Picking Up

Work seems to be picking up. Since May I've been on workshare, working 2.5 days a week. I've had to curtail expenses, which is a good discipline to keep up, but the past few weeks I've been working 3 or even 4 days a week, which has been nice on the pocket book.

I hope that things will keep picking up. Maybe the economy's improving...

Longing For Home

One of the best-loved, and most widely read books in English literature is The Pilgrim’s Progress, by John Bunyan. It’s a classic: the story of Christian, who encounters many enemies, and goes through countless dangerous places, in his pilgrimage from the city of destruction to the heavenly city. It’s a story of longing and endurance. Christian endures the pain and suffering of the journey, because he knows it does not compare with the Joy and Peace that await him in the Celestial City.

Psalm 84 is also about longing: a strong desire or yearning. The Psalmist, the writer of this Psalm, is on pilgrimage towards Jerusalem, perhaps on his way to a Jewish festival. He’s on his way to the Temple, where God lives. And as he journeys towards the Temple, he ponders with great anticipation his arrival. Once there, once at the Temple, he will be able to worship God in his own home, he will be able to worship in the very place where God lives.1

As we take a closer look at this Psalm, we will notice that this holy longing by the pilgrim revolves around three beatitudes, three states of happiness, we might say: 1- Blessed is the one who loves the house God (84:1-4); 2- Blessed is the one who journeys to the house of God (84:5-8); and 3- Blessed is the one who lives in the house of God (84:9-13).2

We begin with the first theme: Happy is the one who loves the house of God (84:1-4). Notice the language of love used here: “O how lovely are thy dwellings” (84:1); “lovely” here does not mean that the temple is beautiful, but that it is beloved: it is dearly loved by the pilgrim. In verse 2 we read, “My soul hath a desire and longing to enter into the courts of the LORD”: the Psalmist is completely taken up with the house of God.

But - and this is central - the pilgrim loves the house, because of who owns the house: he yearns for the temple, because of the Lord who owns it and lives in it. In the 12 verses of Psalm 84, the Psalmist cries out to God 18 times: 12 verses, 18 times! The second part of verse 2 says it all: “...my heart and my flesh rejoice in [or cry out to] the living God”. Blessed is the one who loves the house of God...

The next beatitude is a summary of verses 5-8: Fortunate is the one who journeys to the house of God. The journey is not an easy one, it goes through what the Book of Common Prayer calls the “Vale of Misery” (84:6). The New English Bible calls it “the thirsty valley”, and most other versions call it the “Valley of Baca” (RSV, ESV). But whatever the differences, all versions point to the same thing: dry, hostile, deserted lands. The journey is difficult.

But it’s in these moments of uncertainty and deep soul-thirst, that God meets the pilgrim. He gives “strength to the feeble, refreshment to the thirsty, blessings on the way, and the promise of meeting him at the end.” (84:6-7).3 Blessed is the one who journeys to the house of God...

Our final beatitude is found in verses 9-12: Blessed is the one who lives in the house of the Lord. In these verses we get a vision of who God is, and what he does for those who trust him (84:13). The Lord God is all that is “positive and outgoing”: He is a light - joy, warmth, and energy. He’s a shield - he protects from fear of defeat (84:12a).4

God is also the great giver of gifts: he showers those with an undivided heart for him with favour and honour (84:12b). We as Christians, living in the light of the resurrection of Jesus, are witnesses of this grace and glory. Our access to God’s presence is guaranteed - we benefit from the passion of Jesus - that’s grace. And as for glory, as we behold the glory of our Lord, as we look into the face of Jesus - we “are being changed into his likeness from one degree of glory to another...” (II Corinthians 3:18). True to his character, God gifts his people with all those things that are good for them (84:12c).

It’s for this reason - because of who God is and what he does for his people - that we can make the following extravagant statement, along with the pilgrim Psalmist: “For one day in thy courts is better than a thousand [elsewhere]. I had rather be a door-keeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of ungodliness” (84:10-11).

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen ✠

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1- Michael Wilcock, The Message of Psalms 73-150. The Bible Speaks Today. J. A. Motyer, ed., (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2001), 47.

2- Michael Wilcock, The Message of Psalms 73-150. The Bible Speaks Today. J. A. Motyer, ed., (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2001), 48.

3- Michael Wilcock, The Message of Psalms 73-150. The Bible Speaks Today. J. A. Motyer, ed., (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2001), 49.

4- Derek Kidner, Psalms 73-150: An Introduction & Commentary. Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries. D. J. Wiseman, ed., (Leicester, England: IVP, 1973), 307.

Happy Is The One Who...

...loves the house of God (v1-4)
...journeys to the house of God (v5-8)
...lives in the house of God (v9-12)

These are the three points of Psalm 84.

She Seems Happier Now...

...then when we went out.

I went over to Jennifer's tonight, for dinner. She cooked: mashed potatoes, ground chicken (with a German-ish gravy), and a salad. My contribution was dessert, a tres leches cake, from Salsa and Agave. We had a very good meal, a very good evening. By the end of the evening we kissed, which, given our breakup, is not a good scenario. But kissing her again was nice, no doubt....

I've noticed that she seems happier, more at ease, more relaxed, the last few times I've spoken with her. She smiles more, she jokes around more, she even laughs out loud. She jumps, to try to surprise me, all jovial. I asked her why that was. She was surprised that I thought she was happier now than when we were together. But after I gave her the (above) examples, she agreed.

But then, she noted that I am also more relaxed, more easy-going. Very true. I am more relaxed now then I've been in recent months.

Perhaps we're relaxed because a heavy weight - the weight of an ambiguous, uncertain future - has been lifted from our shoulders. Perhaps we're breathing a sigh of relief, because the "heavy" issues are out of the way and we can just get on with things. If that's the case, that's a good thing.

However, I've also noticed that we get along spectacularly well, when we're relaxed. And this leads me to believe if only these "heavy" issues could be resolved, we would be very good together.

Preaching the Psalms

I'm leading Evensong next week, and have decided that it's time to preach on the Old Testament. Joyce asked me a while ago how come I always preach on the New Testament - and particularly the gospels - and not the "whole counsel of God" (Acts 20:27).

She's right. The New Testament, and particularly the gospels, are the culmination of God's revelation to us, but part of the reason our knowledge of the faith in the church today is so limited is because we don't plumb the whole depth and breadth of Scripture. We're content to get our feet wet by wading in the shallow pools, rather than immersing ourselves fully into the depths of wisdom found in Scripture.

My first Old Testament text will be from the Psalms, #84.

Slow Like A Turtle...

I'm moving forward. At least I think I am.

Over the past month I've been meeting with the Pastors at church, seeking advice, seeking their wisdom. The blessing I'm seeking from them is for a way forward: a way to continue walking into the mystery of vocational calling. And truly, my experience, has been that vocational calling is a mystery that unfolds little by little, rather than all at once. But then, that's just my experience.

My first meeting was with Jim, over lunch at Al Watan, on August 14. We used to speak more often, back in the Regent days, so for the first 30 minutes or so of our conversation was more or less catching each other up on the going ons of our lives. But afterwards we got down to business, and we were able to speak meaningfully about vocations. We had too much ground to cover, however, so we decided to reconvene a few weeks later. Here are, in summary, the points I took away from our meeting:
* I mentioned to Jim that I feel called to gospel-work in the church, including, and perhaps especially, ordained ministry.
* By conviction, I feel more Eastern Orthodox or Roman Catholic than Anglican, but for entirely practical reasons I've decided to stay within Anglicanism. For me, making a vocational decision based on practicality seems entirely wrong-headed, but what can I do?
* In light of the above, Jim challenged me to read over the 39 Articles of Religion in the Book of Common Prayer and see if I can submit to those. If I can, the Anglican Church is still the right place for me.
* I also made clear that I am definitely a sacramentalist, and as such I have a strong preference to work within a high church context. However, I am still committed to the evangelical cause. In short, I wish to proclaim the "one, holy, catholic, apostolic" faith, within a sacramentalist framework.

On August 31, I met with Dan. I shared with him my conviction that I believe I'm called to do ministry in the church. I presented 3 potential avenues to pursue, and asked for his feedback. Option #1: ordained ministry within the Anglican Church of Canada (ACC); option #2: hospitality work in Cairo, Egypt, as a guest house manager, with a possibility of teaching and/or ministry training alongside, with the goal of eventual ordination as priest; option #3: openness to whatever suggestions he or other clergy at church consider appropriate. His response was essentially as follows:
* ACC (option #1): good opportunity, although pursuing this option would likely entail living in a small town in northern Canada for a good 5 years, and as a single man, this might be difficult for me. Loneliness may be a real issue. However, there are positive factors to this option, including: high sense of community in small towns, high church context, and small congregation.
* Egypt (option #2): this is also a good option, especially given my previous interest in Islam. However, the road to ordination seems quite indirect, via hospitality work, and also, am I prepared to live in the Middle East for the rest of my life?
* Regarding option #3, Dan did not make any additional suggestions. However, he did express full support for either of the first two options. He and the church would stand behind me on both options.

On September 1 I met again with Jim. This time we got right to the point. I mentioned to him the 3 options listed above; here's how he responded.
* He explained the differences between a bishop, a priest, and a deacon. A bishop protects, guards. A priest proclaims, preaches. A deacon administers help to the "widows" (Acts 6:1) within the church.
* Jim felt - quite strongly - that I belong to the deacon category. Therefore, he had a firm preference for option #2, Egypt.
* In addition to my gifts as a deacon, Jim also felt that I have the cultural background to move to Egypt. As a Paraguayan-German-Canadian, I'm already a citizen of the world...

And finally, today, I met with Dave. This was a long-awaited meeting, and it's a meeting that went over well, much better than I expected, actually. I mentioned to him the same options, and here are a few things that emerged.
* Vocations within the church (maybe also outside?) are along the following three lines: prophetic, priestly, and kingly. Jesus fulfilled these three, and we do too, although obviously not anywhere to the degree that he did. The king is an administrator, the prophet is a preacher, and the priest is a lover of souls. He did not indicate or suggest which category I belong to. I place myself within the priestly category.
* The main gist of his wisdom can be summarized in a question: Options #1 or #2 are fine, but in terms of option #3, why not add Paraguay to the list? Gulp....
* David decided that he will contact bishop Harvey, who knows, maybe he knows the bishop of Asuncion. Maybe there's a possibility to pursue there. He may also have other suggestions that David does not have access to.

Yikes. Before beginning this process of interviewing clergy at my church, I decided to submit myself to their counsel. What have I done!!!!!?????!!!!!????

Una Gran Hazaña!!!

A great feat!!!! Paraguay beat Argentina today, 1-0, in Asunción. That's it, we're in the World Cup!!! South Africa, here I come!

We played a magnificent first half. Nelson Valdez scored a golazo, assisted by Edgar Barreto, and of course, Salvador Cabañas, who was the mastermind behind the goal, beating 3 players before laying it off to Valdez for a great finish. Here are the highlights of the game:

Albirrooooo!!!!!!!! Albirrooooo!!!!!!! Albirrooooooo!!!!!!!

Seb's, Abruzzo, Marcello's .. And An Angel

Jennifer and I went for breakfast this morning at Seb's Market on West Broadway (almost Fraser). It's one of my favourite places, because it's one of the few restaurants that serves decent coffee. My experiences with the food there have been good, overall, but I don't think she was very impressed with her food this morning. To her it was good, but it didn't stand out. After breakfast I walked her back to her apartment, a good 45 minute walk.

Then I made my way to Abruzzo, on Commercial, for a full day of qualifying games for the World Cup of 2010 in South Africa. I saw the following games: Uruguay 3 - Colombia 1, Paraguay 1 - Bolivia 0, Argentina 1 - Brasil 3, Chile 2 - Venezuela 2, and Costa Rica 0 - Mexico 3. Paraguay played horrible, but they won. It's been over a year - June of last year, when they beat Brasil lin Asuncion - since they've palyed a great game from beginning to end. Next week Wednesday they play against Argentina, in Asuncion. They need a win to qualify. A tie will get them a tiny step closer towards qualification, but wont guarantee it.

After the games, Ruth, Marty and I walked over to Marcello's for a good dinner. I've never been disappointed with the food there. I shared Ruth and Marty about my breakup with Jennifer and got teary-eyed. They were both very good to me.

An interesting conversation "happened" on the way to Abruzzo in the afternoon. I ran into a man, Jonathan, who was looking for some bus directions. I gave him the help he needed, but afterwards, rather than continuing on our way, we began to talk. Turns out he got off at he wrong bus stop before we met (he'd been on another bus), and in frustration, he asked God if there was a purpose for him getting off at the wrong stop. The Holy Spirit told him to seek out a discouraged Christian. Two blocks-walk, and 5 minutes later, he met me.

By the end of the conversation, about 40 minutes later, he prayed for me on the sidewalk of the Commercial Drive skytrain station. He gave me advice, fatherly advice, wise spiritual advice, about vocation, about life direction, and about relationships. More than that, he just encouraged me. He was an angel, truly, in the flesh. We exchanged emails. I may need lots of angel-presence over the next little while.

Gipsy Kings

Tonight I saw the Gipsy Kings live at the PNE. They played some of their classics - Volare, Bamboleo, Djobi Djoba, Mujer, as well as some of the lesser known (slower) songs: Tu Quieres Volver, Un Amor, and Caminando por la Calle.

The didn't play my favourite song, Triste Pena, which may be a good thing, because it's a sad song, and today was the first time I saw or spoke with Jennifer since Sunday, the day we broke up.

We were with a group of about 10 other friends from the futbol team, and it worked out that we didn't interact much at the beginning of the evening. But even without talking, we both saw each other, making eye contact a few times. I've never felt so awkward around her as I did tonight.

It wasn't until just before the concert started that we talked. At first pleasantries, and then a little more substance. By the end of the evening the nervousness was gone, and we smiled at each other a few times.

After the concert, she left almost immediately with some others. I stayed behind with some friends for a beer.

Tomorrow I'm going out for breakfast with her.

Acedia & Me

I was going to wait until I could get Kathleen Norris' book, Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks and a Writer’s Life, on paperback (hardcovers are so expensive), but I may need to curb that wish and buy a copy sooner rather than later. The reason being, that I feel she may have some words of wisdom for me, concerning acedia. Ace-what?

Acedia.

Acedia is defined as "spiritual or mental sloth, apathy", and is rooted in the greek akedia, meaning "listlessness, without care." According to a description found here, acedia is "the state of those who have ceased to care or who are in the process of ceasing to care. It is the death of desire, and so also of knowledge, and hope." Indeed, according to Dorothy L. Sayers in The Other Six Deadly Sins, the breadth and depth of acedia is all-encompassing, because it's "the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, loves nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing and remains alive only because there is nothing it would die for." No wonder the desert fathers called acedia the enemy of the soul!

At present, I can certainly identify with at least some of the symptoms just described. I'm only working part-time, I am still unsure of my vocational direction, I'm fighting with family, and now, Jennifer and I broke up: all these events, if they can be called such, make me feel like I'm a ship - raft? - without a rudder, disoriented, aimless, purposeless, undecided, unsure, and sometimes even unhappy. I feel a profound lack of motivation in my life, a lack of care. Time seems to "fly", in a sense, because minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, days turn into nights, and on occasion days even turn into a sequence of days - 2, 3, or even 4 - of inactivity and wasted time, with no accomplishment or sense of having used time productively or usefully at all. Instead of sanctifying time, making it holy, I "kill" it, quite literally, either by surfing the internet, watching a dvd (is it a coincidence that technology adds to my slothfulness?), or by taking naps at times when I should be actively engaged in matters of this world. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in mud and the harder I try to get out, the deeper I sink.

But, not all is bad. There are rays of hope to hang on to, signs of Redemption, even Salvation. There is blessing amidst pain. Here are at least 5 signs of Grace:

1- prayer life. The past few days have been fruitful in prayer. As always, we go to God in our pain, not in our joys, and as usual, He's always there, no matter when we call upon Him....

2- stimulation of heart, mind and body: I've been doing a lot of reading, very good reading. At the moment, I'm reading 4 (!) books on topics ranging from sexual ethics to economics to reflections on the Psalms to science fiction. I'm also still hiking the Grouse Grind twice a week.

3- waking up: I'm still eager to get up every morning. A very good sign indeed.

4- proactive planning: I've met with 2 of my 3 church pastors about vocational ways forward. I think I'm on the right track.

5- keeping it clean: my apartment's still clean. Once there's no more room in the kitchen because dirty dishes are taking up all the space, then yes, I think I'm beginning to lose the battle...

Maybe I can hold out until Norris' book comes out on paperback after all.....

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have Mercy on me, a Sinner.