This is what I had for breakfast a year ago. Biscocho y cafe con leche. Unbeatable, in my humble opinion.
I paid for the first biscocho. Miguel gave me one "for the road". I finished it well before the halfway mark.
Here's what I thought about a year ago during the walk.
In reflecting on my walk over the past few days, I'm coming to the
conclusion that I have a deep discomfort, even dislike, with who I am.
In the eyes of the world I must be a nobody: no career, no family, no
property, no car. Nothing. What do I have to show for my 42 years of
living? Seemingly nothing.
I know that God is not looking for any accomplishments. In his eyes I'm
a deeply valued person, created in his image, but I still feel
massively disappointed with who I am. I don't meet my own standards
(nevermind the world's). I feel like a failure quite often.
I guess this is what walking alone for long periods of time can do: it's
like facing a mirror for a long time. As you keep looking at it, you
begin to see yourself without a mask on, as you really are. You see the
warts, the freckles, the imperfections, signs of age, etc... I'm not
as bad as I make it out to be here, but I'm certainly not as good and
happy as I pretend to be.
I'm not sure if the way I feel about myself has changed significantly in the past year. I keep thinking "if only this happened...." or "if only I could......" or "if only that issue was resolved..."
Maybe others are more satisfied with their lives than I am, but I doubt it.
I have a massive hunger to do another Camino. But this time the purpose would be much less about discernment, and much more about the search for and enjoyment of community.
No comments:
Post a Comment