I am happy. I'm happy because Sharon got married. I'm not happy about the fact she married, because ever since the day I met her I've loved her, and it's not easy seeing her marry someone else. But all I've ever wanted for her is to be happy, and if this marriage is right for her, then so be it. I bless it. I bless her.
I am relieved. Her marriage provides yet another element of closure for me. It's not like I've had any hopes of getting together: this hope was smashed to smithereens a long time ago, but still, knowing that she now has a ring on her finger does provide yet one more element of finality to the issue.
I am disappointed. I am disappointed because she did not invite me to her wedding. Over the past 4 months she repeatedly told me that she had a wedding invitation for me, yet, she never gave it to me. It's not that I wanted to attend her wedding that badly - I didn't - it's just that she didn't keep her word. She lied to me, and that hurts. It shows me that I don't really matter to her. Perhaps I never did.
I remember how when I was younger my mom always said to me "God has someone very special in mind for you." I believed this, never questioned it. Until I turned 30, unmarried. I started to wonder whether God really did have someone special for me: maybe we just had an inadequate conception of God's will and plan for our lives.
I think it's fair to say that sometimes we want something so badly that we will not even endeavour to conisder the thought that God may have something different, better, in store for us. We cannot bear the thought of not getting what we want, and since we believe in the sovereignty of God, the only potential option left to us (& God) is that he'll 'make things happen.'
C. S. Lewis was right when he said that if God had given him everything he ever asked for he'd be in deep trouble, because not everything he asked for was good for him. In fact, many things he prayed for were downright harmful. The same is true for me. Ahhhh, hindsight vision is always 20/20.
The most important discovery my relational disappointments have led me to is in the way I relate to God, and especially the way I pray. I still believe in God's sovereignty. He is still my Master who will never mislead me. The prophet attests to this, "Whoever is wise, let him understand these things; whoever is discerning let him know them; for the ways of the LORD are right, and the upright walk in them, but transgressors stumble in them" (Hosea 14:9).
And when I pray, I try not to pray that God would "give me this," "make this happen," or "lead me that way." Inevitably I just end up disappointed. God's ways are just too mysterious for me to comprehend. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Instead of praying for me, I look for ways to better praise and worship him in life and prayer. I look for ways to serve him more completely, wholeheartedly, unconditionally. As my prayer life is oriented away from me and towards him, it seems to me, I am realigning my whole being away from my selfish tendencies, towards his light, his holy mysteries.
Yes, I still ask, seek, and knock (Matthew 7:7-8). But I try (emphasis on the word try) to do so in order to learn more about God and his ways. This entails asking how I can best serve him, seeking how to best benefit his kingdom, and knocking again and again in expectancy of his mercy, not quick solutions.
I am thankful. Thankful for this discovery. Thankful for all the advice I've received over the years from family and friends. Thankful for Sharon, her marriage, and her happiness. Thankful for disappointments. And I am especially thankful for the LORD's "steadfast love" and "mercies", for they never cease, they never come to an end. Indeed, "they are new every morning." Great is the faithfulness of the LORD (Lamentations 3:22-23).
No comments:
Post a Comment