrast is striking:







In the last picture above, I noticed that a new gravestone's been added since October.

Monday, February 03, 2014

More Reading .. Hopefully

I didn't read that much growing up, but during my seminary years I not only gained an appreciation for reading, I actually began to love it, and nourished healthy reading habits.

Until 2013.

Last year I only read 9 books.  Compare this with previous years:

2008: 12 books.
2009: 17.
2010: 19.
2011: 26!
2012: 20.

Reading started to drop off in 2012.  And then in 2013 it crashed.

2013 was a horrible year, there's no doubt about it; probably beating out 2001 by a hair, to take the 'worst year of my life' prize.  And I'm pretty sure that my drop in reading is directly connected to the bad spell I was going through.  I just couldn't be bothered to make the effort.  What's the point.  It's all going to hell in a hand basket anyways.  Despondence.  Acedia.

If this theory is correct, then I think it's fair to hope that this year will be a year where I do more reading.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Bought My Tickets!!!!

I'm going to Mexico!!!  I'm going to Mexico!!!

Friday, Feb. 21, 9:50am: Regina - Vancouver.
1:55pm: Vancouver - Mexico City.

Monday, March 10, 6:05am: Mexico City - Vancouver.
1:45pm: Vancouver - Regina.

Marty, Ruth, Ruben, y Tati: ya vengo, ya vengo!  Nos vemos pronto!!!

Friday, January 31, 2014

Personality

So I did a personality test at work today.  Apparently I'm an INFJ:

Slightly intravert, as opposed to extravert.
Moderately intuitive, as opposed to sensing.
Slightly feeling, rather than thinking.
Very clearly judging, not perceiving.

I'm not surprised about the INJ, piece, but I am surprised about being a feeler rather than a thinker.  I'm disapponted!

I'm actually not sure how I feel about personality tests in general.  On the one hand, they do seem to point out general ways of being and behaving.  I found answering the questions interesting and fun.  I also learned something about myself in the process I think.

But, can they tell us who we are.  Are they nuanced enough to deal with the complexity of the human experience?  One of my coworkers, for example, in going over the test, said that s/he "had to change personality in order to pursue his/her career", so, that being the case, what's the point of even doing such a test, if we're not meeting the "real" person anyways? 

And also, are personality tests not culturally biased?  I know that people from all over the world have taken personality tests, but have they been done in places where thinking is not predominantly western?  For example, would someone from a collectivist point of view not look at the questions in these tests and think them strange and unrealistic?  Could they identify with such individualistic, autonomous, even atomistic perspectives?  I have my doubts...

Anyways, we also talked about conflict resolution.  The following paradigm was presented:

There are more or less 4 kinds of people: peacemakers, reflectors/observers, champions, and organizers.

Peacemakers like harmony and consensus, and always work towards achieving them.  That's me.
Observers are quiet and don't say much; they stay out of trouble, but are thoughtful, and have an opinion, if asked.
Champions are those who find causes, particularly injustices, and fight for them.
Organizers are, well, organizers: they plan, they coordinate, and do it very well.

The trouble is, however, that we don't always know how to appropriately use our gifts, and so, when that happens, our strengths actually become our weaknesses:

A peacemaker who wants peace at all costs becomes an accommodator: a people pleaser,  whatever causes the least friction.  Again, that's me.
Observers become cave dwellers, when things go wrong: they withdraw, lose interest, "check out".
Champions become annihilators: my way or the highway.
Organizers become controllers: micromanagers, untrusting.

One my colleagues perceived her/himself to be an observer and organizer.  I find this hard to believe.  S/he's clearly a champion gone awry.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dinner With Rick

I had dinner with Rick tonight, my previous boss.

Man do I miss him!

He was probably too lax as a manager, but my goodness, is he ever a likeable person!

God, bless him!

Monday, January 27, 2014

Gingerless

A memorable weekend; but for all the wrong reasons...

I just arrived back from Winnipeg this afternoon around 6pm, having been storm stayed there overnight.  I never thought this would happen, but I can now say that I've slept in a Motel 6!  I left the windy city around 2pm, but by the time I got to the edge of the city not 30 minutes later, travelling on the #1 was virtually impossible.  The wind was fierce, a whiteout was on, the gates were brought down to block highway access, and a police patrol car was parked in front of it.  There was no way I'd get through...

I promptly turned back and went to a restaurant for a drink, hoping that the wind would subside, but by the time 5pm rolled around the wind showed no signs of letting up, and the road was as blocked as ever.  I checked into the motel, texted my friend Alison, my staff member, and my boss, letting them know that I wouldn't be at work today.  Yay .. sort of, I guess.

Instead of driving I watched tennis on tv.  I read.  I had intentions to go to the hot tub for a bit, but my willpower lost out to the soft feel of my bed.   I became pensive.  I thought, and I thought a lot.

My soul was heavy because a few hours ago I'd told gingersnaps that I didn't think we were a good fit.  Somehow, over the past few weeks, my interest in her dropped dramatically, and consequently, calling things off just felt like the right thing to do.  Our time together the past few days were amicable but distant, a shocking 180 degree turn for me, from a short month ago when I couldn't get enough of her smile and her voice.  I didn't think this would happen.  I even bought a damn cellphone to keep in touch with her (what do I do with it now!).  This, after resisting the pressure to "get connected" for close to 10 years!
 
I'm not devastated.  Actually, I listened to my gut feeling and acted accordingly, and I take that as a good thing.  My gut is most often right.  I am relieved and at peace now.

But I'm troubled by my fickleness and indecision.  And I'm troubled by the pain that I've caused to a very good woman.

While there this past weekend, we went snowshoeing, and had dinner together with her friends.  The highlight, of all things, was a trip to an Italian deli store, where I spent $80 on cheese, prosciutto, sausages, alfredo sauce, focaccia bread, balsamic vinegar, and coffee.

So there it is.  Three trips to the windy city, and now I'm back to square one.

I can't wait to vacation in Mexico....

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Happy 72nd!

I hope your birthday is filled with joy, mom!  I love you very much.  Now if you would only slow down, kick up your feet, and relax a little more.  We want to keep you with us for at least another 20!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Inspiring Genie

I love sports.  Particularly team sports, like fĂștbol, a sport I've followed pretty much since the day I was born.  Olimpia is stamped in my DNA.  Olimpia flows through my veins.  And Paraguay.  And España.  And Roma.  And Bayern MĂŒnchen.

But I like individual sports too.  Tennis, for example, is a sport I've followed much of my life.  I remember the Jimmy Connors and Stefan Edberg days.  For the past 15 years I've followed the sport on and off.  Perhaps my attention was elsewhere, or maybe I just lost interest, but I think it's possible that there wasn't really a player that captivated my imagination or attention.  Actually with the likes of Nadal, Djokovic, and Federer, it's hard to justify that last statement, but nevermind.

But my interest in the sport has returned.

Canada has some up-and-coming players, like Milos Raonic and Vasek Pospisil (very Canadian-sounding, I know!).  But nevermind the men.  It's Eugenie Bouchard who's captured my heart.

At 19, she's young, athletic, and mentally tough beyond her years.  Oh and yes, her beauty should probably also be mentioned...

She's been playing well and turning heads at this year's Aussie Open.  Although she lost today in the semi-finals, she has a bright future.  Going forward, I will watch tennis more often.

I'm a fan. I need to find out where to sign up for the Genie Army.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Less The Better

 I try to avoid doctors and dentists as much as I can.  Having someone poke around my body or drill through my teeth is not something I consider pleasant nor desirable.  Here's a clear scenario where less is more: the less I see them, the better.

Nevertheless, now that I have work benefits (thank you Lord!!!), it's time to have some of this work done.  So...

...last week I went to the dentist; had a teeth cleaning (all ok, no cavs), my first one in 2 years or so.  Found a good dentist, I think, based on my church deacon's recommendation.  One of my fillings is deteriorating, so I need to come back in 2 weeks' time to have it re-done.  Pricetag so far: $400.  Add another $300 in 3 weeks' time.  Again, thank God for work benefits!

Today I went to the doctor.  My first doctor appointment in years.  I'm considering having the growth on my cheek removed.  It's not cancerous, but it is growing, and increasingly noticeable, so I hope to deal with it.  I will see a specialist in 3 weeks' time.  With any luck I will have it surgically removed before my trip to Mexico in mid-February.  I will also have a physical examination done within the next month.

I've been in search for a family physician for a long time, and as long as I stay in the Jaw, he will probably remain my doctor.  He's from Egypt, and to my delight, he is a Coptic Christian!  What fun conversation possibilities!!!!

He had a plaque on his wall, with the following prayer.  It's called the Physician's Prayer:

Lord, Who on earth didst minister
to those who helpless lay
In pain and weakness, hear me now
As unto Thee I pray.

Give to mine eyes the power to see
The hidden source of ill,
Give to my hand the healing touch
The throb of pain to still.

Grant that mine ears be swift to hear
The cry of those in pain;
Give to my tongue the words that bring
Comfort and strength again.

Fill Thou my heart with tenderness
My brain with wisdom true,
And when in weariness I sink,
Strengthen Thou me anew.

So in Thy footsteps may I tread,
Strong in Thy strength alway,
So may I do Thy blessed work
And praise Thee day by day.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

XC Skiing @ White Butte

Finally I got to test my new skis!!!  I'm hooked .. I wanna go again!!!!!!

The first hour was hard though, as I was trying to get used to the motion, and my muscles, especially my ankles, were getting sore.

But, another gorgeous day out.  This time even warmer than last week, and sunny, clear skies.

Below are a few pictures, including some of the great people I have the privilege of exploring the outdoors with.

Afterwards, a few of us went to, where else, East Side Mario's.  Their chicken parmigiana is becoming a staple meal for me.

Next up: snowshoeing in Winnipeg next weekend.





Saturday, January 18, 2014

A Day Spent Painting

I painted all day today, from 9am - 4pm.  

I finished my 3rd painting....



...and began my 4th one.


No, that's not a beach, it's a pathway....

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Restless

The plan a few weeks ago was to go to Winnipeg for a few days in mid-February, before heading down to Mexico.  But I'm having second thoughts.  I may skip Winnipeg.

I've been thinking lots about walking the Camino again.  Maybe September timeframe.

But that would mean I cut my trip to Mexico short by a good 3-5 days, so I can tack those vacation days on to my trip to Spain.

Why do I want to walk so badly?

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Church, Lectio, And Skiing

Got up in the morning and went to church, the first time I've gone since before Christmas.

Afterwards I went to my usual spot to do some writing.  Two cups of coffee and a good italian veggie panini got me going...

Around 4pm I noticed that it was sunny and quite mild outside, only around -12, so I packed my stuff, raced home, got out my ski gear and headed to Wakamow.  But by the time I made it out on the track it was close to 5, the sun was going down, and the wind was picking up, so it wasn't quite as pleasant as I thought it would.  The snow was crusty too, presumably from the wind the past few days.

I'm going to Winnipeg again in two weeks' time. But my mindframe is not a good one.  Lord have mercy.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Snowshoeing @ Echo Valley

It was a perfect day for being outdoors today.  -15, almost no wind, the odd snowflake coming down, gorgeous.

The only thing I wish I'd done different is gone skiing instead of snowshoeing.  Not that I don't like snowshoeing, but earlier this week I picked up my new cross country skis, and I am full of anticipation in trying them out.


We did about 9kms or so, which doesn't sound like much compared to our summer hikes, but the snow was (once again!) - perfect, meaning, light and fluffy.  This meant though, that I sank about 25cms or so into the snow every step that I took, even with snowshoes on.  In other words, it was very hard work today to cover the distance that we did.  Good thing I dressed in layers, because I was sweating profusely...




I invited my good buddy Corby from work today, who in the picture below is second from the left.  Oddly enough, though, while most others are facing the camera for the picture, he seems to be busy texting; yes, texting.  Maybe he didn't get the memo: no texting allowed while snowshoeing!



Towards the end of our excursion, we came across a hut.  It had a fireplace and firewood, which John, well-prepared as always, promptly lit with the box of matches (!) he'd brought along.  Thanks John!


After we finished, Corby and I went out for lunch at East Side Mario's.  Veal parmigiana for me with penne and a rosĂ© sauce.  Garlic tomato soup for starters.  And bread, too, loads of bread, like 4 (small) loaves.

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Trip Prep

Going to Mexico in a few weeks' time, so this morning I went to get a picture taken, and afterwards I dropped by the local passport office to have my passport renewed.

On February 20th I will preach at the memorial service at my work place.

Then, the next morning I may either go to Winnipeg for a few days before heading south, or I may head south directly and then go to Winnipeg on my day back.  Not sure yet.

My time in Mexico will be interesting, as it's my first trip there alone, although I will meet with the usual suspects once there: Ruth and Marty, as well as Tati and Ruben.  If I'm lucky I might get a few days at the beach, but the majority of my time will be spent at DF.

Monday, January 06, 2014

Flight

This afternoon at 5 I flew back to the prairies.



It was sunny and +7C in Vancouver.

It's  windy and -37C in Moose Jaw.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Hugh's Advice

I shared portions of my conversation with Sanjit a few days ago with Hugh, and his advice was categorical and to the point: "Gotta leave the past behind, my friend.  What's done is done."

Went for breakfast with Hugh, then for a hike, and then returned to Abbotsford.  My time in this city is done.  Back in the summer...





Saturday, January 04, 2014

Lewis On Reading History

I didn't grow up paying attention to much of history.  After all, history was full of wretched wickedness, exemplified most acutely by those 1500 years between the ascension of Christ and that other saviour, Martin Luther, or in my family's case, Menno Simons.

It was only when I attended seminary that my view of history was redeemed.  It was there where I discovered the likes of C. S. Lewis, who thought that history, and particularly, historical literature, has a lot to teach us today.

I received a biography of Lewis for Christmas, and was delighted to find a chapter on the place and purpose of literature in it, and will jot down some thoughts and quotes gleaned from it.  The biography was written by Alister McGrath.  Lewis' quotes are in italics.  My favourite of all the quotes is bolded.

* older literature is important for us because it challenges our "chronological snobbery", the idea that current literature (and therefore, current ideas) is inevitably superior to that of the past

* reading literature of the past gives us a critically distant standpoint from our own era; it allows the past to speak into the present, to see "the controversies of the moment in their proper perspective"

* "The reading of old books enables us to avoid becoming passive captives of the spirit of the Age by keeping 'the clean sea breeze of the centuries blowing through our minds.'"

* new books are still on trial, in a sense, because they have not stood the test of time; we are as of yet not in a position to judge its veracity

* "Since we cannot read the literature of the future, we can at least read the literature of the past, and realize the powerful implicit challenge that this makes to the ultimate authority of the present.  For sooner or later, the present will become the past, and the self-evident authority of its ideas will be eroded - unless that authority is grounded in the intrinsic excellence of those ideas, rather than their mere chronological location."

* "We need intimate knowledge of the past.  Not that the past has any magic about it, but because we cannot study the future, and yet need something to set against the present, to remind us that the basic assumptions have been quite different in different periods and that much which seems certain to the uneducated is merely temporary fashion."

* My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through those of others. . . In reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself.  Like the night sky in the Greek poem, I see with a myriad eyes, but it is still I who see."

* literature enables us to "see with other eyes, to imagine with other imaginations, to feel with other hearts, as well as with our own."

* literature challenges us as much as it informs us: "Insisting that the text conform to our own presuppositions, to our way of thinking, is to force it into a mould of our own making, and deny it any opportunity to transform, enrich, or change us.  Reading texts is about "entering fully into the opinioins, and therefore also the attitudes, feelings and total experience" of others.  Plato called this psychagogia, an enlargement of the soul."

All quotes are taken from C S Lewis: A Life, by Alister McGrath, pages 186-189.

Friday, January 03, 2014

Cat's Meow

Now this is a dinner:


It's the schnitzel and sausage special, at Cafe Katzenjammer, my 2nd favourite restaurant in Vancouver (my favourite, of course, is Al Watan).  It comes with two sides, of which which I picked red cabbage and fries.  I mean look at the food: it's gorgeous!

The beer's pretty good too (although the Hacker-Pschorr brand's better):


I went to the Cat's Meow (Katzenjammer) for dinner tonight, with Sanjit.  We had a good heart to heart conversation, the kind that are sometimes difficult to have, but always helpful.  Difficult, because they bring out some things that are hard to talk about, and yet helpful, because in talking about them, we learn and grow.

The conversation began with a simple question posed by him.  It had to do with my past love.  What happened to her?  What happened with her?  This is a question that I have yet to broach with my west coast friends.  It's just too painful.  And yet, it's an entirely appropriate question, and I applaud his courage in asking it.

I responded that I would give him a short response, after which I'd change the topic and move on.  We ended up talking about this issue for over an hour.  Not my idea of a short response.

I'd made it my goal on this trip not to see 杚 静 æ€Ą, and I'm determined to make it stick.  My past 3 trips here have ended in agony because of the emotional earthquake that seeing her gives rise to.  And to date I've done alright on this trip.  I've thought about her, but haven't been tempted to call.  But the conversation this evening set off feelings similar - although not nearly as intense - as seeing her on previous occasions has.  Some of the things we talked about I will ponder for the remainder of my time here.  In a way I feel that hope has sprung alive again.  Can't explain it.  And this, even though the content of our conversation did not lead towards or warrant such hope.  And yet, against hope, I hope.


Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Happy (Quiet) New Year!

I spent a quiet evening with Heinz, Melanie, Ralph and Derek this evening.

We ate a meal, played some board games, and had a nice conversation.

Heinz got out a bottle of cider.  Made in Argentina, but not La Farruca.

Ralph was tired before 10pm and went to bed.

Derek lasted a lot longer, but went to bed before midnight.  He was very happy to hang out with the adults.  He has a kind heart.  He just needs to be pointed in the right direction.

I wish Terence'd been there too, but he went to a party at his church.

At midnight we raised a glass.  Salud.  Feliz año nuevo.

Shortly after midnight I dropped in at Ted and Karin's and caught up with them too.  They'd invited a few friends from church, so the atmosphere there was more lively.

We raised a few more glasses; this time of wine, not cider.   Salud.  Feliz año nuevo.

The kids were there too.  Hot tub.  Video games.  Movies.

Around 3am I came home.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Strangely At Home

Crossing the Port Mann bridge on the 26th and the 27th on my way to lunch with friends elicited a strange feeling, a sort of homecoming feeling.  This is strange, since almost exactly a year ago I was so fed up with this city that I was certain it was time to leave, and not sure if I'd ever return.

Do I miss the west coast?

Do the drawbacks of this city weigh less than the woes I experience at work?

Have I healed enough?  Am I ready to return?

What about Winnipeg.  What about gingersnaps?


Monday, December 30, 2013

Quality Time ... at $500 A Day!

I took 6 of my 8 nephews/nieces to Manning Park today.  Neal, Dylan, Terence, and Derek represented the boys.  Priscilla and Natasha represented the girls.  Tanis is long out of the nest so she doesn't attend events with "uncle Ed" any longer.  In fact, she's in Hawaii with Jason!  Ralph, on the other hand, is not physically able to participate in such rigorous activities.  At least not yet.

The two girls and Derek skied, while the rest of the boys chose snowboarding.  Except for Neal, all of them needed equipment rental, and in addition, Derek and Terence chose to take some lessons too.  So, $500+ later, everyone was happy.  My goodness, it must be expensive to have children of your own.  $500 for a day on the mountain!!!  Take up hiking kids .. it's much cheaper and much more beneficial for you in the long run!

Ted came along too, which was nice, because it meant that we could sit in the lodge and sip hot cocoas while the young ones were out there freezing their buns off.  Ted worked on his laptop.  I read Laruen Winner.  Finished the book, actually.  It's a good read, and relevant for me, because she talks about the "mid-life" crisis of faith.

Anyways, below are some pictures.  Unfortunately I didn't get pics of everyone.  But at least Derek and Terence are accounted for.





Sunday, December 29, 2013

A Family Christmas

Usually when I travel to the west coast I spend as much time with friends as with family.  But this Christmas I decided to spend most of my time with family, and this for a variety of reasons, the most significant of which is that family's been there for me in the most trying times of my life.

This happened in 1996-7, 2001-2, and again this year, 2012-3.  Each of these years were filled with loneliness and despair for me, but even though I was physically separate from family, particularly parents, it was they who checked in with me on a regular basis, listening to my stories, encouraging me to get up again after falling.  And my goodness, the number of hours they've prayed for me, it's simply astonishing...

This is not a knock on my friends, many of whom have been there for me at various points when I needed them: Nathan in 1996-7, Rudy in 2001-2, and more recently, David.  And my response to these friends has not always been in kind, either.  I'm pretty sure I've let all 3 of these fine friends just listed down when they perhaps needed me.  No, this is not a criticism against friends - they have their own battles to fight - it's just an acknowledgment that family is important, because when it matters, they're there for me.

Another reason is that friendships seem to be in transition at the moment.  Nathan, Rudy, and David are now all married, and have their own priorities.  On the other hand, my Latin American friends are either no longer living in Vancouver, are vacationing elsewhere, have married, or have moved on to other social circles.  Sadly, I don't even have any friends at my church.  I shot myself in the foot the past 7 years by attending a 7:30am service I guess (who else attends liturgy at such an outrageously early time?), but that was the only service I felt at home in.

Finally, even though 杚 静 æ€Ą's no longer in the picture of my life, she still presents a significant challenge to me being in Vancouver.  Some of my friends are also hers, and that makes getting together tricky.  So many memories of Vancouver involve her, too, that it's hard to even get close to city limits without her image looming largely in the eye of my mind.  Perhaps Gingersnaps can help change this, but this is yet to be seen.




This afternoon I went to my cousin Richie's wedding.  The reception was held at the Sutton Place hotel, but before going to it I went to Canada Place with mom and dad, and Ted and Karin.  I took these pictures there.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

First Call

Today gingersnaps and I talked for the first time since my arrival to Abbotsford.  4 days: the longest stretch since meeting her in mid-November.

It was nice to hear her voice.

But it seemed to me there was some distance evident.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Feasts With Friends

Food and friends, or should I say, food with friends: it hardly gets better than that...

Dec. 26: lunch with Jun
I hadn't seen Jun for almost 2 years, and in fact, we'd barely been in touch during that time, so to see him and eat a good meal with him was very special.  We ate Pakistani (lunch special!), at my favourite place on Fraser Street.



What a journey he's been on, I mean really!  From the Philippines as a priest to a monastery in Europe.  Then to Vancouver as a CPE student, and to Edmonton for a residency.  Now, feeling called to go and live in a monastery in Ontario but being told to remain in Vancouver.

Here's a man who in a sense epitomizes dying to self (Luke 9:23-24).  A gentle soul, a committed disciple, and perhaps most of all, someone who is open to push the boundaries and paradigms of the church, while refusing to give up on her and remaining within her.


Dec. 27: lunch with James and family
Two days in a row at my favourite restaurant!  This time, with James, Rosanna, and little Katie Marie.  And once more, Khalid proved himself to be the kind of host that's made him legendary: kind, open, funny, and hospitable.  At the end when we went up to the front to pay for our meal, he says to us with his usual smile (almost grin): "It's on me.  Merry Christmas.  Happy New Year."

James and Rosanna seem to be doing well.  It's been around 3 years now, since James began pastoring.  I always find our get-togethers encouraging and challenging at the same time.  He challenges my theological and spiritual views, but in a way that builds up.  He strengthens my faith in God.  After spending an hour or two with him, I always feel closer to God.


Dec. 27: dinner with Sanjit, Vero, and Karma
As if a lunch at Al Watan wasn't enough, 5 hours later I found myself at the Spaghetti Factory in New West, ordering dinner.  Add a second kilo to my weight gained in the past week...

Sanjit, Vero, Karma and I were originally planning to meet for dinner on Commercial Drive, but logistically it just ended up making more sense for us to go to the burbs.  

It was really good to see them.  We talked a lot about the soccerinos, and how the make-up of the group has changed.  Many people, including me, have moved on - physically to other places, or vocationally to other jobs or getting married.  For me, talking about the group in this way - almost as though it's a thing of the past - made me sad.  A part of me wants to say that once you have established solid friendships, you build your life around them, rather than the other way around, building our lives around our jobs.  But I'm coming to know that this is definitely naive or idealistic thinking.

All I know is that I have "tasted" good friendship, and to see it "wasted" like this not only makes me sad, it leaves me empty, with a sort of longing.  Maybe it's the kind of longing that will only be satisfied once I'm in heaven, standing side by side with my brothers and sisters who make up the "cloud of witnesses" (Hebrews 12:1-2).


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Finally!

I'm in Abbotsford, and am looking forward to 12 days of rest!!!

I finished off my work project mid-afternoon yesterday, and even had time to crack a joke or two with some of the staff at work before heading out.  Wish that happened more often...

At 4:30pm I ate dinner in Regina.  Afterwards, gingersnaps was kind enough to drive me to the airport and see me off.

I arrived in Abbotsford at 11pm, and was really glad to see dad at the airport.

I went straight to Ted's, where the Christmas Eve celebrations were still going strong.

Finally, at around 2:30am, I called it a day and went to bed.  I fell asleep in about ... oh .. I'd say, 10 seconds or so.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Relief

Finally Christmas is upon us.  I say finally, because the last 2 months have been excruciating in terms of work.  I've never worked so hard, under such horrible conditions, and with so little appreciation coming back my way.  But it's almost done.  Tomorrow is Christmas Eve: I will work until around 3, head to Regina for dinner, and then off to the west coast for Christmas.

Gingersnaps arrived in Regina a few days ago, and since then we've been spending a good deal of time together.  On Saturday morning I cancelled my spiritual direction session and visited with her instead.  I actually met her family that day too and spent much of the day and evening with them.  Come to think of it, I spent much of the weekend with them.  Nice...

Back to Saturday, we all ate lunch together; in the afternoon gingersnaps and I went for a walk around town, returning late afternoon for a quick nap and then a big dinner with family and family friends.  The evening gathering was jovial.

On Sunday we all went to church together, and then, yep, lunch.  I think I gained about a kilo between Saturday and Sunday noon....  In the afternoon we went for a walk around Wascana Lake.  It was bitter cold, but we had a good conversation nonetheless.  I returned home early evening.

It was good to meet and spend time with her family, but I will admit to feeling slightly awkward.  We're in the in-between stage.  No-man's land. Can't stay there for long.

But her family was warm and hospitable.  No complaints.

Today was a workday, but gingersnaps drove in from Regina for lunch.  I introduced her to Alison, and together the 3 of us ate sushi for lunch.  In the evening the two of us went to the spa, and then afterwards we had dinner at a new restaurant in town.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Made Alive

My favourite musical piece - Handel's Messiah - was on tonight at a church in Regina.  What a gorgeous masterpiece!  I never tire of hearing it...

As so often happens, we are impacted by something - a melody, words, a voice, or an instrument - and today what impacted me was the lyrics to Since by man came death:

Since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead.
For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.
  
These words speak wonderfully about the role of Christ - the second Adam - in God's salvific plan.

As I heard the same song in my car on the way home, tears were streaming down my face.

Monday, December 09, 2013

Another Trip To Winnipeg

I returned from Winnipeg yesterday, after having spent the weekend there.  It was my second trip to the windy city.

It was good to see gingersnaps again.

The highlight, at least for me, was a snowshoeing excursion at a park on the outskirts of the city.  It was pretty damn cold, -27, but we managed to cover a good amount of territory.  At the end of our exploration, I was surprised to find my gloves and toque sweaty.  I'd no idea you could sweat in such temperatures!

Another highlight was Stella's, a legendary breakfast spot in Winnipeg.  We went there on Sunday morning.  I ordered the mexican breakfast: two sunny side eggs, soft corn tortillas, refried beans, cheddar cheese, green onion & tomato.  It came served with salsa, guacamole, cilantro sauce & hash browns.  It tasted very good (but I'm not sure how Mexican it was).

After breakfast we went to St. Margaret's church, a few blocks from Stella's.  They had a service led by children.  It never really hit me until now, that Christmas (Advent) services are often done by children.

I enjoyed my time with her thoroughly.  She's very kind, and I like that.  She's an amazing cook.

But for whatever reason - I cannot explain it - I'm not all in.  I'm not sold.

We're going to spend a good deal of time together at Christmas.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Land Line No More

I gave in.

After a 10 year battle on whether or not to buy a cellphone, today was the day history will show I gave in: I cancelled my land line and got myself an cell phone.

More pressure.  This time peer pressure, I guess.

It was a big decision: Sasktel?  Telus?  Bell?  Rogers?

I picked Bell, because it has the best national coverage (well, that's what they say).

But more accurately, marketing played a key role in my decision making:  the Vancouver Whitecaps are sponsored by Bell, and as a good supporter of the Whitecaps, I decided to throw my lot in with them.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Pressure .. This Time .. Vocational

A few days ago I talked about pressure I'm getting from her.  Today, I'm feeling relentless pressure from my boss.

It's crazy.  I came here in February, sensing God's calling for internal and external reasons:

* internal - answer to prayer on the Camino de Santiago, a sense of vocational direction
* external - seeking to move on from a relationship gone awry; breathing fresh (non-Vancouver) air; affirmation by family and peers

Now, 9 months later, I'm wondering whether I made the right decision.  A few weeks ago, on November 21st, I had an excruciatingly difficult day at work.  I was in a meeting with a number of people in the room, and I felt like I was going to explode.

A short 3 months ago I passed my probationary review with "flying colours", as they say, and now, I find myself wondering whether I'll be on my way out soon, looking for work.

The past few days I looked in the Vancouver job market to see how things are there.  They're actually quite good, compared to a year ago.  What a massive disappointment going back to Vancouver would be; not really because I dislike that city so much, but more because I thought I was following divine guidance in moving here.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

Sunday, December 01, 2013

Pathway Painting

My third painting's almost finished.  According to my instructor Lloyd, I've got about an hour worth of work left before it's done.

I don't like the painting though.  Something's off, not sure what.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Pressure

I don't quite get why there's such a strong need on the part of (many) women for immediate commitment!

I've known her for all of 2 weeks, met her once in person, and now the relevant question all of the sudden is "So ... are we a couple"?

Gimme a break.

Is there no place for truly getting to know another person without using the language of "couple"?  True, am I in this for real or for fun, fair enough, good question, but ... are we couple?

Sigh.

Maybe I'm off my rocker but I don't think so.....

Monday, November 25, 2013

3 Days In The Peg

Friday:
I left the Jaw on a cold and windy morning, full of anticipation, arriving in Winnipeg mid-afternoon.  After checking in to my room, I showered, and plunked myself on the bed for a good one-hour nap.

Around 6:30pm I went to visit her.  I was quite nervous, but relieved to find out that she was equally nervous.  Our first meeting was very special....  Her real life smile is as great as it is in pictures.  She wore a black dress.

We (mostly she) cooked a wonderful meal, followed by an amazing chocolate ganache torte she'd prepared.  She's an amazing cook indeed.  Afterwards we parked ourselves on the couch and spent time getting to know each other.  It was a late night.

Saturday:
I returned to her place by around 9 in the morning.  We made breakfast - apple crisp and fruits - and we also attempted to make pumpkin bread.  I say attempted, because there was a hitch.  I was the dry ingredient mixer.  Easy, right?  Right.  Except, I put in baking soda instead of baking powder.  The result, nice and crispy bread on the outside, but sticky and gooey on the inside.  Ooops.

In the afternoon we went to what will likely be one of the most uniting factors for us, should our relationship continue to blossom: MEC.  I bought some gloves there.  We also went shopping at a big mall along Portage.

In the evening we ate dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant.  We stayed up late.

Sunday:
I checked out of my room by 8:30, and drove over to her place.  After finishing up the rest of the apple crisp for breakfast, we took her dog for a walk.  She lives in a nice neighbourhood, Wolseley.  Upon returrning to her place we parked ourselves on the couch and read to each other.  I read Kathleen Norris.  She read Lauren Winner.

I left Winnipeg around 4pm, arriving back to Moose Jaw around 11pm.

It was such a great weekend.  We took some pictures.  I can't post them here, but they communicate mutual joy.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Going For A Drive

Talked on the phone with gingersnap today.  It was like talking to an angel.  We must've talked for close to 3 hours.

I'm going for a drive this upcoming weekend.  A long drive.  Like, 7 hours long, one way.

Leaving for Winnipeg Friday night, and returning Sunday night.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

44

Today I turned 44.  Happy birthday, Neudorf!

Work is miserable.  I can't trust my staff member, and my boss think he can trust me.  It's a disaster.  Pressure is at a level I've never experienced before at work.  Relentless.  Suddenly I wish everyday was Saturday or Sunday.

But on the personal side, things are altogether different, magical.  She's like an opium drug that numbs my mind from work pain.  She's like a cool balm that subdues the heat of a bad burn.

Had a two-hour conversation with gingersnap on the phone.

Got some birthday cards from family.

A few congrats from coworkers, maybe 1 or 2.

My friend David emailed me.  I'm a horrible friend; haven't been in touch with him since he got married in July.

Other than that, a quiet day.

Monday, November 18, 2013

More Ginger

So she replied to my reply.

We exchanged skype addresses, and began skyping.

Not long afterwards we exchanged phone numbers, and began texting back and forth.  And back and forth.  And back and forth.  For hours.

Then, today, we talked on the phone, for hours.

What's going on?

I'm filled with refreshing enthusiasm and optimism.  Just like that.  Peace.

It just took a picture of a girl with a lovely smile, that's all.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Winter Gear

I went to a ski swap today, but sadly, I just didn't know enough about cross country skiing to know what kind of equipment I need, never mind discerning what's a good deal and what isn't.

After the disappointment of walking out empty-handed, I went to a local sporting goods store, and bought myself some snowshoes.  They look great.

I also asked a ton of questions regarding ski equipment, and ordered some skis.

No more excuses for remaining indoors on a cold day in the prairies.  Let  it snow...

Friday, November 15, 2013

Gingersnap

I tried online dating for the first time over 10 years ago, in 2002.

I've always been perplexed by the idea of meeting someone online: chatting with someone halfway around the world, even though there's a pretty girl living next door.  But somehow, this online dating thing seems to work.  Over the years, I've met some interesting girls this way, from many places.  Brasil.  Singapore.  US.  Peru.  Lebanon.  Canada.

Well, earlier this week I received a note from a girl in Winnipeg.  Of all places...  

In her note, she talked about the Camino.  Talk about knowing where my soft spot is....

She calls herself gingersnap.  Cute.  Very cute.  Lovely smile.  Likes the outdoors.  Snowshoeing.  Lived overseas.  A reader.

I replied.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Doubt

St. Hildegard's prayers just have a way of cutting through to the heart of the matter.  This one's taken from her book Scivias, and has the look, feel, and sound of a Psalm!

O God, have you not created me?
The wretchedness of earth presses down upon me!
And so I must flee and hide myself from you like Adam.
My sinful life wants to know nothing about you.
I doubt in a sense of justice;
the battle robs me of all happiness.
Do I even know if God exists?
Where is then my King and God?

Over this past year my troubles have been relational.  These troubles have settled somewhat, and I've gained a measure of peace, but just when the horizon seemed to be clearing, more dark clouds emerged.

Work is extremely hard these days.  I feel pressure mounting, and doubt is once again invading my life.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

More On Repentance...

Yesterday I wrote briefly about the connection between repentance and healing, relating mostly my own thoughts about it, and ending with a prayer of Hildegard von Bingen's.  

I want to elaborate a little more on this theme, but specifically, what Hildegard von Bingen says about it.  I'm reading Walburga Storch's booklet, Prayers of Hildegard of Bingen, at the moment, and in the introduction, Storch outlines Hildegard's basic view of repentance and healing.

God's stance towards us is one of conciliatory healing: "'For I will unconditionally receive at once, and deliver into freedom the one who has sinned'", says Jesus to us, according to Hildegard.  Jesus actually offers to suffer with us in our brokenness, seeing it as the way to obtain union with God: "'Show me the wounds of your heart.  I want to suffer with you in your wounds and in doing so give you communion with the Father.'"  Jesus' willingness to suffer alongside us displays God's vulnerability; not a distant vulnerability, but one that's epitomized most clearly in Christ's own suffering on the cross.  His suffering forever reveals God's stance towards us as one of reconciliation.  Repentance is therefore at the forefront of Hildegard's theology of both, physical and spiritual healing.  Storch continues, "Without it, every kind of healing only treats the symptoms."

Furthermore, God's reconciling stance towards us shows that far from wanting to throw guilt and fear at us, God wishes to free us from both!  The implications are not only personal, but cosmic: "Repentance is not only a healing power, but the structure of the entire world rests upon its pillars.  It intervenes in the processes of life, moving and changing history and the cosmos, for with it 'we touch the stars.'  Through repentance God brings home creation poisoned by the error of humanity."

The missing link that completes Hildegard's theology is the human link.  We know God's redemptive role, but what is ours?  Our role is honesty.  God's healing work is only as effective as our willingness is to receive healing.  When we openly admit our errors, we show ourselves to be willing participants in the healing process.  When we come to God in repentance, we are made well not so much because we are the smarter or wiser for confessing our wrongdoing, but because we showed ourselves to be willing participants in moving towards God.

Monday, November 04, 2013

Repentance And Healing

Is there a connection between repentance and healing?

Last week when I met with my spiritual director, it dawned on me in a new way that yes, there does seem to be a connection between the two.  The way this came to the forefront is by wondering out loud how long the healing process takes, and more than that, God's seeming silence on this journey.

But after pondering these things out loud, it immediately dawned on me that while I share my thoughts with God frequently (see this post), I do not spend a lot of time actively searching my heart for sins of "commission or omission".  I give little thought to repentance.

Perhaps this is a natural product of living in a culture that praises self-help, self-sufficiency, and most of all, the goodness of humanity.  But, how does this theology affect healing, or the lack thereof?  Does God heal us when we only proclaim to him our goodness?

Today, while reading Prayers of Hildegard of Bingen (edited by Walburga Storch), the prayer below jumped out at me.  It's one of a number of prayers in which Hildegard connects repentance and healing:

O where have I come from,
and what am I doing now?
In my lamentation I groan out to you, O God,
because I have tainted my understanding of you
with the impurity of sin.

Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I have stained my soul with sin.
Heal the welts of my wounds,
for I have sinned against you.

Teach me more and more my God,
to carry out holy, good deeds,
so that my confused soul
can experience healing through you.