BCMC With Charlene

Well if yesterday was a beautiful day, today was a winter wonderland. In other words, today was even more beautiful! It snowed throughout the day...

After the usual Sunday morning Eucharist, I went home for a couple of hours (breakfast) before picking up Charlene at around 11am. I parked my car in her parkade, and then ventured out onto the snowy road with her Honda SUV. I have to say that both, the height and the sturdiness of a SUV give one an increased sense of security on the road.

Anyways, we drove slowly towards Grouse. Not many people were on the road which made the drive quite pleasant (I wish it snowed everyday!). Upon arrival at the bottom of the mountain, we immediately put on our yak-tracks: it was so unusual starting out with them right from the get-go of the hike!

Here's what we saw on the way up:

Once atop Grouse Mountain we ate a sandwich lunch that we'd brought with us up the mountain. Charlene picked a great combination of ciabatta bread with cold cuts and cheeses, as well as some nuts, and carrot and veggie sticks. I really appreciate her creativity, especially around the theme of food. My approach is usually to order food from the restaurant atop the mountain. It's a lazy and expensive approach.

I think I'm beginning to like Charlene. She's very beautiful and has a lovely smile. We seem to get along well too, which is surprising given our differences of view on most issues. Truthfully, her "liberated" viewpoints on most things give me a headache.

BCMC With Jennifer

Here are some pictures of my hike to the top of Grouse Mountain earlier this morning. It was a really beautiful day, as the snow line was quite low.

I like this last picture!

In the afternoon I visited Ralph, and then in the evening I went to Sanjit's to celebrate his birthday. It was a snowy evening, very beautiful. At the end of the evening I gave both Alfonso and Patri a ride home. I hope the snow stays for a few days.....

5 Plans For The Day

Today was marked by 5 "events":

1- car problems: on my way to New Westminster my car started making really loud noises. In fact, so loud that I was embarrassed driving! The original plan was to visit Ralph before and after lunch, but I decided to ditch the "before" plans, and drove my car to a repair shop instead. I was told that by the end of the day the car would be fixed.

2- lunch with Russell and Darren: this was a good-bye lunch, on behalf of the shipping/receiving department (ehem .. all of 2 people). We went to a Thai restaurant in New West, not too far from the hospital. The food was good, and the company too. We discussed the future of the company (it doesn't look very promising, from my vantage point, and I'm an outsider now so I can say it) for the most part. While I'm glad that I'm now turning the page and moving in a different direction vocationally, I do believe that both Russell and Darren were good men to work with.

3- after lunch I visited Ralph: I actually went back to the mechanic shop before going to the hospital, and to my surprise, they hadn't found the problem yet, but they assured me that by day's end they would. So, to the hospital I went. My visit with Ralph was very good. My heart aches for him, my heart is breaking for him. I read more Psalms for him, and also did another prayer service from the BCP. Lord please heal him!

4- dinner with coworkers: after a good 2-hour visit with Ralph I went back to the shop to pick up my car. Then I went to the Paddlewheeler Pub at the Quay in New Westminster. This was another good-bye event from work. I have to say that I feel cared for by these good-bye events. I met some really great people these past 2.5 years. Even people whom I usually don't speak with too much at work showed up. No names will be mentioned... It was good to be able to formally say good-bye. I'm especially grateful to Melanie who single-handedly planned the entire event. I will miss her.

5- pick up "Alve" desk: my final activity for the day was supposed to be a highlight, but it ended up being a major disappointment. For the past 3 months I've been looking for a used Alve desk (Ikea) to buy, and I thought I'd made a deal with someone a few days ago via email. We'd agreed that I'd pick it up tonight at 8:30. I arrived late, around 8:45, only to find out that they'd come to a verbal agreement with someone else already about the sale. The only way they were prepared to give me the desk was if I took the matching cd rack too: understandable, but not the original agreement! Upon inspecting both, the desk and the rack, I decided to pass. I didn't have a sense of Peace about it. The desk wasn't in very good shape, and the owners, well, they were idiots, I'll just leave it at that.

Mass In B Minor With Charlene

Tonight I went to see the Mass in B Minor at the Chan Centre at UBC. I'd asked Charlene to go to it a few weeks ago when we got together. It was a very good evening, especially in light of the fact that it coincided with my final day of work at Day4!

I met up with her around 7ish. We'd previously agreed to do a take-out dinner at Wendy's. Not my favourite way of dining, much less before seeing a symphony, but whatever, it was her idea and in the end it wasn't a bad one. It was my first time eating burger and fries in dress clothes in a car in a parkade!

The concert itself was decent. The TWU choir joined the VSO for the performance, and what the choir lacked in fortitude of voice, it made up in precision of tone and timing. I'm aware that I'm not a musical expert here, so pardon me if the ways of describing the strengths and weaknesses of the performance isn't up to snuff. In my opinion, either the instruments were too loud, or the choir wasn't loud enough. It's just a hunch, but my guess is that the matter had more to do with the choir than with the instruments.

Charlene was very kind with me all evening. She asked me several times how I was doing (since it was my last day of work), but also, this night was supposed to be the night Ralph sang in the choir: I'd planned to attend this concert well before the accident, and so going to it and not seeing Ralph there was tough. I'd invited Melanie and Heinz to come along but they passed on the opportunity, thinking that it was too close to home emotionally.

Charlene seems to have a very good ear for music too. It was enjoyable getting feedback from her. She's opinionated, and we didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, but we had a good conversation all around.

I also loaded up on coffee at the intermission. I know Lent is coming up, so I'm using every opportunity I have to get caffeinated...

Chaplaincy Interview

This morning was my interview for acceptance into the chaplaincy program. I arrived 3 minutes late (the elevators at the hospital are .. s l o w ! I arrived at the hospital 15 minutes early but got stuck in elevator hell. Anyways, the interviewers, Phil and Phil, didn't seem to mind.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how well I did in the interview. It was long (2.5 hours), the questions were hard, but that's to be expected. It seems to me that the program is based as much on psychology as it is on theology, and to a certain degree hat makes sense. I just hope that psychology isn't overemphasized at the expense of theology.

There was one question that I didn't like. It was along the lines of "how would you react if you were called to give pastoral care to a gay couple." I think I answered the question well enough, but inside me there was a storm going on. Why is there such an emphasis on same-sex relationships nowadays? It seems like that's everyone's hobby-horse: the issue has to be brought up at every possible event. It's like the favourite flavour of the month, and it doesn't sit well with me.

In the end, even though I felt like I answered the questions well, I left the interview wondering whether I'm the type of person they're looking for. I certainly feel "qualified" for pastoral care, but I'm just not sure that my theological convictions will be acceptable; on the other hand, I'm not convinced I can handle the theological convictions under which the program are run.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me. You've brought me to this "place". Please see me through it.

Praying Psalms of Lament

Given the situation in our family, here are some thoughts I gathered today from listening to Darrell Johnson's lecture on laments in the Psalms.

Laments are:
1- An "In your face", direct address to God: a plea for help => rescue me, heal me, forgive me, lift me out of pit, overcome the enemies!
2- Complaint: Why? => why do the wicked prosper? why do you not judge? why are you so far away? how long?
3- Either a confession of sin (I'm part of the problem), or claim of innocence (I didn't do anything to deserve this) => examples are Psalm 44, 89.
4- A cursing of the enemy.
5- A request for God's answer, and an explanation of why He should answer: 1- for your Name's sake ("So that your Name is not dishonoured .. You said that You're the God that's with us and for us .. if this continues .. You're not going to look very good God!"); 2- because I'm yours, I don't deserve to be treated this way; 3- b/c if I die You wont be praised .. those in Hades don't praise you!; 4- a vow: rescue me and I'll praise you, I will honour You.
6- An expression of confidence in God's response (except in Psalm 88).
7- A thanksgiving, blessing: "I know You're here, I know You're with me."

Redemptive aspects of praying Psalms of lament:
1- they keep us from a denial spirituality => lament Psalms help us stay away from pretending everything's ok.
2- Lament Psalms help us realize we're not alone => they remind us that there's a whole company of people who know pain and suffering, and to pray these Psalms with people gives us assurance we're not alone.
3- they build authentic community => based on the fullness of our humanity, and not just in our pious "nicety."
4- they engender true healing => laments open up deep places so that "the light and life of God" can penetrate them.
5- they engender deeper intimacy => with God; we realize that the character of God is good, and that he doesn't let bad things happen without purpose.
6- they are part of the process by which God brings the kingdom (and all the fullness thereof) into the world => in Rev. 6-8, the Lamb opens the scroll (the secret of history), and God acts in response to the prayers of his people. We are not wasting our breath by praying "How long, Lord!" It's part of the mystery.

Feb. 18: Last Day Of Work

I found out today that my last day of work at Day4 will be February 18th. My feelings are mixed: some excitement for the future; some trepidation about what's to come; some relief in being able to spend more time with Ralph; but most of all, uncertainty, lots of uncertainty!

The timing is good though: I think the pace I'm going on is unsustainable. Once I'm no longer working I'll have more time to visit Ralph.

More Toothache

I talked to my friend Anoush yesterday about my experience at the dentist last week, and she mentioned that that experience is quite common: you go in for a cleaning, you're told that unless you do such and such your teeth are going to rot and fall out in the next few years and you'll suffer from a bad self esteem problem as a result, and so the best solution is to do x, y, or z.

She actually said that most dentists work on that premise (let's call it the fear mongering approach). Sadly, I capitulated.

But she knows a conservative (her term, not mine) dentist who doesn't throw the knife at everything he sees. I'll give him a try next time. If I have a bad experience with him I'm never going back to the dentist!

In the meantime, my tooth still aches...

Teeth

I went to the dentist yesterday. Horrible experience. I'm pretty sure my dentist is just in it for the money. "Prevention" is such a big focus that I'm pretty sure he creates problems where there are none.

Case in point: I have pain now where I didn't previously, and, to boot, I may need a root canal! A root canal wasn't even part of the picture in the consultation. He did a filling, dug a little too deep, damaged a nerve, and now he's talking about having to do a root canal.

The worst of it is the pain. For the moment I can only take in lukewarm food or drink. Anything hot or cold goes right to the nerve of my tooth.

Ralph Update

Here's an email I sent my friends today:

Hi friends, here's a brief update on Ralph:

* his head swelling has come down enough for the doctors to take out the tubes in his head (they were gauging brain pressure and monitoring swelling); this is definitely good news!

* the doctors have determined that Ralph did not damage his spine in the accident; last weekend the doctors lowered his sedation enough to do some simple "pinching" tests: nurses pinched his hands and toes, to see if he responded to pain: he did, his body jolted abruptly; this is also very good news .. perhaps this is one of the only legitimate times to rejoice in someone else's pain...

* Ralph still needs to have his neck operated on: the surgery was supposed to take place last weekend, but his neck area got infected from the ventilator (Ralph was at that point not breathing on his own, the machine was doing all the work; today, he initiates each breath, but the ventilator takes over after that and does the rest of the work) so the doctors postponed the surgery; the plan is to undergo neck surgery sometime this weekend (most likely tomorrow, Saturday)

* his right ear lobe is not growing back properly; it will have to be removed and plastic surgery performed; for the time being this is not a high priority; we do not know if/how hearing is affected

* Ralph is still heavily sedated: he has been "asleep" for all 19 days; after the neck surgery is performed, the doctors will gradually lower sedation levels and hope he wakes up. Then, we can begin to see the status of his brain.

A quick story: earlier this week (Tuesday, I think - all days are but a blur at the moment) the nurses lowered his sedation levels somewhat. I was in Ralph's room with Melanie, and her two youngest sons, Terence and Derek. Melanie and I were talking quietly in a corner, while Derek and Terence were telling Ralph how much they missed him. Derek was stroking Ralph's finger. All of the sudden, Terence said "Hey, his eyes are open." Melanie and I jumped up and ran to the bed. Sure enough, his eyes were open, and he was staring straight up at the ceiling. We all told him that we love him. Then, seeing what was happening, the nurse came into the room, went right close to his ear, and said loudly: "If you can hear us, please blink once." And to our astonishment, he blinked. Our hearts lept for joy. Then, she asked him to blink again. This time he didn't respond. His eyes stayed open for about another 30 seconds - still staring at the ceiling - and then they closed. We're not certain how to interpret the events (did he hear us or not?), but personally, I believe he mustered up all his energies to open his eyes. Asking him to blink several times was asking too much, for the time being. I pray that this is the correct interpretation.

I leave you with Psalm 62:1-2, a verse I've been reading with Ralph daily, and reciting on my own about a thousand times a day: "Truly, my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Mon Âme Se Repose

The last time I saw him before his accident, Ralph mentioned to me that he hopes to one day sing in a choir that sings beautiful sacred music. In the coming months I will play him plenty of Taizé music like this one. I think he will enjoy it:

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul:
de lui vient mon salut.
Oui, sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose,
se repose en paix.

In God alone my sould can find rest and peace,
In God my peace and joy.
Only in God my soul can find its rest,
Find its rest and peace.

In Gott, nur in Gott ist mein Geist tief geborgen,
Von Ihm kommt mein Erlös.
Ja, nur in Gott sei mein Geist tief geborgen,
Tief geborgen in Ruh.

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Music: Jacques Berthier