Down, Up, And Down Again

A year ago today I boarded a plane in Vancouver and landed in the prairies a few hours later.  It was a cool and foggy morning in Vancouver, and upon arrival in Saskatoon, it was snowy, grey, and -18.  The move was complete.

Here I am now, a year later, in the living room of my apartment, tired after a long day of work, reviewing in my mind what's all transpired in the past 12 months.  In some ways, this past year can be neatly divided into 3 "seasons", that curiously, mimic the seasons of the year: winter, summer, and winter.  Said differently: down, up, and down again.

Winter: last year's winter was surely the darkest winter of my life.  Sad.  Despondent.  Questioning.  Doubtful.  Lonely.  Depressed.  Insecure.  And very confused.  I didn't know up from down, and I could not for the life of me figure out why I'd been dealt the hand that I had.  It was never supposed to be like this: leaving the work force, theological studies, vocational confusion, and dispersed throughout all these events, relational joys and sorrows.

It's this last point that's been the most challenging for me to deal with; plenty of opportunities for relationships, but heartbreaks, my God, heartbreaks.  I don't believe in kharma, but at times I can't help ask myself "What did I do to deserve this hell?"

Summer: when the weather warmed up, and the snow melted, and the grass got green, my spirits were raised significantly.  Hope.  Adventure.  Excitement.  Anticipation.  Energy.  Adrenaline.  Work was going well - I'd survived the first 2 months - and I decided to venture out and see my new surroundings.  May 18th was a big day.  I drove south to the badlands, hiked the hills, and just enjoyed the various shades of greens making their way out of the earth.

The hikers and explorers that I met in the neighbouring city were a true God-send, also.  Wonderful people.  Outdoorsmen and women.  And with these great souls I conquered much of southern Saskatchewan: Grasslands, Cypress Hills, Douglas, Moose Mountain, Buffalo Pound, Wakamaw Valley, and the list goes on....

Relationally I was still wounded, but healing.  I no longer felt like I was drowning in my own pain.  In fact, I didn't feel like I wanted to drown.  Vocationally, I'd just passed my 6 month probation and I could finally go to the dentist without paying an arm and a leg for a simple teeth cleaning (granted, I only took advantage of this benefit 5 months later).

Winter: I knew I was in trouble mid-Fall of last year, when I found out the difficult dynamics of my working relationship with my boss.  Not good.  My spirit sank.  Confidence earned over the summer waned in a matter of weeks, and I began questioning myself again.  Doubts.  Accusations.  Injustices.  Anger.  Bitterness.  It was horrible.

I thought gingersnaps might change this, I really did.  But she didn't.  To be clear, I knew she wouldn't save me from my troubles, I'm wiser than that.  But I did think she might be, as they say, "the one."  But I was wrong.  Again.  My bad.  Heartbreak, again, but this time not my heart, but hers.

It's now mid-February.  Outside the snow is falling relentlessly since yesterday afternoon.  It reminds me, quite appropriately, of last year's almost daily snowfalls.  It was around my arrival time here, too, that people came up to me at work and said "Don't worry Edgar, spring'll be on the way very soon."  A month later, while we were still under a of meter of snow, Vancouver was bragging about the cherry blossoms.  April was as cold as ever.  Spring didn't actually arrive until the first week of May.

I hope that this winter's not as long as last year's.  I'm ready for spring.  I'm ready for growth.  I'm ready for up season.