I was going to wait until I could get Kathleen Norris' book, Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks and a Writer’s Life, on paperback (hardcovers are so expensive), but I may need to curb that wish and buy a copy sooner rather than later. The reason being, that I feel she may have some words of wisdom for me, concerning acedia. Ace-what?
Acedia.
Acedia is defined as "spiritual or mental sloth, apathy", and is rooted in the greek akedia, meaning "listlessness, without care." According to a description found here, acedia is "the state of those who have ceased to care or who are in the process of ceasing to care. It is the death of desire, and so also of knowledge, and hope." Indeed, according to Dorothy L. Sayers in The Other Six Deadly Sins, the breadth and depth of acedia is all-encompassing, because it's "the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, loves nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing and remains alive only because there is nothing it would die for." No wonder the desert fathers called acedia the enemy of the soul!
At present, I can certainly identify with at least some of the symptoms just described. I'm only working part-time, I am still unsure of my vocational direction, I'm fighting with family, and now, Jennifer and I broke up: all these events, if they can be called such, make me feel like I'm a ship - raft? - without a rudder, disoriented, aimless, purposeless, undecided, unsure, and sometimes even unhappy. I feel a profound lack of motivation in my life, a lack of care. Time seems to "fly", in a sense, because minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into nights, and on occasion days even turn into a sequence of days - 2, 3, or even 4 - of inactivity and wasted time, with no accomplishment or sense of having used time productively or usefully at all. Instead of sanctifying time, making it holy, I "kill" it, quite literally, either by surfing the internet, watching a dvd (is it a coincidence that technology adds to my slothfulness?), or by taking naps at times when I should be actively engaged in matters of this world. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in mud and the harder I try to get out, the deeper I sink.
But, not all is bad. There are rays of hope to hang on to, signs of Redemption, even Salvation. There is blessing amidst pain. Here are at least 5 signs of Grace:
1- prayer life. The past few days have been fruitful in prayer. As always, we go to God in our pain, not in our joys, and as usual, He's always there, no matter when we call upon Him....
2- stimulation of heart, mind and body: I've been doing a lot of reading, very good reading. At the moment, I'm reading 4 (!) books on topics ranging from sexual ethics to economics to reflections on the Psalms to science fiction. I'm also still hiking the Grouse Grind twice a week.
3- waking up: I'm still eager to get up every morning. A very good sign indeed.
4- proactive planning: I've met with 2 of my 3 church pastors about vocational ways forward. I think I'm on the right track.
5- keeping it clean: my apartment's still clean. Once there's no more room in the kitchen because dirty dishes are taking up all the space, then yes, I think I'm beginning to lose the battle...
Maybe I can hold out until Norris' book comes out on paperback after all.....
Acedia.
Acedia is defined as "spiritual or mental sloth, apathy", and is rooted in the greek akedia, meaning "listlessness, without care." According to a description found here, acedia is "the state of those who have ceased to care or who are in the process of ceasing to care. It is the death of desire, and so also of knowledge, and hope." Indeed, according to Dorothy L. Sayers in The Other Six Deadly Sins, the breadth and depth of acedia is all-encompassing, because it's "the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, loves nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing and remains alive only because there is nothing it would die for." No wonder the desert fathers called acedia the enemy of the soul!
At present, I can certainly identify with at least some of the symptoms just described. I'm only working part-time, I am still unsure of my vocational direction, I'm fighting with family, and now, Jennifer and I broke up: all these events, if they can be called such, make me feel like I'm a ship - raft? - without a rudder, disoriented, aimless, purposeless, undecided, unsure, and sometimes even unhappy. I feel a profound lack of motivation in my life, a lack of care. Time seems to "fly", in a sense, because minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into nights, and on occasion days even turn into a sequence of days - 2, 3, or even 4 - of inactivity and wasted time, with no accomplishment or sense of having used time productively or usefully at all. Instead of sanctifying time, making it holy, I "kill" it, quite literally, either by surfing the internet, watching a dvd (is it a coincidence that technology adds to my slothfulness?), or by taking naps at times when I should be actively engaged in matters of this world. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in mud and the harder I try to get out, the deeper I sink.
But, not all is bad. There are rays of hope to hang on to, signs of Redemption, even Salvation. There is blessing amidst pain. Here are at least 5 signs of Grace:
1- prayer life. The past few days have been fruitful in prayer. As always, we go to God in our pain, not in our joys, and as usual, He's always there, no matter when we call upon Him....
2- stimulation of heart, mind and body: I've been doing a lot of reading, very good reading. At the moment, I'm reading 4 (!) books on topics ranging from sexual ethics to economics to reflections on the Psalms to science fiction. I'm also still hiking the Grouse Grind twice a week.
3- waking up: I'm still eager to get up every morning. A very good sign indeed.
4- proactive planning: I've met with 2 of my 3 church pastors about vocational ways forward. I think I'm on the right track.
5- keeping it clean: my apartment's still clean. Once there's no more room in the kitchen because dirty dishes are taking up all the space, then yes, I think I'm beginning to lose the battle...
Maybe I can hold out until Norris' book comes out on paperback after all.....
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have Mercy on me, a Sinner.
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